In the lead story of this week’s edition of Monday Morning Quarterback, The King reports that the Cowboys’ recent struggles are the result of inner turmoil and a lack of leadership or accountability within the organization. In His words, “We've got an asylum here, and the inmates are running it”. His Majesty’s assessment of the situation in Dallas may very well be true—his sources are better than mine—but I take issue with a misleading statistic that he uses to illustrate the quality of the Cowboys’ three most recent opponents and therefore the direness of the Cowboys’ current state.

In the last three games, Dallas is 1-2 -- and that's against teams with a combined record of 8-10.

Dallas’s lone win in the past three weeks came against the winless Bengals. The Cowboys were obviously expected to win that game, and while they did allow Cincinnati to forge a comeback in the fourth quarter, they ended up winning by multiple scores. If you remove the Bengals’ record (0-6) from The King’s statistic, you will note that the Cowboys’ two losses in that span were against teams with a combined record of 8-4. Both of the 4-2 teams that beat the Cowboys this year, the Redskins and the Cardinals, are likely to make the playoffs. The Cardinals are currently leading the NFC West by two games and the Redskins, who made the playoffs last year, are in great position in the NFC East (despite their loss this week to the Rams) after finishing up their inter-division road games with a record of 2-1. Both losses were close, and this most recent one was an overtime defeat on the road. In summation, the Cowboys have lost two close matches to likely playoff teams in the past three weeks. Disappointing, to be sure. But the sky is hardly falling down in Dallas. It took two fluky plays, a kick return for a touchdown to start the game and a blocked punt recovered for a touchdown to end it in overtime, for Arizona, a team that had scored 44 points against previously undefeated Buffalo the week prior and had the home-field advantage in this match-up, to beat the supposedly self-combusting Cowboys.

From misleading to useless and counterproductive—take a minute to analyze the next two statistics that King uses to back up his “Storm Clouds in Dallas” storyline:

Score: Dallas 79, Foes 78.

First downs: Dallas 54, Foes 54.

If a team loses two games in a three game span, an intelligent observer would expect said team to be outscored and to have fewer first downs than its opponents. That goes without saying. The fact that these two comparative statistics are even suggests that the Cowboys played their opponents evenly over that span. In other words, from these statistics alone, one would probably conclude that the results of those games could have gone either way.

The King may be right to criticize the way that this team is being handled internally—again, he is the lead NFL writer for Sports Illustrated with all of the inside sources, not me—but his flawed use of statistical analysis in this article severely detracts from the argument that he is attempting to make about the Cowboys’ lack of discipline.

Update:

The King, as of 1:24 P.M. has edited his original MMQB posting and added several paragraphs to his lead story after the news broke from Dallas that Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has a broken pinkie and is expected to miss the next three games. His Majesty now has a stronger case for Dallas's playoff hopes being in jeopardy, but his misleading and unhelpful stats STILL strongly detract from, rather than strengthen, his overall argument.

Betsy, as she is so friendly, will be prepped for adoption.

As has been mentioned, she was an Area2 kitty.

We had mentioned the frustrating situation with the kitties in Area2. Of the kitties mentioned, we have been sighting Bambi randomly ever since. mostly around the area's eatery. But we've not managed to establish her schedule and have not managed to "get" her. She is now nursing a litter of kittens, as elusive and skittish as ever. In fact, the night we got Betsy, we were trying to find her, as she is super emaciated, probably due to the strain of nursing her babies. The good news is we think we may be getting nearer to a Bambi schedule - for the past week, btmao has managed to find and feed her 3 out of 7 times. The headache though is that we need to wait for her babies to be weaned, and we're nervous as btmao found Stanley on the night we catnapped Betsy. Also, Bambi needs fattening up before de-mojoing. With an irregular schedule, that's going to be a challenge.

The shy little white kitten with tabby patches has been sighted only once since, early this month. Also as skittish as ever. However, it seemed to be healthy, and is now a bigger kitten.

Sarsi, the last cat we saw has never been sighted since.

That doesn't mean things are quiet in Area2. Even before Freda's discovery in February, we know there are many elusive new kitties around there, due to irresponsible pet owners. We've had random distant sightings of a ginger cat, alone and chasing after another one whom we only heard. Between then and now, we've had one-off sightings of different cats. The most recent one is a 3-5 mth scaredy, mostly white calico kitten first sighted on 26 Sep 2008 sitting in the drains. It is likely a girl. btmaa sighted her a week later, hanging  out near Bambi's eatery territory.

Saba, as far as we can see is still intact, with the very virile and wanderful Stanley paying court to free-ranging pet cat just yesterday. We have decided to not offer any more help to the family due to 2 reasons: 1) the family shows no concern about the issue nor have them attempted to contact us about arrangements for Saba even though we see Sue, the woman of the house often enough on the way home from work; 2) since our last update on Saba, Sue had only called me once, but was more interested in trying to get the same "deal" for her friends than to make arrangements for Saba even though I had already told her sterilising Scottie, Sunny and Sumie was a one-off deal that we were paying out of our own pocket due to the circumstances.

Scottie was out and about, and as friendly as ever. We also caught a glimpse of Sunny. Though Sumie was not sighted, we believe she is well and about, as we've sighted her previously. All three look fantastic, and of course it is being mojo-less that gives them their sleekness.

Benji is still around, and seems to have moved back to his original territory, rather than stay around Saba's area. But even he seems to have gotten in on the act, and is only randomly sighted. He was most recently sighted and fed on Thursday evening.

All in all, our report card on Area 2 this year has been quite dismal. Things have just not been going well in TNRM terms. But with Betsy catnapped, and Bambi finally letting us get a clue about her schedule, maybe the situation can be remedied soon. Hopefuly, we will not have to make difficult decisions as we did on Betsy's behalf.

Close, but no cigar.

I apologize; it’s just that whenever I come within ten feet of something that The King wrote, I start spouting off clichés in order to explain myself.

Translation: While I came close to dethroning His Majesty last week (or at least tying him for the week), I inexplicably picked the Lions to beat the Bears—the same Lions that had been behind by 21 points or more in each of their previous games. Not a very smart pick on my part…

Moving along…here’s to a different week finally bringing with it a different result. I’m really starting to get sick of losing to the Monarch formerly known as Doofus…

Last Week:

Peter King (9-5)
Benji (8-6)
Brian (8-6)

Overall:

Peter King (51-23)
Benji (41-33)
Brian (44-30)

Chicago Bears (3-2) at Atlanta Falcons (3-2)

The King says:

Surprising Stat of the Week: Bears are averaging 27 points a game over the last three weeks. Kyle Orton plays better here than Matt Ryan. Bears put salve on Cubs-related Chitown wounds.

Prediction: Chicago Bears 24, Atlanta Falcons 13

Benji says:

His Majesty’s “Surprising Stat of the Week” is somewhat misleading, given that the Bears played the Lions last week. Still, their offense has been much more productive than I ever anticipated it being. I am still worried about Orton’s decision making when faced with an onslaught of defensive pressure (see the Tampa Bay game when he essentially gave away 21 points). The Falcons are not going to cause him or the Bears much trouble though. They capitalized last week on a depleted Green Bay secondary, but Chicago’s defense should have no trouble shutting their offense down. Mixing Michael Turner runs with play action deep throws to Roddy White will only take them so far. They need to find a way to get other receivers involved and sustain drives through short and intermediate passes. Their offensive shortcomings will become very apparent against the tough Bears’ defense.

Prediction: Chicago Bears 24, Atlanta Falcons 12

Baltimore Ravens (2-2) at Indianapolis Colts (2-2)

The King says:

People who have seen Peyton Manning's knee (the one with the removed bursa sac) without the brace say it's still very much a recovery in progress. You'll see teams playing eight in the box to stop Joseph Addai and pressure Manning until he hits some throws over the top on first and second downs.

Prediction: Baltimore Ravens 20, Indianapolis Colts 17

Benji says:

The King is correct to point out that Peyton Manning is still not back to full-strength and the Colts’ offense has resultantly not found its rhythm up to this point. But I believe that he has gotten better every week and with his offensive line back up and running, I think this team has nowhere to go but up from this point forward. What His Majesty does not say (but implies in his prediction) is that the Ravens’ defense is very good and will be able to keep the score down in this game. I agree with that assessment, but do not trust Joe Flacco, especially in a hostile environment. In my mind, any quarterback who tries to make sideline-to-sideline throws has questionable decision making skills.

Prediction: Indianapolis Colts 22, Baltimore Ravens 15

Detroit Lions (0-4) at Minnesota Vikings (2-3)

The King says:

Big test for interim GM Martin Mayhew with the Lions falling to 0-5. Trading deadline comes two days after this game. If he holds a fire sale for Roy Wiliams and Jon Kitna, and brings back, say, third- and sixth-round picks for them, ownership looks at Mayhew and says, "Is this really the guy for the job? All he can get for our quarterback and Pro Bowl wideout is a three and a six?'' So Mayhew will be under the gun to bring back primo picks, and if he doesn't, my guess is both guys will be on this luckless team until Detroit freezes over.

Prediction: Minnesota Vikings 26, Detroit Lions 13

Benji says:

His Majesty continues to confuse the NFL with Major League Baseball. High profile players are almost never traded during the NFL season! As for the game, I want to apologize for insulting the intelligence of my readers by picking the Lions to win last week. They are atrocious.

Prediction: Minnesota Vikings 28, Detroit Lions 13

Oakland Raiders (1-3) at New Orleans Saints (2-3)

The King says:

No team in the NFL has to win Sunday more than the Saints. They're a shaky 2-3. They face a ridiculous schedule -- no games in New Orleans after this one till Nov. 24 -- and can't fall behind the Panthers any more than they are now. One good sign with Darren McFadden coming to town Sunday: With the defensive front all beat up (Hollis Thomas waived, Sedrick Ellis and Antwan Lake gone for now), they held Adrian Peterson to 32 yards on 21 carries. "This is a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately league,'' Sean Payton said on Sirius NFL Radio this week. "We played the run pretty well Monday night.''

Prediction: New Orleans Saints 33, Oakland Raiders 10

Benji says:

The Saints lost a fluky game on Monday Night. How often do you have a field goal blocked and then returned the other way for a touchdown? That was a really bizarre (and lucky) 10-point swing for the Vikings. And two punts run back for scores by Reggie Bush? What a strange game. If you look past the strangeness, though, it seems clear that the Saints’ passing game is really good. Brees threw for over 300 yards again, and the Saints were one first down away from being able to end the game with a short field goal. The Raiders’ organization is a mess right now, and I do not think that Oakland will be adequately prepared for this game. His Majesty and I actually agree about something—this game will be a blowout.

Prediction: New Orleans Saints 35, Oakland Raiders 20

Cincinnati Bengals (0-5) at New York Jets (2-2)

The King says:

After the game, after the Bengals snatch defeat from the jaws of victory for the fourth straight week, a crestfallen Carson Palmer steps to the podium and says, "Close only counts in horseshoes. There are no moral victories. Winning is contagious and so is losing. And I must stop spouting cliches now or my head will explode.''

Prediction: New York Jets 20, Cincinnati Bengals 17

Benji says:

I would not want to be the New York Jets this week. The Bengals are playing much better than their winless record might suggest, and with nothing left to lose at this point, they may take chances (surprise onside kicks and fourth down plays) and try whacky plays that other teams would not. That being said, the Jets really need to win this game if they are going to make up ground in the AFC East. I think that Favre manages to put up just enough points on the board to hold off a dangerous Bengals team.

