On 27 August at 8:00 (exactly) Amelia Elizabeth Myburgh was born via caesarian section; weighing 3.495kg and 50cm long.

Just born - ok, so she's cleaned up a bit and wrapped in a towel ;-) The actual birth pic is a bit graphic.

Henk got to bring her to me so that we can officially meet face to face. (doesn't matter what the husband looks like, as soon as they put on theatre scrubs they look like doctors, lol )

Back in mommy's hospital room. Getting acquainted for first feed.

I downloaded an Edgeworth sim, as well as a mod that allows you to have an unlimited amount of family members in your sim family,

and my Edgeworth sim won't show up.

Now he can never has my 3,458 children, who will eventually all starve and die :<

WHYYYY?!

On my 37^th week, my OB’s colleague, Dr. Dimatulac (my own OB, Dr. Alegado is 5 months pregnant and was in bed rest mode) told me that I was still 0 cm dilated. So I still went back to work hoping to finish the rest of August.

I was exactly in my 38^th week on August 23 when I visited my OB for my weekly checkup. My OB was still on bed rest so again, Dr. Dimatulac did the routine IE. I was still 0 cm dilated but she felt a gush of liquid come out. She double-checked and told Manuel and I that my bag was leaking and that I had to be admitted pronto. This was around 1 pm. From our birthing class, I knew I had 12 hours leeway. So I asked the doc if I can still go home and to get our stuff for the hospital. She agreed as long as we got back by 5 pm.

Manuel and I made the final preparations at my parents’ place and called up our parents to tell them of the news. Thinking it’ll be a long wait before I give birth, we told them not to bother going to the hospital. My parents were in Quezon province while Manuel’s were in Valenzuela.

By 4 pm, Manuel and I left for St. Paul of the Cross Parish to offer prayers. By 4:30 pm, we were in Robinsons Supermarket to buy some stuff we’d need at the hospital plus some food. By 5 pm, we were filling out papers at the Admitting Section of the Marikina Valley Medical Center. And at 5:30 pm, I was in the Emergency Room getting prepped up for labor. I was brought to the labor room before 6 pm. My two OBs were already waiting for me. Manuel left me a book, The Taking by Dean Koontz, thinking we have a long night ahead. Unfortunately, Manuel couldn’t stay with me the whole time as per hospital rules but the good doctors allowed him in a couple of times.

As I waited, Jona, the labor nurse attended to me. She gave me enema. Haha. Dr. Dimatulac insisted since she didn’t want me giving birth to “twins”. LOL. So there, after my enema, I had to undergo urinalysis. There was some infection. My WBC was way high and attaching the fetal monitor on me only increased my doctors concern. My baby’s fetal heart rate kept fluctuating from 150 to 120 to 160 to 180 then down again to 60. Inspite of that, I felt calm in the hands of my two doctors. Before the fluctuations, they gave me something to induce my contractions but despite their efforts, I couldn’t feel any contraction. The monitor read that my contraction was at 100% but I still couldn’t feel any pain, as in nothing! And worse, my baby’s heart rate was greatly affected. The doctors stopped inducing contraction and just monitored my baby’s heart rate. By 8:30 pm, they called Manuel back in and told him that I have to undergo emergency caesarian section. Manuel asked me if I was okay with the decision. But really, there was nothing we could do. We didn’t want to risk our baby’s safety.

And so, by 8:45 pm, I was wheeled into the Delivery Room with Manuel. He couldn’t stay but he made sure I was perfectly alright in the DR. Dr. Alegado’s husband who is also my anesthesiologist, brought Manuel’s camera along to the delivery room ready to be the photographer for the night. I even joked around and told him he should increase his fees as anesthesiologist slash photographer. Hehe.

He gave me something to make me feel calm (but I was actually very calm at this point I don’t know why but maybe it was because I have 2 OBs and felt I was in good hands) and gave me spinal anesthesia. I curled up into a ball which was a bit uncomfortable because of my big tummy but otherwise, I was okay. Then they strapped me to the table in a crucifix position. My right arm was already hooked up to the dextrose while my left arm was strapped to monitor my blood pressure every so often. I was a bit groggy but I was fully aware that they were cutting me open. I think I fell asleep a bit and woke up when my 2 OBs were right on my ribs pushing my baby out. I thought they’d break my ribs. My anes saw that I was awake and gave me blow by blow account of what's happening.  But again, I lost consciousness then awoke to a very loud cry from my baby. Baby out at 9:18 pm. He cried like a banshee that hubby said that they could hear his cry in the waiting/nursery section. Dr. Dimatulac told me, “in fairness ha, ang cute ng baby mo!”. Dr. Alegado told me, “mapapaanak ako sa pagpapaanak sa yo!” They brought my baby to me and I was able to touch him for a bit plus a photo op.

