It's all about lesbians isn't it!!! I feel so homo now. haha.

Anyhoos, today I went to the Law Library in school to get some books for my Global Law research paper. Wait, I gotta set the scene and cast first.

Location: Law Library, with students seated everywhere at desks, only sound heard was the clicking of keyboards.

Cast:

Me: Unmanageable short hair that's growing out, A's white t-shirt with skinny blue horizontal stripes, jeans, Asics sneakers.

Girl who looks like a boy (I don't want to label but for convenience's sake, let's say the Butch): Rod Stewart's Hairstyle bleached in light brown, navy blue shirt, baggy jeans, sneakers.

The Butch's Girlfriend (for convenience let's call her the Femme): Ceramic-permed long hair bleached light brown, frilly pink top, white mini-skirt, pink kitten heels.

So I was standing on top of those footstool thingies you find in the library, trying to reach for a big fat version of some Competition Law book, when I heard whispering and giggling, somewhere near the region of my left foot (they weren't very tall). I glanced sideways and down, and I saw the Butch and the Femme, about three metres away browsing through books.

I got off the stool and continued looking for books. While doing so, I couldn't help but overhear their conversation in mandarin.

Butch: I swear she's a butch, or maybe an andro.
Femme: No, I think she's a femme.
Butch: Her hair is kinda short, and she's wearing boy's clothes.
Femme: No, her jeans are too tight.
Butch: Shane from L-word also wore tight jeans.
Femme: You are right... but her hair a bit too long to be butch?
Butch: Shane also had longish short hair, and it was permed.
Femme: True... but her boobs are too big.
Butch: Could be andro, and she might not like to bind her breasts.
Femme: Tee-hee... you go ask her... go ask her if she's a butch or a femme.
Butch: Don't want. Maybe she's straight.
Femme: She doesn't look straight. Straight girls won't wear boy's clothes.
Butch: But you are not straight either, and sometimes you wear my clothes.
Femme: I'm not a lesbian anyway, I just like you. And those are your pajamas I wear, I won't wear your going-out clothes.

And their conversation continued along those lines. I felt so sorry for them because they started to bicker...and it was all because of me. I feel kinda honored though. I also felt very tempted to clarify everything for them, that I was a femme... and sometimes, I'm not? And besides, it makes me feel happy wearing A's clothes.

But I was really scared of the Butch's mullet and her one-eye. Hantu can also appear in the day you know.

Why must label? WHY WHY WHY??? Save labels for consumer goods can?! I am justified in trying to label them for trying to label me...

First thing: Asian Hairstyle

I was watching this Youtube video on "Tomboys", and according to the person who posted it online, they are "the best of the best tomboys online".

After watching the clip, I could not help but note that almost ALL of them had the same sort of hairstyle. WHY!?! What happened to diversity? I remember every girl that I dated had a different hairstyle, and even when they had short hair, it was all different! And I can see this Clone Syndrome everywhere, even amongst the young Australian dykes here. That hairstyle! On one it's cool, on two, it's kinda cute, on three or more, it's like some strange hallucination you get while tripping on acid.

Another place where you can see this hairstyle on almost all the young (or think they are still young) butches/ andros/ whatever they feel like labelling themselves, is in Play. Or whenever a girl party is held at Zouk. A always has this look of horror on her face when we try to avoid being blinded by one of these dangerous haircuts. And it's quite scary, especially during the Hungry Ghost Festival. You see all these one-eyed creatures prancing around (yeah, apparently most of these Asian Hairstyles cover one eye with bangs, and the other eye is left to peer out mysteriously).

I couldn't help but leave a comment behind, on how similar everyone's hairstyle was. I wanted to talk about individualism and diversity... but I think the person who posted was around 14? or 16? (can't really remember), and I didn't think I would want to continue a discussion, especially when she replied to me that they are all similar because it is an Asian Hairstyle, which is not an answer in my opinion. I want to know why they all have the same hairstyle and you just tell me the style of the hair... which is not helpful at all. I did some research, and there are asian girls who call this the Asian Mullet. Then this thing on my head must be an Asian Bush. Or Asian Bird's Nest. But... but I'm Asian, my hair was cut by an Asian man, and he didn't even refer to any western fashion rags (so no western influence)... so this should be an Asian Hairstyle as well. Then hair on an Indian lady (you know the long plait) is an Indian Hairstyle??

I don't mean to be sarcastic... but have some individuality people. Personally, I like my girlfriends to have their own sense of style. Not don't know what Asian Hairstyle, Asian Mullet.

THE TRUTH IS:

My dear babydykes-in-the-making/ or tomboys who might be straight...

That's not an ASIAN HAIRSTYLE. It's the same hair this dude had from back in the 80s:

You guys have a ROD STEWART Hairstyle.

Picture taken from here.

A bit insulting because even David Bowie in real life changed his hairstyle a million times.