Prediction: New York Jets 23, Cincinnati Bengals 20

Carolina Panthers (4-1) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2)

The King says:

No worries about the loss, Panthers fans. You'll be 8-2 in a month. You've got New Orleans, Arizona, Oakland and Detroit, three at home, after this one.

Prediction: Tampa Bay Buccaneers 20, Carolina Panthers 13

Benji says:

While I think that the Buccaneers really need to win this game, I am not sure how they can. The Panthers’ run defense has been phenomenal this year—it has yet to allow a 100-yard rusher, and limited the Chiefs’ Larry Johnson to only 35 yards on the ground. Meanwhile, the Panthers’ pass defense has allowed the third fewest passing yards per game in the league. Can Earnest Graham succeed where Larry Johnson, LaDanian Tomlinson and Adrian Peterson could not? Can either Brian Griese or Jeff Garcia rise to the occasion and muster up a strong performance out of a receiving corps devoid of playmakers? While I do think that Tampa Bay’s defense will hold up its end, its anemic offense (which only scored 13 points against a dreadful Denver defense) will inevitably prevent it from winning the game. Carolina will make it six wins in a row in Tampa on Sunday.

Prediction: Carolina Panthers 20, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 13

St. Louis Rams (0-4) at Washington Redskins (4-1)

The King says:

'Skins have Rams and Browns in FedEx over the next two weeks. Hey, I picked Washington to make the playoffs this year, and even I didn't think they'd be 6-1 after seven games.

Prediction: Washington Redskins 30, St. Louis Rams 17

Benji says:

I think that a major part of the problem in St. Louis has been that Scott Linehan lost control of the team. The switch to Jim Haslett might not save the Rams’ season, but I at the least expect them to try harder now. The Redskins have played very well over the past month, but they need to be careful not to let their guard down in this game.

Prediction: Washington Redskins 24, St. Louis Rams 20

Miami Dolphins (2-2) at Houston Texans (0-4)

The King says:

"We're not in this just to win one or two games,'' Tony Sparano said the other day. Dolphins are a surprising 2-2. Texans are a more surprising 0-4. Under-fire quarterback Matt Schaub will be playing for his job with Joey Porter breathing down his neck. Steve Slaton's rushing for five yards a pop, and this is the week, against a stout run defense, that he needs to grab the full-time rushing job by the throat for Houston.

Prediction: Houston Texans 23, Miami Dolphins 17

Benji says:

The only reason that Matt Schaub still has the starting job for the Texans is that Sage Rosenfels inexplicably fell apart at the end of the game against the Colts. But as much as Sage deserves to be recognized as the reason that the Texans lost that game, he is also the reason that they were in position to win. Against defenses that put a lot of pressure on the passer, Sage has consistently shown that he sees the field better than Schaub. Schaub has remained the starter because of his ability to put up big numbers against both bad defenses and defenses that have good coverage players but do not have a consistent pass rush (read: Jacksonville). Do not be fooled. He is the second coming of David Carr. Against a physical Dolphins’ defense that harassed Philip Rivers and Matt Cassel into miscues and throw-aways time and time again over the past two weeks, Schaub is unlikely to succeed and will likely hold back the Texans from picking up their first win.

Prediction: Miami Dolphins 20, Houston Texans 13

Jacksonville Jaguars (2-3) at Denver Broncos (4-1)

The King says:

Last year at Invesco, Jacksonville outrushed the Broncos 186-47 and out-possessioned them 39 minutes to 21. Has that much changed since then?

Prediction: Jacksonville Jaguars 26, Denver Broncos 20

Benji says:

Actually, Your Majesty, quite a bit has changed since then. The Jaguars’ rushing attack has been much less effective this season due to a decimated offensive line and Jay Cutler has emerged as one of the best quarterbacks in the league and captains a Broncos’ offense that is one of the best in the league. Your predicted score seems reasonable to me, however, because of the desperation factor for the Jaguars (I buy into this argument when it is applied to talented teams) and Denver’s inability to stop the run. The Jaguars should and will follow the blueprint for beating the Broncos that the Chiefs displayed two weeks ago—run the ball, control the time of possession and keep Cutler and co. off the field.

Prediction: Jacksonville Jaguars 26, Denver Broncos 20

Dallas Cowboys (4-1) at Arizona Cardinals (3-2)

The King says:

In the Emmitt Smith Alumni Bowl, the Cardinals feel like diamonds surrounded by trash. (If you don't get that one, google "emmitt smith diamond trash.'' Just what you needed while the economy crashes! Wasting time on an internet search!) Speaking of trash, Adam Jones is perilously close to getting thrown there.

Prediction: Dallas Cowboys 30, Arizona Cardinals 25

Benji says:

I was planning on sticking to my “pick the NFC East team to win in every game against the NFC West” formula with this pick, but the fact of the matter is that the Cardinals match up really well with the Cowboys. Did Arizona’s shellacking of previously undefeated Buffalo play into this pick at all? Not really. All that game did was reaffirm my belief that the Cardinals can beat (as well as lose to) any team in the NFL depending on how Kurt Warner plays. Warner is still a fumble meltdown waiting to happen, but if he has time to sit in the pocket, his plethora of talented receivers will get open and he will find them all game long. Dallas’s defense is the shakiest of any team in its division. The Cowboys struggle to generate a consistent pass rush and their secondary is banged up (safety Roy Williams and top cornerback Terrence Newman are out with injuries)—a bad combination when facing a Kurt Warner-led offense. The Cowboys, of course, have one of the best offenses in the league, though, and are very capable of winning a high scoring game, especially against a so-so defense like Arizona’s. My guess is that the Cardinals will focus defensively on their greatest strength, their ability to stop the run, and try to turn the Cowboys into a one-dimensional offense like the Redskins did when they beat them two weeks ago. This pick is by no means a lock, but I like the Cardinals’ chances.

Prediction: Arizona Cardinals 34, Dallas Cowboys 30

New England Patriots (3-1) at San Diego Chargers (2-3)

The King says:

We get the game of the weekend at NBC, and this is a good old-fashioned John Madden drooler. He'll be really fired up Sunday night, and it'll be because of the new star that flies across the American TV sky: Darren Sproles.

Prediction: San Diego Chargers 26, New England Patriots 23

Benji says:

The King has a point here—if the Chargers are going to run the ball with any success, they need to get Darren Sproles more involved. LaDanian Tomlinson is clearly still hurting, and is not producing at the level we have all come to expect of him. For the Chargers to utilize Sproles effectively, they will need to mix things up and use more outside running plays and screen passes than they have been doing in the first five weeks. The other receivers will also have to step up and perform at a higher level, as Chris Chambers is unlikely to play this weekend. Obviously the Patriots played at a much higher level last week in San Francisco than the Chargers did in Miami, but I have to give San Diego the edge based on my version of the desperation factor: The Chargers are talented, playing at home and really need to win this game.

Prediction: San Diego Chargers 20, New England Patriots 17

Philadelphia Eagles (2-3) at San Francisco 49ers (2-3)

If my picks this week are correct, think of this amazing stat: The NFC East will be 14-1 in non-division games through six weeks.

Prediction: Philadelphia Eagles 26, San Francisco 49ers 9

Benji says:

What became evident to me by the end of the Patriots/49ers game, which concluded with him intentionally throwing the ball out of bounds on fourth down, is that J.T. O’Sullivan can be rattled by persistent pressure. Jim Johnson, defensive coordinator for the Eagles, thrives on his complex blitz schemes. Even if Westbrook does not play and Donovan McNabb has another sub-par game, the 49ers and their shaky pass-blocking do not stand much of a chance. The Philadelphia defense (a much better unit than New England’s) is going to completely flummox them.

Prediction: Philadelphia Eagles 24, San Francisco 49ers 9

Green Bay Packers (2-3) at Seattle Seahawks (1-3)

The King says:

I can feel the atmosphere around the Seahawks from 3,000 miles away. This is one of those the-more-desperate-team-wins game. Mike Holmgren, I'm sure, has made this Armageddon week, and that has nothing to do with the fact that he has a street named after him a half-mile from Lambeau Field. It has to do with the very near future (at Tampa Bay, at San Francisco, Philadelphia, at Miami) and the very real possibility the season will be over by Halloween. "I put people on notice today," Holmgren said Wednesday. Uh-oh.

Prediction: Seattle Seahawks 23, Green Bay Packers 20

Benji says:

Your Majesty, as previously stated, I buy into the whole “desperation factor” thing, but I just do not believe that the Seahawks are a very talented team. Defensively, Seattle’s secondary is terrible and gives up far too many big plays, and its run defense is a non-factor now that teams have learned (using Green Bay’s blueprints from its playoff win over Seattle last season) to utilize power-running formations to subdue its speedy but undersized linebackers. Overall, the defense ranks 27th in the league in yards allowed, ahead of only the Rams and Lions in the NFC. Offensively, while the reanimated corpse of Julius Jones is having a good season, no one else is. Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck does finally have his top receiver Bobby Engram healthy and back on the field, but has no one else of note to throw to now that Deion Branch is injured again. Hasselbeck, who has completed less than 50 percent of his passes this season, is also playing hurt—he hyperextended his knee last weekend and also has been playing through a back injury. I would not like Seattle’s chances against most teams in the league this weekend, let alone against a talented Packers team that DESPERATELY needs to win this game to keep pace with the Bears in the NFC North. “Uh-oh” indeed.

Prediction: Green Bay Packers 31, Seattle Seahawks 17

New York Giants (4-0) at Cleveland Browns (1-3)

The King says:

Moral victory for the Browns. Average score of the Giants' first four wins: 32-12.

Prediction: New York Giants 24, Cleveland Browns 16

Benji says:

I almost feel as though my version of the desperation factor (talented team, must-win game, at home) might apply here—I’m just not entirely convinced that the Browns are that talented a team. Maybe opposing defenses have just figured out Derek Anderson to the point where he is no longer an effective starting quarterback. This game will go a long way toward determining whether or not the Browns are any good or at least if they have any pride whatsoever. If they lose, their season is essentially over. If you compare common opponents, both teams barely won against the Bengals—of course, the Bengals that the Browns defeated for their only win of the season were quarterbacked by Ryan Fitzpatrick rather than Carson Palmer. I just do not think that the Browns have it in them to pull off the upset unless the Giants play really sloppy…like they did in their overtime win against the Bengals. It could happen…

Prediction: New York Giants 24, Cleveland Browns 20

Lousy contractor. We entrusted this dick with our LIVES, and he with his shoddy workmanship doomed us all to the crushing weight of reality. And to see the other side of that hole in the wall—well holy hell. Who knew?

But we can’t talk about all that yet. First, the Move Out: It was pretty simple. I packed a box and a suitcase and threw that shit in Sugarbear’s dirty Volkswagen trunk. Easy as freaking PIE, fellow motherfuckers. When in doubt, travel light. You’re really not going to need any of the shit you’ve collected while whiling away the hours pondering the greater good, so leave it; cut it loose and let it find its next big hero.

The hard part being over, Sugarbear accompanied me back into the house where I USED to live for one last dose of disparity as my family members congregated to wish me well.