By 10:30 pm, I was all stiched up and brought to the Recovery Room. I felt groggy but I couldn’t really sleep. So every now and then, I’d test if I could feel my legs already. The RR nurse kept checking on me every 30 minutes or so to find out if I could lift my legs already. Before 2 am, they rolled me out of the Recovery Room and into my room 4011.

Waiting for me were my Manuel, Mama Nhery and Tita Susan. I couldn’t speak because of the operation and was asked not to speak unless the doctor says so. I slept fitfully all through the night and only fell into slumber around 4 am only to be awakened by nurses. I was real tired but still deep sleep wouldn’t come.

There goes my birthing story. I still wish that I had normal delivery but for my baby’s sake and mine, CS was the way to go. Hehe. Yun lang talaga, I didn’t feel any pain except from stitches. It was quite a letdown that I didn’t get to do any pushing and didn’t feel any significant contraction. Alien ata ako.

And as to why my baby’s heart rate kept fluctuating… when my OBs opened me up, I had very little water. I seemed to be leaking for days and I just didn’t notice. According to Dr. Alegado, I might have had high leak, wherein the upper portion of the uterus was leaking and so, the leak was not as much as the usual for pregnant women. So there, when they cut me open, my placenta was right ‘neath the cut and Sam was in oblique position. They had to do an inverted T on me because they couldn’t reach my baby. So major OUCH talaga.

I was going to room in my baby so I could breastfeed exclusively but the pain from my cut was really painful and I just couldn’t move around. I spent one whole day in my room trying to lie on my side and sit up. The very next day, I mustered enough strength to stand up and walk around so I could visit my baby and breastfeed. But still no milk. I only expressed milk two days after I got back home so that’s 5 days after I gave birth. We’re still mix feeding right now. Hopefully I could exclusively breastfeed soon.

As I write this, we’re on day 4 in the life of Sam and we’re pretty much doing okay.  Photos are here and at my brother's site:  http://maynman.multiply.com.

In this environment we are again denied public input.  That is why mothers, daughters, nieces, friends, we must continue to affect public opinion through the legislative sessions and, hopefully, a court who will base its decision on precedent and case law, not bias.  The nation was riveted to the case of a 16-year old boy fighting for the right to choose his own cancer care but considers a woman's right to give birth in a setting proven safer than a setting where interventions are routine "controversial."

Support your right to give birth where you feel you are physically, mentally and emotionally safe for our own health and for that of our soon to be born babies.  That right includes the option to give birth in a hospital.  Supporting the right for full access in order to make your own choice means allowing for both medically managed and whole health birth.

The proponents for hospital birth are pushing to restrict your federally protected right (as noted in the article referenced above) to choose your health care by persuading the public that homebirth is dangerous.  They are protecting their industry by striking your achilles heel: the safety of your baby.

Even if you don't understand homebirth right now you can understand the right to educate yourself and make your own choice.  

Please tell the courts the Medical Examining Board is biased in their action and please help us remind them it has already been decided in the state of Connecticut that midwifery is not the practice of medicine.  Tell the MEB to stop their witch hunt.

Please support the right of birthing families to make educated choices about the births of their children.
*September 17, 2008 @ 2:00 PM*
* New Britain Superior Court*
* 20 Franklin Square*
* New Britain, CT 06501*

Our months of waiting have paid off: ELLIE IS BORN!!!Gracias a Dios! Born healthy and whole on Friday, September 5, 2008.

After arriving at the hospital yesterday AM, it was confirmed that she was still in the breech position, as her head was still up. So we went through with the c-section, and I, for one, was impressed with the speed and efficiency of the surgery. After being prepped, they started on J at 10:28, and Ellie emerged over the curtain at 10:34--a mere 6 minutes later!

I followed her as she was checked out on the table, and I was discovering what our little girl looks like. The answer: very, very cute. She's got 10 fingers, 10 toes, a nice set of lungs, and a face that I can't stop staring at. At this point, I have no idea what features have been passed on to her from her parents, but it looks like she's got some red hair. And because she arrived via c-section, she was able to avoid the forceps marks and conehead that her papa endured when he entered the world (I was pleased to learn recently that those forceps marks have long since faded, but my head is still a bit mis-shaped). Thankfully our daughter's head looks fabulous.