Come on la people... wake up your ideas already... it's not a fucking ASIAN Hairstyle. Take it from this old lady born in the early 80s... your so-called Asian Hairstyle / Mullet is a bastardisation of the original hairstyles done in the late 70s to 80s. Next time you walk into a hairdressing salon, tell them you want a Rod Stewart Cut, you see, you will get the same thing.

Thank god I'm not dating someone with one eye, or a raggedy haircut.

Please give me 3 words to describe your band.
Distortion, delay and deranged.

Which song would you like a Kenelis-virgin to listen to first and why?
Give her the gun,  it's my favourite album track and we're giving it for free until our second single is released at xmas!!   It's a song that you can picture a story to, a very real story with an ambiguous ending... It's angry but melancholic. Confident but vulnerable.

Who writes the songs and what's the process?
Musically we write together, we'll jam something and build on the stuff that sounds really good. Then the mood of the song, coupled with what's on my mind at the time will create the lyrics.  Sometimes we'll scrap a song if it isn't going anywhere but save the special bits for other songs.

What does "Give Her The Gun" mean to you?
GHTG represents empowerment and imprisonment. It's like when you see something happening or someone being treated like shit, but you can't always say anything so you keep it all inside then just fucking let out! It's about not being able to express yourself or how you feel, because you're scared.

Tell us about the new single, "Drained"?
Drained is one of those tracks that sounds really good LOUD when you're driving. It's kinda soothing and inspired by stress. You know when your face feels like it's going to explode and you feel completely fucked at the end of a shit day? It's the musical equivalent to a good painkiller. It has a warm wintery vibe to it, which is why we are releasing it at xmas. For the no.1 in fact! In the UK last year some random who no-one cares about anymore won a TV show singing competition and they always take the xmas no.1 because it's watched by the same people that are brainwashed by the mainstream radio. We're releasing it as a protest almost. It only took that guy 275,000 copies sold in a week to get it. We have 1000 fans on our mailing list so if everyone of those bought it and passed it on to 50 who passed it onto 8 people, we'd nail it!

Referring to another quote, "intense, angsty wall of noise," - where's the angst from? What's the motivation behind your music?
I was a very angsty teen which was all about me of course, but now angst comes from frustration, and just being aware of shit. People in life can really take the piss. We get to let that all out through music, which is great. Like think about when you get really fucked off about something, how good would it be to just yell until your voice runs out!? That's what I get to do, it's great!

Where did the names for Kenelis and your label (Black Grass Records) come from?
A Kenelis is a flower that survives in harsh weather conditions. It's spelt differently but I wanted it to be our own. We didn't want a band name that pigeon-holed us, cos our music is diverse. We have our own sound but our songs are very individual.  Black Grass was the name of one of our old songs.

It has to be asked - what's it like being the only queer in a band of 5 members?
Well we're all on the same team right?! Except I'm having the best sex! I don't like us being referred to as 'Female fronted' because most girls sing songs about boys, and I sing songs about girls, so it's better. There's not that many female artists I related to when I was a teenager (except Skin of course) so I had to write my own songs and really love the idea of other lesbians relating to it too. The boys are great, we get along so well, I'm not a girly girl. Sam my drummer who sings backing vocals has a higher voice than me!

If you wrote yourself a personal ad for a lesbian dating site, what would it say?
Wanna fuck a rock star? Haha, I dunno I always have so much to say but hate giving too much away.

Please tell us about the guys in the band?
They are the nicest guys I know. They are really fucking talented. I love them like family, the brothers that I got to choose.

Do you regard yourselves as a particularly English band?
I've never really thought about it to be honest. I'm told I sound very English when I sing and we are English so that's quite English I guess!

Was it a conscious decision to come out as a queer performer?
I am gay. I'm proud of my sexuality and it's girls that have inspired my songs so it wasn't really a decision it's just who I am.

Do you get any negative reactions to it?
The only negative reactions I've had is from guys who think I'm going to fuck their girlfriend. I had a fight once with a guy in a club who started gay-hating on me cos his girlfriend was flirting with me. I was very drunk. She ended coming back to mine. I dropped her back to his in the morning! In regards to the band, no, not yet. If it happens, so what really I've never really been one to care about what other people think, unless it's nice things. If they got homophobic then they would ending looking like a dick anyway.

Before Kenelis, how did you come out?
I just started sleeping with girls and told people.

What do you think about queer celebrities who stay in the closet?
I think they should get out!

Would you describe yourself as femme?
Futch. Femme Butch! I guess I have the girly hair, but that's about it. I'm alternative if anything.

What's your fan-base like?
We're lucky to have a really loyal fan-base. It's taken a while to get where we are very aware that fans are what makes bands. It's why I love giving away the free track. We need people to buy our records but at the same time, everyone should have something for free!

Again, gotta ask - do you get hot lesbian groupies flinging you underwear and/or writing you heartfelt poetry and so on?
Ha, no is that what South African girls do?! Book me a flight! If a fan wrote me heartfelt poetry while wearing underwear on her head, I would be well impressed.