I shouldn’t be so flip. The look in Clare’s eyes tore at my heart. I asked her what the hell her problem was in far more of an irritated tone then I meant, and she flinched—which of course made me feel like even more of an asshole. I was like, hey man, I am sorry, but you are making me feel like a complete and total fuck-face. She was all like, “How can you leave me here with these weirdoes?”—meaning my mom and dad, of course—and I could tell she was seriously stricken by the thought, but I found that to be incredibly unfair. I pleaded with Clare. I was like, hey man, come on, lest we all forget, THEY kicked MY ass out. This was not my idea. “Pendel, you didn’t even ask them to reconsider. They don’t know you the way I do. They don’t know that you could get hurt.”

Sugarbear snorted and smacked my shoulder, skyrocketing my level of irritation. “You hear that, you pussy? The real world’s gonna chew you up.” I scowled deeply at both of them—why must I be underestimated at every goddamned turn? I said to Clare, look here, sister: I am made of fucking steel, get it? I cannot be broken. She just shook her head. “I know you,” she said. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I wouldn’t get the chance to find out—down the hall came the clumsy love of my mother and father. Clare clammed up and simply continued to scowl in my general direction until I left home forever.

“So this is it, yes?” asked my dad. He patted my shoulder in a very ‘now-you’re-a-man’ kind of way, and I felt absolutely no remorse whatsoever seep from a single one of his pores. My mother, on the other hand, was beside herself. Her hands bothered themselves with incessant wringing, and her eyebrows were a study in sorrow. “Oh Pendel, I think this is all wrong,” she bemoaned. Please. After everything—after she more than any other member of our sad kin made me feel like a bother and a hindrance to her happiness—she has the balls to tell me it’s wrong that I should leave. In my mind I was smashing everything dear to her into tiny bits, but outwardly I chose to be as tall as the redwoods, and I simply gave her a hug. My dad tipped me a knowing wink (though he knows very little) and comforted my mother, “This is the way of things. There’s no other way for him to become a man.” Dear lord. Really? That’s what you’re going to say? Of course he’s wrong, I could maybe get fucking LAID for once. That would help a hell of a lot more than starving to death in the back of Sugar’s shithole.

My mother took my hands, “Come over for dinner as often as you want, OK? Please? Help me not to worry.” I said fine. Realistically, coming over for dinner might be the only time I eat. “Sugar, keep him out of trouble. Keep him INSIDE.”

Sugarbear gave me a nudge. “No worries, Mrs. Haight. I got bars on the windows.”

“Oh Lord. OK. Oh boy,” worried my mother, and she turned and hugged Clare, because Clare was far more receptive to such things than any of the men around her.

My dad walked Sugar and me outside, cause that’s just the kind of fucking stand-up guy he is. “OK, ladies,” he joked. “Look, Pendel. I know you’re gonna take a couple of days to get the feel of all of this new-found independence, but after that, come by, OK?” I said fine. Then he took me by the shoulders and looked me square in the face. “I will be right here, son.” I got the distinct impression that he was not only giving me reassurances, but also warning me of his continued vigilance—which is a complete joke. Although my parents did much in the way of keeping me alive in regards to caloric intake and clothing, when it came to guidance and structure…but this is horseshit. They tried, I resisted, and the world spun restlessly on and on.

So basically, my leaving home was a complete non-event.

That night I celebrated liberation with Bear, Benji, and Hugh—Hugh being the name we gave to the wizard-shaped ceramic bong belonging to Benji. As I have said before, Bear’s old man is letting us crash cheaply at a property he owns near the corner of Rubsam and Race. Kind of a shit-hole, but I’m not really complaining. The gray paint is slowly giving up, the lawn is the color of hopelessness, and the cracked driveway speaks of a world long after the death of the last man as nature once again claims the spots we had worn thin. Nevertheless, the bedroom I have on the ground floor near the kitchen is my own, the living room has a television and cable and the promise of a life free from lectures and suspicion, and my roommates seem to genuinely enjoy my company (for the most part). The jabbing tip of springs as they force their heads out from nearly every cushion of every ass-related surface is barely noticeable when you spend as much time rocking the skull of Hugh as we do.

How do I afford such luxury, you ask? It’s a great question. I do have work, but the work is tricky to talk about, if you get my meaning. Basically, I work for Sugarbear. Benji and I both do, really. We single-handedly run the sales and delivery department of Sug’s fantastically lucrative plastic cube business. Suffice to say there’s a certain amount of glamour involved. The client makes a call to my man Sugarbear, who places the order in the hands of the raggedly loyal Benji or myself, and off we go on our various modes of transport with a generous supply of cubes, each one full of it’s own special brand of magic.

With sincere purpose I pedal into the night (or day, I guess…whichever), nervous but free from it all, and I visit all parts of town, delivering Sugar’s flawless product. I climb sagging steps and cross gated paths unhindered; I am welcomed warmly into hovels of sand and gilded halls; I am given Mountain Dew and I am offered red wine and everywhere around me there are smiles which are unique purely in their genuineness. I leave strewn behind me a trail of happy people. Hell, if I could only get the crabby bitches in the old folk’s home to feel the same way, I would have been tempted to think I’m entering into an honest-to-god period of renewal.

And to think I dreaded the working world.

Yes, times seemed to be quite high, but of course awakening must soon break a dream realized. After just a couple of weeks of living with a smile, I began to see the dark sedan parked innocently in front of our house, and thought nothing of it. Hindsight is a useless appendage.

(But not for long, ;))

In this week’s Monday Morning Quarterback, His Majesty bestows the third of his “Offensive Player of the Week” awards upon Tony Gonzalez, the long-time star tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs:

Tony Gonzales, TE, Kansas City. It's a token award, but a deserving one for a great player who will toil in obscurity all season. His three catches for 17 yards gave him 841 receptions for an NFL tight-end-record 10,075 yards, passing Shannon Sharpe. Amazing thing is, he's as healthy as a horse, is only 32, and could surely get to 1,000 catches, which I'm certain no forefather of this great game ever conceived a tight end would reach.

While I appreciate fully what Gonzalez has done to revolutionize the tight end position, and I believe that his career statistics are phenomenal, his offensive performance THIS WEEK was quite pedestrian. His team lost 34-0 to the Carolina Panthers and he only caught three passes for 17 yards. 19 other tight ends had better performances than him on Sunday, including such household names as the Colts’ Tom Santi (four catches for 27 yards and a touchdown) and the Packers’ Tory Humphrey (four catches for 67 yards). I understand that Gonzalez broke the record for most receiving yards by a tight end in this particular game, but his performance THIS WEEK, the week that he happened to break the record, was inconsequential. Let me put it in pop culture terms: Would awarding Robin Williams an Oscar for his acting in “License to Wed” be an effective way to honor him for his brilliant performances in “Good Will Hunting,” “Dead Poets Society,” and “Death to Smoochy?”

It’s not that I believe that giving Tony Gonzalez recognition for his fantastic career numbers in a season which, as The King points out, he “will toil in obscurity”, is a bad thing—I just think that said recognition is out of place in the weekly awards segment of His column. His Majesty has a section of MMQB completely dedicated to random thoughts and commentary, “Ten Things I Think I Think,” and that is where this paragraph about Gonzalez’s achievement would be placed, if He were to organize His column in a sensible and coherent manner. Finally, I hate to be nitpicky (okay fine, I lied, I actually kind of enjoy it), but if you are going to honor a talented player whose career you have followed and admired for the past twelve years, I would, at the least, expect you to know how to spell his last name. Gonzalez, not Gonzales.

Yeah, she has a dog - a Bichon Frise, to be exact - and the kids love him!!! It's really pretty cute. The dog, Benji, walks around the house followed by at least one, usually two little children. Joel is fascinated with dogs and if Benji's on the move, Joel is right behind. This morning, we even had a little parade going with Benji in the lead, followed by Joel and Isaac.

Fortunately, the Bichon is a (generally) non-allergenic dog so our allergies are not aggravated by Benji's presence. He's also great around the children which makes the visit that much more pleasant. Alas, he will have to go home on Monday and I'm sure Joel will be looking for him for the rest of the week, but it's been a good visit - with Darcy's mom, too! :) - and leaves us grateful for our extended family.

Different week, same story—despite my cheesiest attempts to inspire myself into out-picking The King, he once again rose to the occasion and defeated me rather handily. So where do I go from here? I could just hide up in my room and cry and regret that I ever became a football fan. Or I could remain calm, grab another Vitamin Water from the fridge and remind myself that we are only four weeks into the NFL season—although I have dug myself a hole in my competition with The King, over 75 percent of the games have yet to be played. His Majesty may have won the battle (or several battles really) but he has not yet won the war…

Last Week:

Peter King (10-3)
Benji (7-6)
Brian (7-6)

Overall:

Peter King (42-18)
Benji (33-27)
Brian (36-24)

Chicago Bears (2-2) at Detroit Lions (0-3)

The King says:

Twelve weeks to job-save, Rod Marinelli.

Prediction: Chicago Bears 24, Detroit Lions 20

Benji says:

Your Majesty, why does your analysis for this game consist solely of a single sentence belittling the Lions? This dismissive approach might make more sense if you expected the Lions to lose in devastating fashion to a team that is far superior to them, but as your predicted score indicates, you expect it to be a close game. I also expect it to be a close game, but I will actually take the time to explain my pick. I have not bought into this “resurgent” Bears team, because I am not sold on either its defense or its offense. Against the Buccaneers, Chicago struggled to manage the game on offense (Kyle Orton seemingly committed a turnover every time that the Buccaneers pressured him) and allowed a mediocre passing attack to gain over 400 yards through the air. Yes, Chicago beat Philadelphia last week, but Philadelphia was without its most explosive offensive weapon (Brian Westbrook), got poor play from its secondary, and left a lot of points on the field. The “dominant” Chicago defense in no way controlled the outcome of that game. As for Detroit, do not be fooled by its 0-3 record—the Lions have a lot of weapons on the offensive side of the field. They also have a recent track record of success against the Bears—they won both meeting between the two teams last year, and quarterback Jon Kitna has thrown for just over 1,000 yards, five touchdowns and no interceptions in four career games against Chicago. Lastly, Chicago will likely be without the services of its top receiver so far this year, Brandon Lloyd, who left last week’s game with a knee injury. The way I see it, Detroit is poised to pick up its first win of the season this week.

Prediction: Detroit Lions 28, Chicago Bears 20

Atlanta Falcons (2-2) at Green Bay Packers (2-2)

The King says:

I'm not saying Aaron Rodgers' throwing shoulder isn't sore, and perhaps very sore. I know it is. But you'll be able to knock me over with a feather if Rodgers doesn't play. Ol' blood-and-guts Favre has started 6,000 games in a row. Rodgers has started four in a row, and one of the big questions about him entering his starting career in Green Bay was his durability. So the only way he'll be on the sidelines is if the arm below his subluxed shoulder is hanging by a tendon.

Prediction: Green Bay Packers 30, Atlanta Falcons 19

Benji says:

The Packers are not going to cave to the interests of the media over the interests of their franchise quarterback’s health no matter how badly you want them to, Your Majesty. They want Rodgers to play, but they are not going to put him on the field with an incapacitated throwing shoulder simply to prove a point about his durability in the context of the media-fueled Favre/Rodgers debate. Anyway, they have a strong enough team in place to beat the Falcons even if Matt Flynn starts at quarterback instead of Rodgers (which at the moment looks pretty likely). The Falcons looked great at home against two mediocre teams and terrible on the road against two playoff contenders. I expect this trend to continue this week.