So Ellie weighed in at 7 pounds 15 oz, and she's 21 inches long. Both mom and daughter are doing great, but J is clearly worn out. Neither of us really slept much the night before the birth, and I imagine the transition into our new sleep rhythm will be bumpy. We're in a private room here at the hospital for the next few days, so that probably will help somewhat, although last night it felt as if someone was entering the room every hour or 90 minutes. Maybe that's practice for getting up in the middle of the night on a regular basis?  And, yes, I'm a team player, so I will try to do just about everything besides breastfeed her. I've even changed a few diapers, so I can check that off of my "things to learn" list.

So, here are some long-awaited photos of Ellison Ruth Whitfield. If a popular magazine wants to purchase them for a cool $1M, we will listen, as that could pay for college someday. More photos should be up soon.

This first one is showing how important the decision to have a blog was to me. I had been reading others for so long and wished for my own. It was just difficult to actually start for me because I couldn't figure out where to start. I don't even remember how I started this one. Well, here she is!

Birth

I have birthed a blog.

Like childbirth, it has been a long process carefully concealed and nurtured inside my head till it decided it was time to make a go at the world. Some women stop off at the hospital, yell a couple of times for good measure and then oh look, it's a girl/boy. Other women leave the hospital with a story that they will constantly guilt their children about, "Ya know, you could be a little nicer to me. I spent 47 hours in labor with you and and all I ask is that you give me a little of your time and some respect." and so on. Mine has been the latter.

I looked at others with their blogs in an admiring envy. I cooed over the gorgeous ones, even patted the heads of the "ya gotta see the baby" ones. I've read articles and advice on how to raise a good one. I envisioned myself as a proud mother and all the other parents would come and visit and coo over my baby. I would lay in bed at night and think about what it would be like when I finally had one. Would I be a good mother? Can I provide enough time and attention to my little one? Oh wouldn't this look cute on my blog!

Finally I told my husband it was time. He calmly looks up from his fishing pole he had been working on and says, "Okay.". How can he be so calm? Is he really thinking of just running off to the river at a time like this? Well of course he is. He doesn't realize that he will be one of the starring victims, I mean, characters of my new baby and what he doesn't know won't hurt him. I can do this alone anyways, lots of other women do just fine that way.

My daughter, eleven years old and affectionately referred to as an amazon by one of her uncles, thinks it will be cool and has already offered to share a million ideas on how to make it great. I knew she would be willing to help when I decided to do this. I also had to let her know that the new baby would require some extra care at first, that sometimes momma will need to give attention to the new baby and that doesn't mean I don't love her any less and she says "Mom, it's just a blog, I'll be okay.". I could tear up thinking about how independent she has become. Sniffles aside, she doesn't know that I will probably at one point share her baby pictures with the world. At least the ones of her in the bathtub with the shampoo mohawk. She is so cute!

I'm sure the cat and dog will be fine with the whole thing too. I exposed them slowly to other blogs to gauge their reaction and all I got were yawns and the same ol' demands for dinner. I'm confident there will be no jealous nipping out of them.

After all my worries and fears, here is my baby, naked and vulnerable. Open to all the over-mothering I tend to inflict on young ones. I'm prepared for boo-boos and ready with kisses to make it all better. I'm sure I have thought about everything and have all the necessary items to.....oh crap, I forgot to give it a name.

No need for anxiety, I have one thought that can get rid of that and keep me confident.....

at least my mother will read this.

all these storms make me feel like a pair of these may be a good idea!

What do you think?  Pretty sweet huh?  Living in Florida during hurricane season can be a bit nerve wracking, so a little humor helps.

Speaking of storms... that reminds me! My friend Tracey's a new aunt! Her sister & brother-in-law, Kristen & Shane, live on Hilton Head Island and had their first baby during Hanna. Welcome to the world on September 5th Taylor Marie and CONGRATULATIONS Kristen & Shane :)

(photo sent to me by Tracey Crowder, taken by family)

That is one of the GREATEST feelings in the world right there!

On a serious note about this storm season, lets keep in our thoughts and prayers all of the people whose loved ones have lost their lives and the thousands who haven't eaten due to Gustav & Hanna.  Haiti has been hit particularly hard.

Have a nice weekend!

PS~ Inspired by the High Tide Heels, I checked out the funpic site, and found some great photos of the World's Largest Mosaic created with photos submitted by the public on August 23rd, 2008 .  It's huge... you'll be amazed. Way Cool!