Prediction: Green Bay Packers 24, Atlanta Falcons 17

San Diego Chargers (2-2) at Miami Dolphins (1-2)

The King says:

What haven't the Chargers been able to stop so far this year? Efficient quarterbacks (Jake Delhomme, Jay Cutler) who can make long drives and don't succumb to pressure. Meet Chad Pennington.

Prediction: Miami Dolphins 24, San Diego Chargers 23

Benji says:

Your Majesty, while I certainly agree with your assertion that Pennington is an efficient quarterback, I do not agree with you comparing him to Delhomme and Cutler. Both Cutler and Delhomme have the arm strength to challenge the defense by throwing downfield. Pennington is exactly the type of quarterback that the Chargers’ opportunistic secondary (specifically Cromartie) thrives upon. As we saw in his final two seasons with the Jets, Pennington is unable to get enough velocity on his passes to the outside and thus speedy cornerbacks (such as Cromartie) have learned to jump these routes. The real key to New York’s offense is the running game. Both Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown looked great against the Patriots, even when they were not operating from a trick formation. Pennington is only as effective as his running game allows him to be (which, when you think back to the Curtis Martin-led playoff teams he was on with the Jets, has really always been the case with him). I like Miami’s defense, but I think that the Chargers’ balanced offense will still prove to be too much for the Dolphins to handle. Hey, beating last year’s AFC Championship game entrants in consecutive games is a lot to ask of any team.

Prediction: San Diego Chargers 28, Miami Dolphins 20

Seattle Seahawks (1-2) at New York Giants (3-0)

The King says:

Loved what Mike Holmgren said Wednesday about how reporters write so much about the incredible pain and strain of fit and strong men flying somewhere for five hours and then not being able to cope with the rigors of a three-hour sporting event."Anybody that gets too concerned with your biorhythms and the seat on the airplane and all that stuff, it's a bunch of bunk,'' sayeth the wise old Holmgren. "You lose a football game for the same reason you lose a football game at home, on the road, a two-hour time change, when we go to Arizona, San Francisco -- you lose because you played lousy. You fumbled the ball, and you threw interceptions, and you missed tackles. Period. I don't want to hear it ... We go on Friday. We try and get acclimated just a little bit. We have no excuses. If we lose a three-hour time change game, it's because we didn't play well enough. We weren't good enough that day. Not because of the travel and all that stuff. We travel as well as anybody. We stay in the best hotels, we feed them properly, we do all those things, we've studied it, all that stuff. We give them sushi, jeez. We do it all for them." Big question, Mike: You give them the California roll or the Secaucus roll?

Prediction: New York Giants 23, Seattle Seahawks 21

Benji says:

Deion Branch and Bobby Engram are expected to make their season debuts for the Seahawks on Sunday, which is both good and bad news for Seattle. The good news, of course, is that the Seahawks finally have experienced receivers back in the starting lineup. The bad news is that Branch and Engram are likely to be pretty rusty. A road game against the defending champions is a difficult setting for a wide receiver to re-acclimate himself to the speed and rigors of an NFL game. As for the Giants, because of their depth at wide receiver and Seattle’s leaky pass defense, they can afford to prove a point to top receiver Plaxico Burress and not critically damage their chances of winning this game.

Prediction: New York Giants 24, Seattle Seahawks 17

Washington Redskins (3-1) at Philadelphia Eagles (2-2)

The King says:

Great, great football game. What's incredible to me is, we're four weeks into this season, and the four NFC East teams have lost a total of one game outside the division. The power of the NFL has shifted from Indy-Foxboro-San Diego to this division.

Prediction: Philadelphia Eagles 26, Washington Redskins 14

Benji says:

The Eagles really blew it last week, even taking Brian Westbrook’s absence into account. They failed to take advantage of the opportunities that the Bears gave them to score, which is why they lost. My bet is they get it together this weekend against Washington though. Westbrook will probably play and McNabb, despite the Redskins’ depth at the cornerback position, should be able to take advantage of Shawn Springs’s absence. I want to pause for a moment and reflect upon the superb effort that Washington showed in its win in Dallas last week, in all facets of the game. That being said, it’s tough, if not damn near impossible, for any team to defeat two of the best teams in the league on the road in consecutive weeks.

Prediction: Philadelphia Eagles 24, Washington Redskins 17

Kansas City Chiefs (1-3) at Carolina Panthers (3-1)

The King says:

Thirty-two years ago, the two coaches in this game -- John Fox and Herman Edwards -- were defensive backs at San Diego State. Thus the Panthers' total here. You want science? Go to MIT.

Prediction: Carolina Panthers 32, Kansas City Chiefs 10

Benji says:

What really kills me about you, Your Majesty, are your lopsided scores that do not take into account how a team played the previous week. You really think that the Panthers are three touchdowns better than the Chiefs? Maybe with Thigpen as the starting quarterback, but Kansas City’s offense is at least decent with Huard at the helm. You do realize that the Chiefs shut down the previously unbeaten Broncos’ vaunted offense last week and beat them, right? I am not saying that I necessarily expect them to follow up with a win on the road against a solid (but not great) team, but show them a little respect. The Chiefs will keep this one close, but in the end, despite your ignorance of basic football logic, our picks will both be the same and will be correct. If only our predicted scores actually counted for something…

Prediction: Carolina Panthers 24, Kansas City Chiefs 20

Tennessee Titans (4-0) at Baltimore Ravens (2-1)

The King says:

I say this to Chris Johnson without knowing him or ever having met him. And I say this because I want Chris Johnson to have a long and successful career in the NFL, because he's an exciting player. But, Chris, I want you to look very closely at the tape of the Baltimore-Pittsburgh game. Notice this one thing: Ray Lewis, on a tackle you see 1,000 times a weekend in the NFL, broke Rashard Mendenhall's shoulder cleanly, knocking the kid out for the year. Ray Lewis is coming at you hard Sunday, and he'll have his friends with him. A word to the wise, kid.

Prediction: Baltimore Ravens 16, Tennessee Titans 9

Benji says:

As far as upset picks go, I cannot come up with much of a counterargument for not picking this one. The Ravens have a dominant defense again this year (Ray Lewis and co. look like they are on a mission), and I still do not feel very confident about the Titans’ ability to move the ball down the field. That being said, something smells fishy here. Picking Baltimore just somehow seems like too obvious of a pick. Maybe the Titans’ defense is dominant enough so that they are really as good as their record indicates. Maybe Baltimore’s defense looked better than it actually is against a Steelers’ team with horrendous pass-blocking and a third string running back playing for most of the game. Maybe the Ravens will be just a little beat-up after an overtime loss on Monday night. Maybe I am changing my original pick as I finish writing this paragraph…

Prediction: Tennessee Titans 20, Baltimore Ravens 13

Indianapolis Colts (1-2) at Houston Texans (0-3)

The King says:

Close but no cigar. The Colts are healthier than they've been all year. Tony Ugoh should be back at left tackle, and Jeff Saturday should be absolutely fine at center. So I like the Texans to play an inspired game and put some pressure on Peyton Manning, but I don't like them to win.

Prediction: Indianapolis Colts 20, Houston Texans 16

Benji says:

I love Steve Slaton, and I think he is going to have a big day against the Bob Sanders-less Indianapolis defense. That being said, His Majesty is right to point out the return of Ugoh and Saturday—a healthy Colts’ offensive line is very bad news for opposing defenses.

Prediction: Indianapolis Colts 31, Houston Texans 20

Cincinnati Bengals (0-4) at Dallas Cowboys (3-1)

The King says:

Not sure this is entirely fair, but if we see the best game of Chad Ocho Cinco's/Johnson's season, we'll think it's because he views this as an audition a week before the trading deadline.

Prediction: Dallas Cowboys 31, Cincinnati Bengals 20

Benji says:

Newsflash, Your Majesty: this isn’t baseball. High-profile players DO NOT get traded during the season in the NFL. Thus, you will be the ONLY ONE who views Ocho Cinco’s performance in this game as an “audition” for a trade. As long as we are on the subject of Ocho Cinco, if he makes good on his threat to kiss the Dallas star, I am pretty sure he will be seeing stars long after this game is over. The Cowboys are mad enough already after their home loss to Washington last weekend…

Prediction: Dallas Cowboys 38, Cincinnati Bengals 20

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1) at Denver Broncos (3-1)

The King says:

And warming up in the bullpen: Jeff Garcia. Or Luke McCown. Or Josh Johnson. Or Doug Williams. Or Steve Spurrier.

Prediction: Denver Broncos 30, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 23

Benji says:

In the battle of two teams that are undeserving of their 3-1 records, I will take the home team as well. Tampa plays a blitz-happy zone defense that can be beaten. It looks good when it gets pressure on the quarterback, and looks terrible when it does not. Denver chooses not to play defense at all. Luckily for the Broncos, Jay Cutler knows how to move the ball down the field and he has a couple of very talented receivers. Brian Greise can move the ball down the field too; unfortunately, he is also apt to turn the ball over on any given play.

Prediction: Denver Broncos 34, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 27

Buffalo Bills (4-0) at Arizona Cardinals (2-2)

The King says:

Trent Edwards has been the best second-half quarterback in the NFL through a month. Kurt Warner can't afford another horrible game. This one will come down to the last drive of the game.

Prediction: Arizona Cardinals 33, Buffalo Bills 29

Benji says:

Put simply, the Bills are not as good as their undefeated record. They play pretty good defense and have a pretty good offense but are not great in either respect. Roscoe Parrish, their special teams ace-in-the-hole, is injured. The Cardinals have a shaky defense and a quarterback who can have a multiple fumble meltdown in any given quarter. But that same quarterback is also capable of scoring 35 points in a half and leading his team back from a 34-0 half-time deficit and keeping it in the game. The Cardinals’ passing attack, when it’s working properly, is better than anything the Bills have going for them.

Prediction: Arizona Cardinals 34, Buffalo Bills 27

New England Patriots (2-1) at San Francisco 49ers (2-2)

The King says:

Most compelling game of the weekend. The 13-day rehab of Matt Cassel will be in full view, and my take is that the Patriots will have figured out a way to make him succeed -- and not just by having him throw safe passes. I think they'll have him throw it deep to Randy Moss three or four times and basically say to their own team and the other 31 in the league that they're not going to play the rest of the season by trying to hide Cassel.

Prediction: New England Patriots 20, San Francisco 49ers 16

Benji says:

I do think that Cassel will play better, Your Majesty, but I think you are missing the real storyline of this game. The 49ers’ pass blocking is atrocious, and the Patriots have one of the best defensive lines in the league. New England has a flawed defense that a good team can pick apart, but San Francisco (despite the fact that it has a chance to win its division) is not a very good team and does not match up well with it.

Prediction: New England Patriots 24, San Francisco 49ers 13

Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1) at Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)

The King says:

Before the season, I said the Steelers were facing the toughest schedule in NFL history. I should have called it the most physically demanding. Imagine facing the blitzing Eagles, the blitzing and slug-you-in-the-mouth Ravens and the brutish Jags in the span of 15 days -- the final one on a short week, on the road. I hope the Steelers have 45 guys to suit up when December comes.

Prediction: Jacksonville Jaguars 13, Pittsburgh Steelers 9

Benji says:

I think we are pretty much in agreement here, Your Majesty. That Monday Night victory against the Ravens came at a heavy cost for the Steelers. They were already beat-up and now are down to their third-string running back and minus two starters from their fearsome defensive line for their game on Sunday. Jacksonville did not look particularly impressive against the Texans last week, but Houston seems to play very well against the Jaguars as of late. I think that the Jaguars will take advantage of Pittsburgh’s injuries up front and establish their running game, while the Steelers’ offense sputters without an effective running back or pass blocking.

Prediction: Jacksonville Jaguars 28, Pittsburgh Steelers 17

Minnesota Vikings (1-3) at New Orleans Saints (2-2)

The King says:

One scary stat for the Vikes one month into the season: four games, seven sacks. Simply not enough instant impact from Jared Allen and the Williams boys.

Prediction: New Orleans Saints 27, Minnesota Vikings 17

Benji says:

Your Majesty, I have noticed that your football analysis improves when your preseason picks are disproved. You are very aware that the Vikings’ defensive line is not creating any pressure on the quarterback because you were so sure, before the season began, that it would do just that. I would add to your analysis that Minnesota’s off-season acquisition of Bernard Berrian is not paying off because its passing game is simply not making plays downfield, no matter who the quarterback is. Finally, it should be noted that while the Vikings are very good at stopping the run, they are shaky at defending the pass. Drew Brees and the Saints are very good at making plays in the passing game, and should be able to successfully move the ball and win the game, because the Vikings are not capable of winning a shootout.

Prediction: New Orleans Saints 34, Minnesota Vikings 20

In this week’s MMQB, The King gave out a little piece of fantasy football advice, and I have inexplicably decided to listen to him.

6. I think if I had a spare spot on my fantasy team, I'd claim Ryan Torain, injured rookie Denver running back. Just do it. You'll thank me when you win your league.

My team, the Green Mountain Boys, currently resides in second place in my eight-team fantasy football league. I have been happy with my team’s performance thus far this season, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to win my league. Thus, under His Majesty’s guidance, I have dropped injured Bengals backup running back Kenny Watson in favor of the immortal Ryan Torain, in the hopes of putting my team over the top. I believe that Torain will be the good luck charm that my talented squad has been missing. While His Majesty did not explicitly state his reasoning for his belief that Torain will help me “win [my] league”, I can only assume that he also sees Torain as the fantasy equivalent of a lucky penny or a rabbit’s foot. After all, in order to even have the opportunity to become a relevant fantasy player, the injured Torain would have to beat out three players currently ahead of him on the Broncos’ depth chart: a respected veteran (Michael Pittman) and two younger backs (Selvin Young and Andre Hall) who have run the ball quite successfully thus far this season (averaging 6.2 and 4.9 yards per carry respectively). Assuming that Torain did beat out these three players for the starting job, he would still need to hope for injuries to all three of them, assuring himself a full load of carries. Mike Shanahan has shown over the past few seasons that he is committed to a running back timeshare, no matter who his backs are and thus none of his running backs this season are likely to be consistent fantasy scorers regardless of how successful the Broncos are at running the ball. Finally, Denver’s offensive philosophy this season has been to pass whenever possible—and with a defense that would have difficulty stopping a college intramural team, I expect that to continue to be the case for the rest of the year.

But I am sure that His Majesty was not implying that Torain would be a high-scoring fantasy player by the season’s end; I just think that we are both very superstitious guys. Has anyone seen my lucky thong?

I’ve got to hand it to The King—not only did he defeat me again in our weekly picks, he also delivered editions of MMQB and MMQB Tuesday Edition devoid of his usual exasperating analytical issues. Unfortunately for His Majesty, though, even his most valid arguments are usually undermined by his inability to properly fact check the statistics he uses to back them up.

In this week’s MMQB Tuesday Edition, The King writes the following in his analysis of the Steelers/Ravens Monday night game:

Pittsburgh, needing a field goal to win in overtime, had a third-and-14 from the Baltimore 35. This would have been a 52-yard attempt if the Steelers got nothing on this play. Problematic, seeing that there's never been a field goal of 50 or more yards at Heinz Field. The Steelers needed four, maybe five yards to feel comfortable about Jeff Reed making a field goal.

While The King is correct in his assertion that Heinz Field is a very difficult place to kick long field goals, the validity of his argument is compromised by his use of an inaccurate statistic.

First of all, there HAS been a successful field goal of greater than 50 yards at Heinz Field—a 51-yard kick by West Virginia kicker Pat McAfee on November 16, 2006. His Majesty never specifies that an NFL kicker has never kicked a field goal from that distance—he states, “there’s NEVER been a field goal of 50 or more yards at Heinz Field”.

Secondly, even if we do give The King the benefit of the doubt here and assume that he is referring only to field goals attempted in regular season NFL games, he is still wrong. Again, he writes that no kicker has ever successfully kicked “a field goal of 50 OR MORE yards” in the stadium. The Steelers’ Jeff Reed, the very kicker His Majesty is writing about in his analysis of the Monday night game, successfully converted a 50-yard field goal at Heinz Field in a 20-3 victory over Tampa Bay back in Week 13 of the 2006 NFL season.

Again, while I am willing to give The King credit for his unusually coherent columns this week (as well as his success in picking the outcomes of the games so far this season), I cannot give him a free pass on yet another statistical gaffe.

Recordaros y destacar que si teneis alguno y quereis que lo postee, mandadme un correo a: naviel@gmail.com

Sin más.

It’s the final countdown!

After another embarrassing loss at the hands of His Majesty, I am definitely down, but I assure you, NOT out. Time to do my best Rocky impression—I will overcome this adversity by training hard, injecting myself with steroids and listening to cheesy late 70’s/early 80’s music while I write my column.

Last Week:

Peter King (12-4)
Benji (9-7)
Brian (10-6)

Overall:

Peter King (32-15)
Benji (26-21)
Brian (28-19)

Cleveland Browns (0-3) at Cincinnati Bengals (0-3)

The King says:

Why do I have faith in this team, Lord? Why, oh why? "You must hand one to all the people playing The Peter King Challenge,'' the voice in my head says. "You must give them a freebie.'' The Bengals have more momentum coming out of a good performance last week against the Giants, and the Browns look like a dying team. (Will whoever has kidnapped Braylon Edwards please return him to the Browns' charter before it takes off Saturday afternoon for Cincinnati?) This is the seventh game of the World Series for both Romeo Crennel and Marvin Lewis. They may both be walking the plank after the season anyway, but the one who starts 0-4 almost assuredly will be. And maybe sooner than that.

Prediction: Cleveland Browns 22, Cincinnati Bengals 20

Benji says:

Pardon me, Your Majesty, but in my humble opinion, your Game 7 of the World Series analogy is one of the worst things that you have ever written. It does not make any sense, logically or ironically. Yes, both teams are 0-3, and yes, both highly regarded offenses have underachieved, but one of the two teams has been involved in a pair of close games and has improved over the first few weeks of the season, while the other has, if anything, gotten worse. The Browns’ offense looks terrible—the line has not played as well as last year, Derek Anderson has been erratic and inaccurate, and Braylon Edwards cannot catch a pass to save his life; the Bengals, on the other hand, played a great game last week against the defending Super Bowl champions and lost in overtime after putting forth a very respectable offensive showing. At the least, it seems like Houshmandzadeh and Palmer are back on the same page. I will go with the home team here…

Prediction: Cincinnati Bengals 27, Cleveland Browns 20

Minnesota Vikings (1-2) at Tennessee Titans (3-0)

The King says:

I like so many fundamental things the Titans are doing, aside from the obvious 29 points allowed in three games. They have rushed for 157 yards per game, allowed 11 third-down conversions, and, now that Kerry Collins is the man, should be a little less turnover-prone.

Prediction: Tennessee Titans 20, Minnesota Vikings 15

Benji says:

His Majesty has already laid out the strengths of this Titans team (and the stats to back up his assertions), so I will not waste any time rehashing them. Let’s talk instead about Tennessee’s weaknesses. The Titans are not going to score a lot of points—their offense, like the Vikings’, is entirely dependent on the ground game. Tennessee’s defense, and specifically its pass rush, is extremely effective at pressuring the quarterback. As the Texans showed last week, however, it is not as strong at stopping the run. Rookie Steve Slaton, in his first NFL start, ran the ball 18 times for 116 yards, an average of 6.4 yards per carry. With the best offensive line in the league and possibly the best running back tandem in the league, the Vikings have the personnel to exploit the Titans’ biggest weakness. They also need to win this game much more than the Titans do.

Prediction: Minnesota Vikings 23, Tennessee Titans 17

Denver Broncos (3-0) at Kansas City Chiefs (0-3)

The King says:

Last year, around midseason, Jay Cutler felt himself getting weak and sluggish, losing weight weekly and having no idea why. The pressure of the season, the Broncos thought. Turns out he had diabetes and it wasn't discovered till late April. But as he struggled with the weakness and the weight loss, he played Kansas City twice -- in Week 10 and Week 14, in the throes of the onset of Type I diabetes. Cutler was 37 of 56, a 66-percent completion rate, with five touchdowns and one interception. Denver won by a combined 68-18. I bring that up for this simple reason: Cutler feels like a million bucks now. He's commanding a team that's put up 41, 39 and 34 points the first three weeks of the season. Great news for a team struggling as much as these Chiefs-Cutler killed 'em when he felt like crawling under the covers and sleeping the day away. What'll he do when he's feeling whole again?

Prediction: Denver Broncos 38, Kansas City Chiefs 18

Benji says:

As much as I want to see the Broncos lose here, it is not going to happen. The Broncos’ offense is too good, and the Chiefs’ defense will not be able to hold it down. I do think that the Chiefs will play infinitely better with Damon Huard at quarterback this week though. Kansas City is not nearly as bad as people seem to think that it is.

Prediction: Denver Broncos 31, Kansas City Chiefs 24

San Francisco 49ers (2-1) at New Orleans Saints (1-2)

The King says:

Drew Brees is on pace for a 5,227-yard passing season. Imagine averaging 327 passing yards per game, which Brees is doing. We think of Dan Fouts as one of the all-time mad bombers, and he averaged 238 passing yards per game in his career. Point is, Brees may look like Clark Kent, but he's putting up numbers that make him look like he's playing with a red cape.

Prediction: New Orleans Saints 33, San Francisco 49ers 24

Benji says:

The San Francisco defense will not be kryptonite for “Super Man” Drew Brees, even with Colston and Shockey out. Plus, the Saints are at home and they really need to win this game. Their defense stinks, though, so expect another high scoring affair. I would definitely recommend playing J.T. O’Sullivan this week (or really anyone involved in this game), if you have him on your fantasy team.

Prediction: New Orleans Saints 38, San Francisco 49ers 31

Arizona Cardinals (2-1) at New York Jets (1-2)

The King says:

"I've won way more games than I've lost,'' Brett Favre said the other day. "I don't anticipate that changing.'' Kurt Warner's in the way this week. The first quarterback to 300 yards wins. My money's on Favre, who will finally be unchained to throw it five or six times downfield.

Prediction: New York Jets 26, Arizona Cardinals 23

Benji says:

The Cardinals are probably the better team at this point in the season—their defense has been solid and their passing game has been great. The Jets, on the other hand, looked completely outmatched against the Chargers last week. New York is desperate right now, though, and Favre tends to come through in these types of situations. The defense better follow suit, though…

Prediction: New York Jets 27, Arizona Cardinals 24

Green Bay Packers (2-1) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)

The King says:

Is this a big surprise? Didn't think so. It'll be an anti-Green Bay 87 and muggy at gametime, the Bucs will send the house at Aaron Rodgers, and Brian Griese's better than we all thought a week ago.