The images on funpic are in a different language, but there are some really great shots! The images speak for themselves. If you want to see them click here.  I also found an article about it at allvoices.com in English.

This is Ina May Gaskin, midwifery guru.  She talks about labor and birth in a story-telling manner.  She is the author of Spiritual Midwifery and Ina May's Guide to Birth.  The second is more easily palatable.

  My first child (Nemo) I planned to birth at home, but due to mild PIH I transferred my care to a hospital-based CNM from my CPM/DEM team. Everything worked out great though, so even the CNM said I could plan a home birth the next time around.

  So after an uneventful and healthy pregnancy, I gave birth to my second child (Daphney) at home with the same midwife team, nine days after my due date.

  The story actually started two weeks before when I began having regular contractions, ranging from 5-20 minutes apart. I would have period breaks, but these mild, unpainful contractions continued until the day of Daphney's birth. By the time I went into active labor I had tried every natural induction method in the book (after waiting until I was 41 weeks) and had dilated to 4cm.

  Around 3:45pm on the 21st, dh called his mom to pray that the baby come soon because I am now 9 days overdue, 4cm dilated, and nothing seems to be "pushing me over the edge". Within 15 minutes I started having contractions very close together that I had to breath through.

  We went for a short walk to encourage the process and by the time I got back I was being pulled to the ground during contractions. I called the midwife (who lived 1.5 hours away) and she left immediately. My mom came over, and she and Glen began preparing the tub, birth supplies, and taking care of Nemo.

  By 5pm when I called the midwife, I could tell this baby was going to come a lot faster than Nemo (approx. 12 hours) because of the frequency and intensity of the contractions, and pelvic pressure I was feeling. I went from hands-and-knees to resting on my side, and stayed that way until 6:45pm when the midwives got there because I knew that if I got up the baby would come before they arrived.

  Nemo was great, he played with his toys, and my mom showed him how to sing the "here comes the baby song" with me (moaning) so that I didn't make him nervous.

  DH was trying to warm the birth tub with pots of boiling water, but it never warmed up enough for me to get in. Oh well.

  When the midwives arrived, I was 8cm dilated. My primary midwife recommended I get into a semi-sitting position with dh behind me, but that I go pee first. I thought it would hurt worse to sit on the toilet, but actually it made my hips feel a lot better. So I leaned on the diaper pail (actually a covered trash can) while sitting on the toilet and within a few minutes I was completely dilated!

  And of course, once you start pushing, it is very hard to move, so I stayed in the bathroom and delivered Daphney over the toilet! The primary midwife caught her while my mom supported my weight. DH videotaped while holding Nemo and the second midwife assisted the first.

  It was amazing! Not having Nubain and having more sleep made so much of a difference. I was alert, felt like I had more energy (although I didn't look it), and though it was painful and nearly overwhelming, giving in to that experience and finally having my home birth, and a girl ontop of that, made it such a wonderful and beautiful experience!

  I cannot imagine giving birth any other way ... though I might rather give birth outside of the bathroom next time ;0)

  There are so many details I could add, which I did write in my personal journal, but this basically sums it up.

  I highly recommend home birth to all healthy women, but make sure you do your research on your care providers and back up plan first!

Yes yes oh yes! Friday the 5th of September. My birthday. So I got some clothes and then I got the present I have been waiting for ... for months!

My Sony Handycam. Best camcorder ever. Kinda. I am still getting to grips with it and how to use it. But I shall give it a go tomorrow with my mates if I can actually be bothered to take it into town. Anyway it's late. My birthdays almost over soooo Im gonna get some sleep soon.

15ness feels good so far :)

On September 4, at 10.07 pm, we had a baby boy. 3560 grams. 51 centimeters. 10 fingers. 10 toes.

I am so happy I am crying.

I'll be back with more as soon as I'm able to wrap my head around this...

AWESSSSSSSSSSOME! I put off reading this book for a long time because I thought it was more mechanics, nature, etc. OMG it's not. Well, the first chapter is mechanics and how we differ from other animals but the rest is how human birth has been handled and mishandled across time and cultures by human peoples. There's a whole chapter on tools and fads! TOOLS!!! With pictures! This is not the kind of book that favors any particular way of going about it, like books that favor midwives over obstetricians, etc. This one merely lays down, der, the history of childbirth management, although she does of course mention what worked and what didn't.

Also it's funny and has pictures throughout, which is pretty much the best way to organize a history book ever, if you can afford it. Everybody read it!