Prediction: Tampa Bay Buccaneers 20, Green Bay Packers 17

Benji says:

Is Brian Griese really that much better than “we” thought a week ago? He did throw three interceptions against the Bears. And while Tampa Bay’s defense put on an admirable performance against the highly esteemed Kyle Orton, it still ranks 27th in the league in passing yards allowed. Aaron Rodgers has already shown us that he can handle a pass rush and that he can make plays when it matters. I expect his solid play to continue against Tampa Bay. If the Buccaneers blitz him like they did Orton, he will burn them deep. That’s not a prediction, that’s a fact…

Prediction: Green Bay Packers 31, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 17

Atlanta Falcons (2-1) at Carolina Panthers (2-1)

The King says:

Go easy on Matt Ryan, will you, Julius?

Prediction: Carolina Panthers 23, Atlanta Falcons 10

Benji says:

Before I break down my pick, I feel the need to ask His Majesty why he feels inclined to bring up Julius Peppers in his one sentence analysis of the game. Is this 2005? What has Peppers done in the last two seasons? Anyway, so far Matt Ryan and the Falcons have looked great at home against two terrible teams (the Lions and the Chiefs with Thigpen starting) and really bad on the road against one average team (the Buccaneers). I never know quite what to make of the Panthers, but I consider them to be above average, certainly better than the Buccaneers. Feel free to surprise me Mr. Ryan, but I do not envision you performing very well on the road against the Panthers this Sunday.

Prediction: Carolina Panthers 27, Atlanta Falcons 17

Houston Texans (0-2) at Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)

The King says:

Most oddball rivalry in the game right now. The Jags are better every year than Houston, yet the Texans have won three of the last four meetings-by 20, 3 and 14 points. I couldn't pick the Texans here because I just don't trust Matt Schaub right now. Kyle Shanahan's first big decision as offensive coordinator might come Monday, when he may have to walk into Gary Kubiak's office and say: "We gotta play Sage.'' Rosenfels, he means. The backup.

Prediction: Jacksonville Jaguars 23, Houston Texans 12

Benji says:

I definitely agree with you on the Houston quarterback situation, Your Majesty. Sage Rosenfels should be the starter, and he will be, sooner rather than later. Just for the record, Sage was the quarterback for Houston’s 42-28 win in their final week match-up with the Jaguars last season. To be fair, Houston also picked up 14 of those points via kickoff returns by Andre Davis. Anyway, the King and I are in agreement that Houston’s passing game is terrible right now with Schaub at the helm. This game should be a breeze for the Jaguars—what a relief after their tough win over the Colts last week.

Prediction: Jacksonville Jaguars 28, Houston Texans 17

San Diego Chargers (1-2) at Oakland Raiders (1-2)

The King says:

Before the game, Al Davis walks over to the Black Hole, goes eenie-meenie-miney-mo, points to the guy with the studded dog collar painted silver and says: "You wanna coach today?''

Prediction: San Diego Chargers 30, Oakland Raiders 10

Benji says:

I have been quite impressed with the Raiders’ running game so far this year, but their passing game has been abysmal. And if you cannot put up points through the air and you are playing the Chargers, you are in trouble. It will take a lot of points to outscore Philip Rivers and co.

Prediction: San Diego Chargers 31, Oakland Raiders 17

Buffalo Bills (3-0) at St. Louis Rams (0-3)

The King says:

Would anyone have guessed the Bills would be a road favorite by more than a touchdown in this decade? Something about this game doesn't smell right to me. Ram GM Billy Devaney said the other day the team is putting every ounce of energy into winning this one game, and Trent Green will play more decisively than Marc Bulger was, if both of their recent history is any indication. Just a hunch the Rams have a big Sunday in 'em.

Prediction: St. Louis Rams 23, Buffalo Bills 13

Benji says:

I feel as though I need to come clean here. I, like His Majesty, was tempted to pick the Rams to upset the Bills here. My justification for such a pick was as follows: The Bills have been involved in three close games and are not a dominant team; the Rams are 0-3 and desperate for a win; Trent Green gives St. Louis more mobility at the quarterback position and will be better able to escape the pass rush than Marc Bulger. Brian, however, stepped in and straightened me out. Here are his comments in regard to Trent Green and the concussions that he has sustained over the last few years: “Yeah, I just don’t trust scrambled eggs as a quarterback. Like, go look in your fridge, find an egg, and drop it on the ground. Now look at it. Would you want that to lead you against an NFL team?” Enough said.

Prediction: Buffalo Bills 24, St. Louis Rams 12

Washington Redskins (2-1) at Dallas Cowboys (3-0)

The King says:

"This game scares me,'' says Sirius NFL radio producer Dave Lagreca, the biggest Cowboy fan on planet earth, wringing his hands as he sweated. He should be worried. Santana Moss plays big in Cowboy games, and Marion Barber's had his trouble running against the Washington Monuments: Last year, he rushed 21 times for 37 yards in their two meetings, including a memorable six times for minus-six in the season-ender.

Prediction: Dallas Cowboys 23, Washington Redskins 16

Benji says:

His Majesty does bring up a good point here—the Redskins do seem to have Marion Barber’s number. What Barber has now, though, that he did not have last year, is a change-of-pace back in Felix Jones that can fly like the wind. The Cowboys’ offense is playing too well right now for anyone to shut it down. It is still September, after all.

Prediction: Dallas Cowboys 31, Washington Redskins 24

Philadelphia Eagles (2-1) at Chicago Bears (1-2)

The King says:

I don't like the fact that Philly's two most important players feel like they just got hit by a truck. Looks like Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook will play, but at what percentage of goodness? The Bears are better than 1-2-you can point to about six plays in the Tampa Bay and Carolina losses, and if they make any two of them, they're 3-0-and they'll show up in all their brutishness Sunday night, ready to play a desperate game.

Prediction: Chicago Bears 19, Philadelphia Eagles 17

Benji says:

You know what I don’t like, Your Majesty? I don’t like the fact that the majority of the plays and non-plays that have hindered the Bears from going 3-0 can be traced back to quarterback Kyle Orton. Orton gave the Buccaneers the opportunity to stage a late comeback by essentially giving them 14 free points off of stupid turnovers. I guess I have to give Tampa credit for putting pressure on him, but I do not see how a “game managing” quarterback can be successful if he turns the ball over every time a defender gets in his face. I expect the Eagles’ defense to blitz him whenever possible and I think that this strategy will be quite effective. Oh, and as for McNabb and Westbrook’s injuries? Westbrook has proven for the past two seasons that he can play hurt without any drop-off in performance, and I really do not think that McNabb’s bruised chest is going to bother him nearly as much as His Majesty seems to think it will.

Prediction: Philadelphia Eagles 20, Chicago Bears 13

Baltimore Ravens (2-0) at Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1)

The King says:

Astounding game last Sunday. Never, ever, ever, ever did I think I would see a Steelers team run as many times (six) as sacks surrendered (six) in one half of football. But that happened. What team were we watching? Imagine seeing the Steelers with 24 plays in a half, and running six times. Bizarre. It must change. Absolutely must.

Prediction: Pittsburgh Steelers 16, Baltimore Ravens 13

Benji says:

Your Majesty, I am disturbed by your lack of acknowledgment of the Steelers’ key injuries. While I do not think that Roethlisberger will throw the ball two thirds of the time this week, remember that starting running back Willie Parker will not be playing. If the Ravens had any offensive weapons whatsoever, I would consider picking them to win against this very beat-up Steelers team. Unfortunately for them, they do not have any players that pose any real threat to Pittsburgh’s excellent defense. This will likely be the ugliest Monday Night game of the season…

Prediction: Pittsburgh Steelers 15, Baltimore Ravens 6

While I am willing to temporarily grant Peter King the title of “King,” I must insist that he not overstep the bounds of his football kingdom. In this week’s MMQB, King makes a series of unsubstantiated statements about Major League Baseball, the most egregious being his 2009 solution for the New York Mets’ bullpen problems:

i. I will be shocked if K-Rod is on any team but the Mets next year. How can the Mets not sign him, even if it's for $18 million a year, or some such number? This is the second straight year the bullpen has ruined the Mets' season, and they're moving into a new stadium, charging fans absurd prices for tickets. Those fans won't settle for Brian Fuentes.

Rodriguez, as you are probably well aware, now holds the record for the most saves by a closer in a single season (60 and counting). Many casual baseball fans and media members have taken to calling his 2008 season the greatest ever by a closer. If you look past K-Rod’s one gaudy statistic, however, his numbers this season do not look quite so dominant.

While K-Rod has saved 60 games this season, he has also blown seven save opportunities. By contrast, the Phillies’ Brad Lidge has yet to blow a save this year and the Yankees’ Mariano Rivera has only blown one. No one is paying any attention to Rivera’s phenomenal year (since the Yankees are not a playoff team) and Lidge’s perfect season (a feat only accomplished by the juiced-up Eric Gagne) has received significantly less recognition than K-Rod breaking the saves record. As sexy as the saves record sounds, how meaningful an accomplishment is it, really? Rodriguez’s team, the Angels, has been involved in an inordinate amount of close games, providing him with, by far, the most save opportunities in the league (and in baseball history). While he has done a lot with the opportunities presented to him, he has not distinguished himself, in terms of the quality and consistency of his play, from the other top-tier closers in the league. I am unwilling to accept K-Rod’s season as one of the greatest of all-time, because he has only saved 90 percent of his opportunities in a year when two pitchers (Lidge and Rivera) have saved 100 percent and 97 percent of their opportunities, respectively, in a similar number of innings.

That being said, one can hardly dispute King’s claim that Rodriguez would make the Mets’ bullpen better. What I take issue with, however, is his implicit belief (likely fueled by the media-created hype surrounding K-Rod) that Rodriguez, at this stage of his career, is a significantly better pitcher than the Rockies’ Brian Fuentes.

King directly compares K-Rod and Fuentes, so I thought that it would only be fair if I did the same—except I will use actual statistical evidence to back up my claims.

2008 Stats (Through September 21st):

Brian Fuentes

G      GS  CG   IP      H      R    ER    HR    BB    SO

66    0    0    61.2    46    22    19    3    21    80

W    L    SV    HLD    BLSV    WHIP    ERA

1    5    29       6        4       1.09    2.77

Francisco “K-Rod” Rodriguez

G    GS    CG    IP    H      R      ER   HR  BB    SO

73    0    0    65.1  53    21    17    4    34    74

W    L    SV    HLD    BLSV    WHIP    ERA

2    3    60      0         7       1.33     2.34

Fuentes’s numbers this year, other than saves, are quite similar to K-Rod’s. Fuentes has converted 88 percent of his save opportunities, a slightly lower percentage than Rodriguez. The numbers indicate that Fuentes has been a bit more overpowering while maintaining better control of his pitches, striking out six more batters and walking 14 fewer batters than Rodriguez in three fewer innings pitched. Fuentes has allowed significantly fewer baserunners, as evidenced by his 1.09 WHIP (Walks plus hits per inning pitched) as opposed to K-Rod’s alarmingly high 1.33. One can make the case for either pitcher, but it is ignorant of statistical evidence to proclaim K-Rod’s season to be significantly better than Fuentes’s, record book notoriety aside.