This Open Letter to Sarah Palin by Lynn Paltrow of the National Advocates for Pregnant Women was a refreshing bit of logic in the last few weeks of fury around this Republican VP candidate.

Your last pregnancy, the one that has become the topic of widespread discussion and speculation provides an important opportunity to demonstrate how this could be true.

According to press reports your water broke while you were giving a keynote speech in Texas at the Republican Governors' Energy Conference. You did not immediately go to the hospital -- instead you gave your speech and then waited at least 11 hours to get to a hospital. You evaluated the risks, made a choice, and were able to carry on your life without state interference. Texas Governor Rick Perry worried about your pregnancy but didn't stop you from speaking or take you into custody to protect the rights of the fetus.

After Ayesha Madyun's water broke, she went to the hospital where she hoped and planned to have a vaginal birth. When she didn't give birth in a time-frame comfortable to her doctors, they argued that she should have a C-section. The doctors asserted that the fetus faced a 50-75 percent chance of infection if not delivered surgically. (Risks of infection are believed by some health care providers to increase with each hour after a woman's water has broken and she hasn't delivered).

The court, believing like you that fetuses have a right to life, said, "[a]ll that stood between the Madyun fetus and its independent existence, separate from its mother, was put simply, a doctor's scalpel." With that, the court granted the order and the scalpel sliced through Ms. Madyun's flesh, the muscles of her abdominal wall, and her uterus. The core principle justifying an end to legal abortion in the U.S. provided the same grounds used to deprive this pregnant and laboring woman of her rights to due process, bodily integrity, and physical liberty. When the procedure was done, there was no evidence of infection.

According to the press reports, instead of going straight to a hospital you chose to get on a long airplane flight back to Alaska.

Paltrow goes on to make the important connection between anti-choice fetus rights activism and women's ability to control how, when and by what means they give birth. Paltrow, as usual, is right on. Read the rest of the letter here.

Health Care for All Colorado

Doctors Orders: Health Coverage for Everyone

Fairness for Working Parents

Belly Bliss (if you're in Colorado, and can afford it, it looks pretty cool)

The Birth Survey  (TAKE IT!)

The AMA (American Medical Association) and ACOG (American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology) have proposed Resolution 204 and 205 which would ensure physician control over midwifery as well as restrict a woman's right to birth at home.  This is the response of American College of Nurse Midwives (ACNM).

Now she is a walking disaster waiting to happen. She screams the second she doesn't get her way (her big brother is quite scared of her, I think he suspects she's a banshee), she pulls down eveything, destroys anything that resembles a structure of Lego. She flirts shamelessly whenever she thinks it could get her into someone's lap (not a good sign of things to come. Heh.)

And I love her with every fibre of my body.

Happy birthday, my daughter!

Regardless of where I'm birthing or who will be helping me, I still need a reliable method of getting from beginning to end without a total mental breakdown.  I will say that having gone through one birth so recently that it is still fresh in my mind is acting as a sort of motivator.  Anyone who hasn't given birth (and maybe even some people who have) wouldn't think that being able to vividly recall another birth would be a sense of motivation or calm, but it is.  Birth - the actual process whereby I brought my daughter into the world - was not difficult or 'painful' at all.  Sure it 'hurt', but it was a good, productive kind of hurt.  It is a different sort of pain than anything else you can experience - it has an element of utility behind it that motivates you to work WITH the pain, instead of against it.  At least it did for me.  When I was pushing my daughter out, all I could think was 'it hurts! that means she's almost here!  I need to push more!'

And it is because I can so vividly remember thinking that that I know this time I'll be even more prepared to let my body do it's thing.  And so, in answer to my friend, I will be using a sort of mindfulness meditation to help me through labour.  It is a combination of ideas culled from various different birthing courses and coping techniques, combined with my own ideas about childbirth and healing.  Unlike so many coping devices, I have no intention of escaping from the pain.  To me, it is a strong motivating force.  Trying to ignore it is counter productive.  I strongly believe that it was my decision to focus on and work with this pain that made my daughters birth go from zero to ten in a matter of minutes.

I also plan to use herbs and traditional practices to strengthen my labour.  I already drink a daily infusion of red raspberry leaves to help tone and strengthen my uterus.  Once I get closer to the day of delivery I will also start taking evening primrose to help prepare my body, and when I'm in active labour plan to take blue and black cohosh to help move the contractions along.  I believe strongly in the abilities of herbal medicine, and see no reason why THIS time I should submit myself or my babe to anything else.

So, that's my plan everyone.  I have no preconceptions about what the labour will be like (I think my biggest downfall last time), but I do have strong opinions about the 'right' and 'wrong' ways to move forward with it.  And now, I'm off to hang upside down in an attempt to dislodge my son from my tailbone and to encourage him to flip around.

What was scary about the conversation though was that she said "The absolute hardest to treat are bipolar I women who want to breastfeed." She went on to describe how many/most of her bipolar patients have some level of post-partum psychosis and most end up back on drugs very quickly. She also said that for almost all of her patients, she has their pregnancies treated as high risk because of the association between birth trauma and schizophrenia (of course, a "high risk" label often leads to increased medical intervention at birth which leads to greater risk of c-section, which carries a higher risk of hypoxia, which is what has been linked to schizophrenia, but I digress). She also arranges for these women not to be left alone for over a month after birth, by encouraging paternity leave and arranging state supported doula care (she doesn't practice in the US, so things like state supported doula care exist).

When she was describing this my blood went cold and I was filled with so many conflicting thoughts. On the one hand I was thinking, crap, I've been doing so well, but what if I actually am bipolar and I end up getting psychotic after birth (should I manage to get pregnant and all the way to the birth, I know I'm jumping ahead here). Maybe I'm fine now, but a birth will push me over the edge, only now I'll be labeled as someone who is non-compliant since I won't have informed any of those reponsible for my prenatal care about my "history."

On the other hand, I was feeling confirmed in my gut instinct to stay as far away from the hospital as possible, both in terms of trying to get pregnant and for prenatal and birth care, and to take care not to go to a hospital that has access to my medication/lab or mental health records. If my pregnancy and birth (assuming I even get pregnant) get labeled "high-risk" you'd better believe my chance of a risky c-section goes through the roof. It hadn't occurred to me that a doctor could use my mental health history to insist on more interventions at birth, but of course it makes perfect sense. In both birth and mental health care, medicine is about power as much as it is about health care. A diagnosis always gives the doctors the upper hand. I had only thought to worry about nurses and doctors being overly solicitous after the birth, offering me meds and psych consults before my feet hit the floor since I'd be "at risk" for post-partum depression. I hadn't even managed to worry yet about the impact on the birth itself.

But some of what this doctor was saying made wonderful sense for anyone. NO woman should be alone with in a house with a baby mere days after giving birth, but most are. Dads and partners should be supported in taking generous parental leave, both to support their spouses, and to bond with their own child. State supported doula care would have felt like a gift from heaven when our daughter was born, and certainly would have helped many families we know through some very rocky first months as parents. So much of what should constitute good "mental health" care, is just caring for people through difficult times, and it was refreshing to hear a doctor acknowledge this.

Should I be lucky enough to actually pull off getting pregnant, a lot of what I'll be dealing with in interactions with the medical world will be dramatically colored by my past interactions with psychiatry. I'll have trouble deciding what and how much to tell my midwife. I'll wonder whether I'm lying or whether I'm protecting myself and our child. I may be so fearful of transferring to a hospital during the birth, that I won't be able to get down to the business of birthing (we planned a home birth for our daughter, but did end up transferring to the hospital, which is a whole separate story. It was the right decision, both to labor at home, and to transfer when we did). Some of my fears will be founded, and some won't.

For all of the differences between the sexes (which are numerous and necessary, I think) and for all of the little antagonisms that are part of a marriage, so much of what divides us can be bridged by our children. Watching Mr. Shosh interact with our new daughter, Neshama, has been a beautiful thing. I've seen different parts of his character emerge with all of the challenges and joys that this new person brings. I feel as though I have a pretty good idea of how Mr. Shosh was raised, both from what he has told me and what I can gather from his behaviors, strengths and weaknesses. However, I think our children break us in such a way that tiny new pieces emerge from within the deepest parts of us. And these pieces are very raw and represent who we were in the beginning--before we were ever hurt or angry or afraid. Before we ever had to raise walls and swords to shield and arm ourselves for the fight of life. Us when we were mushy blobs of pure potential.

These pieces that have emerged from Mr. Shosh are truly something to love. It feels as though I'm loving a different man, in a way. And it reminds me that I'll never know everything about him, or about anyone for that matter. In certain ways, he's more attuned to little Neshama than I am. And of course he feels that torment where he can't bear to see her in pain. Even gas pain is such an injustice.  And I think we both feel such an overwhelming urge to promise her that we'll never let her fall. But we wouldn't be able to keep that promise and if we tried, we'd just stop her from growing. Yet it seems like such a consolation prize to only be able to say to our child; "We'll do our best to give you the tools you need to pick yourself back up in life. Because you will fall. And we can't do a thing about it."