One could argue that the difference in age between Rodriguez (28) and Fuentes (32) is a factor in judging the future prospects of both pitchers, but the argument would not last very long. Fuentes has shown no signs of decline, as his numbers improved across the board this year. K-Rod, on the other hand, has seen his strikeout numbers go down and his walk and WHIP numbers go up in each of the last two seasons.

Consider, also, the 2008 salary numbers for both pitchers. According to ESPN.com, Fuentes makes $5 million this season, while Rodriguez makes $10 million, and both pitchers will be free agents at the end of the season. On the open market, sportswriters and league insiders believe that K-Rod could garner as much as $20 million per year for five years. Fuentes, a pitcher with far less hype surrounding him, is likely to cost a pitching-needy team (such as the Mets), at most, $10 million per year. King maintains that the Mets’ fan base “will not settle for Brian Fuentes.” But when presented with a choice between two similar pitchers, does it not make the most sense for management to choose Fuentes, who will cost roughly half as much as K-Rod? King complains about the Mets’ “absurd prices for tickets,” yet opines that they should dole out an absurd amount of money for an overvalued pitcher, rather than explore a less expensive option that would likely provide a similar statistical gain.

The moral of the story, Your Majesty, is that you should stick to picking the winners in NFL match-ups and save the inherently flawed baseball analysis for those who are paid to mass-produce it (i.e. Jon Heyman).

The unthinkable has happened: the doofus out-picked me in Week 2. And not only did he out-pick me, he left me choking on his dust, correctly predicting the outcomes of a whopping 12 out of 15 games as opposed to my lowly eight. As a writer for a blog dedicated to outthinking Peter King, you can imagine how devastated I am by this humiliating turn of events. My only option here is to place myself on probation—and in so doing, force myself to acknowledge King’s picking dominance over me every time that I criticize his analysis. Therefore, until the day when I move back ahead of Peter King in the standings, I am no longer allowed to refer to him as a “doofus” or even by his given name—I am only allowed to address him as “The King” or “His Majesty.” Long live The King!?!

Last Week:

Peter King (12-3)
Benji (8-7)
Brian (9-6)

Overall:

Peter King (20-11)
Benji (17-14)
Brian (18-13)

Kansas City Chiefs (0-2) at Atlanta Falcons (1-1)

The King says:

I'm not sure it's a mark of Matt Ryan's greatness that he'll start his career with a 2-1 record. Nothing against Ryan, but most quarterbacks would like to start their season with the Lions and Chiefs in the first three weeks. On the other side, I said it Monday and I'll say it again: Tyler Thigpen is not ready for prime time. Kansas City's 12th straight loss awaits.

Prediction: Atlanta Falcons 20, Kansas City Chiefs 6

Benji says:

His Majesty and I are in wholehearted agreement on this game. I also am not sure what to make of Matt Ryan and the Falcons, but I know that the Chiefs’ passing game is terrible, and that their third starting quarterback in three weeks, Tyler Thigpen, is the worst of the bunch. Next…

Prediction: Atlanta Falcons 24, Kansas City Chiefs 9

Oakland Raiders (1-1) at Buffalo Bills (2-0)

The King says:

The Bills can afford to overlook no one. Having said that, it must be comforting to know that Team Turmoil is coming to town just as western New York is working into a fever pitch over the 2008 Bills. And I don't want to get Trent Edwards thinking of Honolulu in February yet, but he's doing what a good quarterback needs to do. He's being accurate (71 percent completions), mistake-free (zero picks) and avoiding the rush (three sacks taken).

Prediction: Buffalo Bills 20, Oakland Raiders 13

Benji says:

His Majesty has an infuriating habit of bestowing superfluous praise upon players who have not yet earned it. Yes, Trent Edwards has played very well so far this year—but he’s only played two games!!! The Bills are 2-0 this year, but remember that they have played a team with no effective running backs and an entire receiving corps out with injuries (the Seahawks) and a team without three of its starters on the offensive line (the Jaguars). Will they be 3-0 after playing the Raiders? Almost certainly. But I am not yet convinced that Buffalo is an elite team—its resume is a little lacking at this point. As for the Raiders, they proved last week that they can run the ball but their passing game looked terrible. I cannot envision them putting many points on the board against Buffalo’s defense.

Prediction: Buffalo Bills 20, Oakland Raiders 13

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1) at Chicago Bears (1-1)

The King says:

When I spoke with Jake Delhomme after the Panthers-Bears game Sunday, he talked about the Chicago defense the way a promising young golfer would talk about Tiger Woods: with awe and just a little fear. Not saying Brian Griese will feel the same way Sunday leaving Soldier Field, but I think the Urlachers will leave a couple of nice welts on their old friend.

Prediction: Chicago Bears 16, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 12

Benji says:

Keep in mind that Brian Griese, the current starting quarterback for Tampa Bay, was not able to beat out Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton, two of the worst quarterbacks in the league, for a job in Chicago. Normally I would take into consideration that, because of his time with the Bears, Griese knows the Chicago defense very well. I honestly do not think that Griese is a good enough player to take advantage of his “insider’s knowledge.” He looked okay against the Falcons last week, but their defense is rather mediocre. My guess is that the Bears will run the ball as much as possible, kick some field goals and rely on the defense and special teams to do the rest. This week, at least, I believe that formula will get them a win.

Prediction: Chicago Bears 17, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 9

Houston Texans (0-1) at Tennessee Titans (2-0)

The King says:

Cris Collinsworth watches as much tape as the Hoge/Jaworksi team at NFL Films, and the other day at NBC, he couldn't stop talking about how good and stingy and physically dominating the Tennessee defense has looked in the first two weeks, and also how it looked during the preseason. Take a bow, Jim Schwartz. That's one heck of a unit you've designed.

Prediction: Tennessee Titans 20, Houston Texans 15

Benji says:

As The King states, the Titans’ defense has been “physically dominating” over the first two weeks of the season. I cannot dispute that point. I want to pause for a moment, however, to consider the level of opposition that the Titans have faced. The Jaguars, who were already without their starting center, had both of their starting guards knocked out of the game in Week 1, preventing them from running the ball (which their offense is based upon) with any effectiveness whatsoever. The Bengals are just plain terrible. Enter Houston. The Texans have had success against the Titans in the recent past, losing close games 38-36 and 28-20 last season. Texans’ star wide receiver Andre Johnson caught nine balls for 116 yards in the most recent match-up and I expect him to get free from the secondary again in this game. Many people were on the Texans’ bandwagon before the season but jumped off after Week 1; unlike them, I am unwilling to allow the outcome of one game, against a very good Steelers team, affect my assessment of a solid team that certainly has a chance to win this game.

Prediction: Houston Texans 24, Tennessee Titans 21

Carolina Panthers (2-0) at Minnesota Vikings (0-2)

The King says:

Funny the way football works. A 2-0 team getting its best player (Steve Smith) back from a two-game suspension, going to play an 0-2 team with a gigantic hole at the most important position on the field. And the 0-2 team comes out with its pants on fire, playing for its life. I'm not the first person to say this, but in football, I most often give the pre-game edge to the desperate team, especially if it's playing at home.

Prediction: Minnesota Vikings 30, Carolina Panthers 13

Benji says:

Desperation is a great motivator for a football team, Your Majesty, but as you yourself point out, the Vikings’ biggest weakness is the quarterback position, the single most important position on the field. The switch from Tarvaris Jackson to Gus Frerotte in no way makes Minnesota a better team. Frerotte played nearly half a season’s worth of football last year, and he threw 12 interceptions as opposed to only seven touchdown passes, while completing only 56 percent of his passes. The Vikings should have acquired a quarterback in the off-season, but they did not and now are doomed to have another mediocre season. As for the Panthers, they have willed their way to victory the past two weeks, but their offense will be infinitely better with Steve Smith back in the fold. His ability to get open deep completely alters the way that opposing defenses can play against them. And that Delhomme guy, it turns out he is still pretty good. I bet the Vikings would trade their first round picks for the next three years to land a quarterback like him. Last but not least, the Vikings’ only consistent offensive player, Adrian Peterson, is hampered by a hamstring problem that may keep him out of the game, damaging the Vikings’ chances even further.

Prediction: Carolina Panthers 24, Minnesota Vikings 10

Miami Dolphins (0-2) at New England Patriots (2-0)

The King says:

Who'd have ever thought in Week 3, by the middle of the third quarter, the Pats-Fish would be a Cassel-Henne duel? By the way, do you think it's possible that, before the game, Bill Belichick sidles up to Matt Cassel and says, "We're taking the training wheels off today, kid?'' Not sure those words will be spoken, but I do think you'll see three deep throws to Randy Moss this weekend.

Prediction: New England Patriots 33, Miami Dolphins 7

Benji says:

I guess if Belichick is going to “take the training wheels off” for Cassel, a home game against the Dolphins, one of the worst teams in the league, would be the time to do it. The jury’s still out on Cassel, but the Patriots should not have much trouble with Miami.

Prediction: New England Patriots 28, Miami Dolphins 6

Cincinnati Bengals (0-2) at New York Giants (2-0)

The King says:

All over America come 4 p.m. Sunday, Fantasy Football players with Carson Palmer at quarterback sprint from their NFL Sunday Ticket perches to the internet, scrambling to pick up Gus Frerotte or Jason Campbell ... or -- gulp -- to offer the dimwit in the league Carson Palmer for J.T. O'Sullivan. Straight up.

Prediction: New York Giants 23, Cincinnati Bengals 9

Benji says:

Oh, how I long for the days when Peter King regularly published posts of obvious and slightly inane fantasy football tips. He does have a point here, though. Anyone who drafted Carson Palmer in a fantasy league this season is screwed. They surely wasted a fourth or fifth round draft pick on a guy who has not been the same since his knee surgery and who plays behind an absolutely atrocious offensive line that does not give him time to throw. Oh, you want one of us to actually talk about the real-life game? Fine, the Bengals are awful and the Giants pass rush will eat Palmer alive. I have nothing else to say.

Prediction: New York Giants 28, Cincinnati Bengals 10

Arizona Cardinals (2-0) at Washington Redskins (1-1)

The King says:

Someone explain this to me: How can Kurt Warner be better at 37 than he was at 27, or at 33? You can look it up, by the way. He's playing better in the last 12 months than at any point in his career except for his three Superman years in St. Louis from 1999 to 2001.

Prediction: Arizona Cardinals 34, Washington Redskins 24

Benji says:

Your Majesty, while you are correct to point out that Warner has put up very good numbers as of late, you fail to mention that the Cardinals have played two mediocre teams (the 49ers and Dolphins) to open the season. This game will be Arizona’s first real test, and it will be the first time this year that Warner has faced an actual pass rush. Washington’s defense put a lot of pressure on Drew Brees last week and I expect that it will do the same against Warner. I also think that Jason Campell and the Skins’ offense looked much better in Week 2 and that they will find ways both to attack the shaky Arizona secondary and run the ball effectively, keeping the Cardinals’ offense off of the field. While I do think that the Cardinals are the class of the horrible NFC West, I think that the worst team in the NFC East (The Redskins) is equal to or better than them.

Prediction: Washington Redskins 24, Arizona Cardinals 17

New Orleans Saints (1-1) at Denver Broncos (2-0)

The King says:

Defensive struggle. Don't laugh. If this game follows the script of the first two weeks for these two teams, it could be 50-47.

Prediction: Denver Broncos 30, New Orleans Saints 27

Benji says:

The Broncos, as we all know, should be 1-1 right now. I will refrain from harping too much on the man who made the call that changed the outcome of the game—everyone involved in sports media has made enough of his mistake already and I blame the rulebook more than I do the call that was made. What I took away from last week’s game against the Chargers was that the Denver defense is not capable of making a stop. Jay Cutler and co. are exciting to watch, but this team is going to find itself involved in shootouts almost every week. As a general rule, a team that relies this heavily upon its high-powered offense will both be capable of beating good teams but will also inevitably allow lesser teams to remain in the game and even have a chance of winning. As The King states in his analysis, this game very well could be 50-47. Both the Saints and Broncos have great offenses and no defenses to speak of. At any rate, it should be fun to watch. My money is on the Saints pulling this one out, despite my belief that the Broncos are the better team right now with Colston out, because I think that Denver will inevitably have a little bit of a letdown after its big win against San Diego last week. I also do not see Denver’s overmatched linebackers having much of an answer for New Orleans tight end Jeremy Shockey.

Prediction: New Orleans Saints 38, Denver Broncos 35

Jacksonville Jaguars (0-2) at Indianapolis Colts (1-1)

The King says:

My money's on Jack Del Rio trying to force the run to work better than it has the first two weeks (Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew are averaging a somnambulent 47 yards rushing, combined, per game), and my money's on it working, with Bob Sanders out for a month with the high ankle sprain. By the way, all that's at stake here is Jacksonville's season. Nothing else.

Prediction: Jacksonville Jaguars 20, Indianapolis Colts 19

Benji says:

You are correct to point out the desperation factor here, Mr. King, but I have some serious reservations about the Jaguars, even when they are at the end of their ropes. Del Rio can force the run all he likes, but their offensive line (missing three starters) is simply not creating openings for Taylor and Jones-Drew. With Bob Sanders out, either running back is capable of breaking off a long touchdown run, but only if they can break through the first line of defense, which has not happened in the first two weeks of the season. But if Jacksonville does not win this game, its chances of making the playoffs will be in serious jeopardy. I’ll go with you on this one, Your Majesty, because I do buy into the desperation theory, as long as competent quarterbacks are involved. The Colts were lucky to win last week and their offensive line has been decimated as well.

Prediction: Jacksonville Jaguars 20, Indianapolis Colts 17

Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0) at Philadelphia Eagles (1-1)

The King says:

Love this game. How can you not? After watching the Eagles Monday night, you get the impression that Donovan McNabb's as healthy and energetic and as full of B-12 as he's ever been, so I don't worry about a couple of hard hits from LaMarr Woodley. I think McNabb takes a few shots and comes back strong.

Prediction: Philadelphia Eagles 30, Pittsburgh Steelers 21

Benji says:

I could not agree more, Your Majesty, McNabb looks like he is back and better than ever. I was not as impressed with the Eagles’ revamped defense, however. I believe it will end up being Philadelphia’s downfall, when it’s all said and done. The Eagles can put up points with the best of them, though. Although I like what I have seen out of the Steelers thus far (they hung tough in terrible conditions last Sunday), and I do not think that Roethlisberger’s shoulder hampered his ability to throw last Sunday, I also have yet to see him try to throw a deep ball (the wind took the deep passing game out of play) since the injury to his throwing shoulder occurred. I think that this game could be a wild one, but I favor the Eagles because they are at home and because Roethlisberger’s health is still a question mark.

Prediction: Philadelphia Eagles 27, Pittsburgh Steelers 20

Detroit Lions (0-2) at San Francisco 49ers (1-1)

The King says:

Not sure the Mike Martz Bowl will end with J.T. O'Sullivan and Isaac Bruce carrying the San Francisco offensive coordinator -- one year removed from the Detroit OC job -- off the field on their shoulders post-game, but after watching a good dose of O'Sullivan last week in Seattle, I can tell you he's ready to win in the NFL, and he has Martz to thank for that.

Prediction: San Francisco 49ers 23, Detroit Lions 13

Benji says:

While I think that the 49ers are much improved from last year, they are still not that good. Good enough to beat a severely depleted Seahawks team (which I picked them to do), but not good enough for me to write, with any confidence, that they will beat the Detroit Lions at home by a sizeable margin. I learned my lesson about picking the Lions to win on the road against weak opposition in Week 1, though, so I will go with the safe pick. I could see the Lions, and their superior receiving corps, having the edge in a high scoring game but they are just as likely to put up another dud of a performance on the road.

Prediction: San Francisco 49ers 24, Detroit Lions 21

St. Louis Rams (0-2) at Seattle Seahawks (0-2)

The King says:

Not saying the Seahawks were getting to the bottom of the barrel in their search for wideouts -- no team at any position has been beaten up more in the first two weeks than Seattle's receiver group -- but the next two guys scheduled to come in for workouts on Mike Holmgren's short list were Steve Largent and Brian Blades.

Prediction: Seattle Seahawks 33, St. Louis Rams 9

Benji says:

Why His Majesty insists on repeatedly pointing out the Seahawks’ biggest problem and subsequently disregarding it is beyond me. Seattle’s offense did manage to will a 100-yard rushing game out of the overrated Julius Jones, but its passing game still looks terrible—because all of its receivers are hurt. I cannot justify picking the Rams to win, because they are on the road, their offensive line is terrible and the Seahawks’ talented linebackers will be able to disrupt Bulger, but do not let The King fool you into thinking that this will be a blowout. The score will be close, because as bad as the Rams are, the Seahawks are not much better.

Prediction: Seattle Seahawks 20, St. Louis Rams 17

Cleveland Browns (0-2) at Baltimore Ravens (1-0)

The King says:

OK. I am officially the only one in the national media who still has a shred of belief in the Browns. And it's just a shred. But I can't believe Braylon Edwards will continue to drop balls like this, and I do believe Shaun Rogers is going to be good fit, and disruptive, as time goes on.

Prediction: Cleveland Browns 23, Baltimore Ravens 16

Benji says:

When I turned on ESPN this morning, there was a poll on the screen, with the question “Which of these surprise 0-2 teams will turn things around?” The Browns were one of the teams listed, which I found somewhat amusing. They played the Cowboys and Steelers to open the season, and people are surprised that they are 0-2? Even if this team is a wildcard contender, an 0-2 record to open the season is not especially surprising, at least in my book. What was surprising to me was how sloppy the passing game has looked. I think that Cleveland will rebound and beat the Ravens, because their offense has to play better than it has the past two weeks. I also do not think that Baltimore is very good. The defense is still solid, but the Ravens’ offense is going to struggle all year to score points.

Prediction: Cleveland Browns 20, Baltimore Ravens 13

Dallas Cowboys (2-0) at Green Bay Packers (2-0)

The King says:

You picked a winner, Dick Ebersol. This will be the best Sunday night game of the year. You know how they say Tony Romo can't win the big one? (Funny, considering he's 3-0 at East Rutherford and Philly combined, by an average of 12 points per game) Well, if he opens by winning at Cleveland, at home with Philly and at Green Bay, we experts may have to revise our thinking.

Prediction: Dallas Cowboys 31, Green Bay Packers 30

Benji says:

After two good games against inferior competition, this is Aaron Rodgers’s coming out party. He played well against the Cowboys last year in relief of Favre, but this will be the first game as a starter in which he will face a worthy opponent. I agree with you, Your Majesty, this certainly will be an exciting game. I must digress for a moment, however, to remind you that the reason people say that Romo cannot win the “big one” has nothing to do with games played in the month of September but everything to do with his inability, as of yet, to win a playoff game. As for this game, I think that Rodgers will have his best performance yet. Romo will put up some points, too, but I like the Packers’ defense much more than the Cowboys’ unit, and I think that the Packers will prevail at home. Your Majesty, why do you continue to disrespect Mr. Rodgers? You did not even mention him once in your analysis for this game.

Prediction: Green Bay Packers 31, Dallas Cowboys 24

New York Jets (1-1) at San Diego Chargers (0-2)

The King says:

In the wake of endless Manginius-bashing for running the ball between the tackles three fruitless times inside the Pats' 3 last week (and I mean endless; if you live in greater New York, you have been inundated with this as much as the Wall Street collapse), I bring those Jets fans wondering why the team traded for Brett Favre this stat: Last season, the Jets had a 44-56 run-pass ratio, meaning they ran the ball on 44 percent of their offensive plays. In the first two weeks of this season, with both games played in glorious weather, the Jets have run it 49.5 percent of the time. So with Favre, they're 50-50 run-pass, essentially, and with Chad Pennington and Kellen Clemens over a full season last year, they were 56-44 pass. Let's give this some time to shake out, but the early returns are downright weird. And it's not taking advantage of your best player on offense.

Prediction: San Diego Chargers 29, New York Jets 20

Benji says:

Perhaps, Your Majesty, the Jets will start passing the ball more once your man crush, Brett Favre, learns the rest of the playbook. I guarantee that pass/run ratio will change as the season progresses. I do agree with you, though, that Favre should have been given the chance to pass in that goal line situation. Why did the Jets run on third down after failing to get into the end zone on the first two downs? I am more perplexed, however, by your decision to make your longest paragraph of analysis have the least to do with your pick for that game. What about the Chargers? They are desperate, and playing at home, right? I am assuming that is why you picked them. I like the Chargers, too, but I think they will find themselves in another high scoring game here. Their defense, contrary to my original prediction, looks lost without Merriman. Favre will be able to pick it apart at will. As I said, though, the Chargers are desperate. If they lose here, things would look pretty bleak for them.

Prediction: San Diego Chargers 31, New York Jets 28

Last Week:

Peter King (8-8)
Benji (9-7)
(and for those of you who care) Brian (9-7)

Well, you can chalk up a victory for me in Week One, but it was hardly an impressive win. Note to self: Never pick three teams that were terrible the previous year (the Lions, Bengals and Raiders) to win in Week One (the Bengals and Lions on the road!), just because their opponents are shaky and/or unproven. Really, as fellow Patriots fans, King and I were both losers last week, as Tom Brady went down with a season-ending knee injury. While this injury had very little effect on my postseason predictions (it certainly affected King’s Super Bowl pick though!), it is sad to see arguably the league’s best quarterback stuck on the sidelines for an entire season during the prime of his career. Brady’s injury also denies the rest of the league the opportunity to play against and defeat the Patriots at full-strength, something that any competitive player who was embarrassed by them last year would relish. That being said, King, I implore you to come to grips with life after Brady and remember that there are 31 other teams in the NFL. And please do not use my plea as an excuse to focus all of your attention on the Jets and your other favorite person in the world, Brett Favre.

Anyway, without further ado, the doofus and I are at it again. Game on, Mr. King!

Tennessee Titans (0-0) at Cincinnati Bengals (0-0)

King says:

Pointed words from Marvin Lewis Thursday morning on Sirius NFL Radio, regarding the lousy passing game he saw in the opener ... and he was pointing at the marquee receivers, not the marquee quarterback. "They are two very proud guys who know they didn't help us in the opener,'' Lewis said of Chad Whatever His Name Is This Week and T.J. Houshmandzadeh.

Prediction: Tennessee Titans 20, Cincinnati Bengals 13

Benji says:

King, I believe that both you and Coach Lewis are missing the point here. Neither the marquee quarterback nor the marquee receivers CAN help the team win without more consistent play from the offensive line.