Somehow Neshama was born with all of her little parts in the right places. And she drinks my milk and gets fat. And she smiles and burps. And I can hold her close to me now and resist so much of the outside world. And she'll let me do it, because she doesn't know (nor is she capable of) any other way. But viewed in terms of her entire life span, it's just a blink of time during which I can kid myself into thinking I can protect her. And it's torture, a little bit, to know this.

yann's 3rd daughter was born on 08-08-08. chinese believes that a daughter born on this date will bring the parents wealth as they say the number '8' itself represents wealth. is this true? well, we'll have to wait and see...

while amnah's first child was born on Malaysia's National Independence Day, 31-08-08. when i last met her, i told amnah since she's due somewhere last week of August, why not hold it in til 31st! hahah... as if it is that easy! i wouldn't know cuz i don't have any experience... ;P

but, what a coincident, aye?

i haven't had the chance to visit them yet. yann lives way in sepang and i do not know the way to amnah's place. "excuses! excuses!", i can imagine yann saying that to me when i finally get to visit her!

yeah... yeah... maybe after puasa... at least the babies will look less-shriveled-up and cuter then! hahahha...

well, that's on births... now, deaths...

it was early this week that a good colleague of mine lost her father. i did hear that he wasn't in his best condition these past few years... she's still in ipoh now. will meet her once she's back in office.

even weeks before that there has been several other obituaries sent out bankwide on death of staff's family... this is a normal practice here. when there's death in the staff's family, HR will email everyone. In case, the other staff would want to go visit.

and only this morning, my immediate supervisor received news of his father-in-law's accident. sounded real bad. he took leave from work today until friday next week to go back to the kampung. hope it's not that bad... my prayers go to his entire family...

So I'm celebrating the site's birth today. Even though it was really yesterday. And the first real "cool" video isn't until tomorrow.

I am having an elective Caesarian Section (so named because Julius Caesar was (supposedly) cut out of his momma, so they named the operation after him, even though people had been doing it for centuries before his birth) at 38 1/2 weeks. Normally doctors do elective c-section at 39 weeks these days, to give the baby as much baking time as possible, but I am due on 01/01/09. If you count back a week from that you get Christmas day (I could have the new Christ! woo!) and no doctor is willing to go into surgery, especially for public patients, unless it's absolutely necessary on Christmas, so I get to go back a few days extra. Somewhere between the 17th and 22nd of December. Hopefully the 18th.

I tend to get mixed reactions when I tell people I'm planning to have a c-section. My mum thinks I'm silly not to try for a natural birth because 'it's really not that bad'. I think I am a big pain wuss and bring on every drug and preferably knock me out. I've also had people look at me strangely when I say I'm having a c-section and planning on breastfeeding, as if the two are mutually exclusive. Obviously if you care enough about the welfare of your child to breastfeed, you'll want to have a natural birth.

I'd like to point out that it's because I care for my child that I'm having an elective c-section. Kaidin came very close to dying because he didn't fit through my pelvis and no one actually noticed this until a few hours after they broke my waters. This baby is already big for her age (Did you know she is approx. 35cm long from head to toe now? Where does it all fit??) and would have no chance of fitting through my teeny little bones any time after about 34 weeks. Rather than waiting until she is overcooked, being induced and then having to rush to surgery, I think it will be a lot easier just to go straight to surgery.

I'd love to have one of those birth stories that says "I kept the room dark and warm, held my husbands hand, pushed twice while baby number one mopped my brow, didn't scream at all and got up to cook a four course meal two hours afterward", but it's never going to happen. I'm quite happy with the idea of not having to deal with blood and guts and icky white and blackish green stuff. On my birth plan my number one priority is that they wash the baby before trying to hand her to me. Kaidin nearly got dropped on his head when I realised he was still covered in gunk. Birth is messy. I'm also happy with the idea of only having to spend an hour tops in surgery to get bub out, instead of possible days in labour. All in all, c-section is definately the right choice for me and I'm very glad it's available.

Now to see me at 23 weeks. I have no idea what the scratches are from, either Gemi getting me back for clipping him or just me being clumsy I guess. Oh and for those of you wondering how my style mission is going, this is about as good as it gets. I actually have makeup on today!

Shoes - ancient snakeskin leather pumps from Sportsgirl
Top - borrowed from a friend - not maternity, just size 12
Pants - Maternity dress pants from Pumpkin Patch
Makeup - Mary Kay mineral foundation, Cover girl blush, Rimmel Glam Eyes mascara, Covergirl eyeshadow, Rimmel Exaggerate eyeliner, Chapstick in vanilla

[Insert frantic baby kicking here]

Shit, I lost my top lip again. I really need to properly clean my mirror, instead of just dusting it down with a towel. I did take a heap of photos in just my bra yesterday, but quickly realised that my back rolls are hideous. Here I just look loverly and round. Up another bra size this week (to 10E) when will it end?? I have bras I only got to wear twice and now don't fit into.

When I gave birth to my daughter, as hard as it is for me to admit this, I didn't fully believe that my body was capable. I have been raised in a society that highly values doctors and alopathic medicine, and the 'passive patient' model of care. But, the birth of my daughter really helped me to understand that this is such a backwards way of thinking about healing, particularly healing during pregnancy. The book 'Ina May's Guide to Childbirth' really drove the point home for me, when Ina May, a self trained midwife, talking about all of the births she attended in her early years, before any real training, says that birth cannot be seen as something that needs to be treated, as most doctors see it. In fact, if it wasn't a normal, natural process, how could she, a lay person, have helped so many women safely bring their children into the world? Doctors see birth as a medical emergency which needs immediate management. Obviously, as Ina May so deftly points out, this cannot be the case. No other event which is so highly medically managed can also be so easily UNmanaged. Women can birth their babies at home, by themselves, just as successfully as any doctor in a hospital, nearly every time.

So, there in lies my source of conflict. We are a part of a society that places such value on our ready access to medical care when we need it. But, I'm am starting to see, so very often that that supposed 'care' is the source of the problems in the first place. And, while I know that there are some issues which really are best handled by doctors (i.e. REAL medical emergencies caused by problems with a birth), I really do remain unconvinced that the ideal I was striving for with my daughter is not the best option. If anything, the experience that we had during my daughter's birth has strengthened my conviction that a hands-off approach to birth is the best and safest way. And so, while I had such a difficult time in coping with our highly medicalized birth last time, I just simply cannot prepare myself for the same eventuality this time. It is so far outside my understanding of what is 'right', that i just cannot conceptualize having to go through that again.

But does the surgery and the immediate postpartum have to be the way it currently is? Read this post (with lots of great links -- read those too!) and find out about alternatives when you have your baby by surgical birth.

Most of the time -- in fact, almost exclusively -- when women have C-sections, there is a screen put up which blocks the view of their stomachs. (If you're squeamish, you may prefer this.) While sometimes the screen is taken down, or the baby is held above the screen, so the moms can see the babies immediately, sometimes this doesn't happen, and the mom doesn't even get to see the baby for several minutes -- and usually when she does get to see the baby immediately, it's just for the briefest of moments. The screen is up for purposes of sterility, but some doctors are challenging the need for this. (Just follow the link.)

Usually, the cord is clamped and cut immediately, and the baby is taken away for newborn exams or oxygen. Since many babies born by C-section have problems breathing (possibly because they do not get some stimulation from coming through the birth canal, possibly something inherent in the surgery like the numbing agents or extra fluid), this might make sense... but those things could be brought to the baby instead of the baby being taken to the table. Also, some doctors (scroll down to read the comment by David Hutchon) are questioning the interference with normal physiology by the immediate clamping of the cord, instead of waiting for the cord to naturally stop pulsing and seal off, especially in cases where the baby's oxygen supply might be low, or breathing has not yet started. What sense does it make to completely stop whatever oxygen is going to the baby (which, you must remember, is keeping the baby alive in the uterus) prior to another source of oxygen (breathing) being established? Even if the placental supply is low or failing (for instance, in cases of fetal distress), as long as some oxygen is going to the baby, that's better than none.

What I realised was that caesareans were done a certain way because they've always been done a certain way, but in fact they can be done differently - and in a way that parents love," says Fisk. Other doctors are sometimes shocked when they hear what he is doing. "They say, but surely you have to get the baby out fast so she can get oxygen straight away? And I say, when the baby is being born she's still attached to the umbilical cord and is still getting oxygen from the placenta. Caesarean birth can be gentle, just as vaginal birth can be gentle.

Obstetricians are too hung up on getting from the point of incision to the birth of the baby as quickly as possible: that's been the benchmark of a skilled surgeon. But I'm challenging that because, from the baby's and from the parents' point of view, it's not very helpful.