If so, how does your girlfriend cope with it?
She encourages lesbian groupies. She's a very supportive band girlfriend. No-one whores me as good as her!

What would you like hot lesbian groupies to throw at you?
Lollipops and doobies.

You guys seem to be great at viral marketing; I was reading about your street team in your forum. How's it working?
Oh that forum is old. We're updating our site at the moment. We're lucky that people wanna help us get exposure cos we don't have big marketing budgets.

You are, like much of the world these days, active on Facebook - do you think it's changed networking and communication? What do you like and dislike about that kind of social networking?
I don't dislike it I think it's great. We used to only have a home phone to talk to each other. Then mobiles and texts and now we can chat to each other for free and everyone gets to know how everyones doing.

Do you get a buzz out of pimping your own stuff or do you wish someone else would do it for you?
As a band, you have to pimp yourself. It;s very rewarding to have someone that you don't know check you out and come back and say, yeah I dig that. My girlfriend does that most, she gets on a right mission and she's very good! The label takes up a lot of the time. It's that side of it I sometimes wish someone else would do for me, but everyone involved chips in so when the albums out it's going to be an amazing feeling to know we did that, all of it.

What is your ultimate dream/passion?
Taking Kenelis all the way.

What does the future hold for you and for your band?
The future is exciting. We're releasing this album in January (26th on iTunes) and it's a great album. We're writing the second album at the moment and we're just getting better and better. We've done so much to get this far and now we get to really whore ourselves, the album is going to be out there and I can't fucking wait!

Words copyright Ulla Kelly 2008 / Images copyright Kenelis

Mel + Kenelis online: website / myspace / facebook

I hear this in person, too. And I see femmes giggle over it nervously but hold back because they still want to be seen as attractive and demure creatures. This makes my heart fucking hurt. Badly.

Don't forget to call it out when you see it. That's not all we are. We are not here just for dates. Please don't abandon your politics or strength for dates. Please don't exist in the world for dates. We do not exist to wipe their asses, either. Especially butches, who like to refer to their own parts as being "strong" and ours being "soft." Wipe your own asses.

xoxo.

I looked at her and thought she was joking, but of course she wasn't .  My skin even crawled at the notion.  But alas, I was making a big deal out of nothing.  So I accepted her gift and went on my way.  I just reminded her the shorts would be even more groovy if she sewed up the front hole.

So by wearing the boxers, does that mean I have to add a swagger to my walk and start shopping at the Home Depot?

Just wondering.

Since the criteria was "mainstream media" I didn't list some awesome warrior performers most widely known in women's and LGBT circles like Ferron and Phranc.

To bring it full circle, here's Phranc, singing her famous song "Martina". Enjoy!

**********************

I love shopping for gifts during holiday season! Bright, sparkly lights on the streets, jolly decorations on the porches, jingle bells on the radio...they make me giddy with excitement.

And every Christmas, I usually have presents for my dogs as well. I don't wrap it nicely though since they won't appreciate that. But I still give them the satisfaction of ripping the wrapper apart without me scolding them for the mess. They're like innocent little kids this way. And exactly like kids, their toys normally last just 1-2 days. They just wouldn't stop till they finish it! Even if you dangle their leash in front of them (it usually makes them stop whatever they're doing and dash to the gate), they still would not budge at all.

But Butch is getting older now (9 years old) so I can't give him chew toys anymore since it will crush his teeth now. Although he still loves it, I feel bad seeing his tooth chip whenever he crunches on one so I stopped giving bones to him quite awhile back. I don't know what to get him this Christmas! I should start browsing online now so I can get a headstart.

Bree, mad Egyptian cutie, was on Miss Rap Supreme on Vh1 back around May. Now as I remember, her flow was cool, but she got eliminated because she didn't remember parts of her verses. I have no idea if the episodes are still up on Vh1.com...but the show was pretty good, no not the crap "reality tv" drama aspect. Half of the cast was lez (Bree included) or bi...and OUT...and the lack of homophobia, unlike on Ms. Tila Tequila's show, was refreshing. I think one of my favorite episodes is where they performed at a gay bar. They ripped it and it was hilarious.

I really hope this is can be a new era in that female artists (from any genre) can be OUT. The artists on Miss Rap Supreme hid nothing. At the same time, it was simply one aspect of who they were as a whole. They were out, but they didn't let that define them. We need more of that.

I'mma be real and say that my deeper interest all of a sudden has to do with Studs/Butches/tomboi-sh women being well represented amongst female emcees. There I said it. The genre is a source of eye candy. Which is not to say that I don't appreciate the music, you can be cute as hell, but a weak flow is a weak flow. And lets not get all, "But what about Lil Kim, et al.?" I love them too...they just don't press certain buttons with me, if you know what I mean.

This sounds really shallow, but I liken it to my looking for a replacement for all the boy bands I lusted and crazed after in high school (in middle school you couldn't tell me that Lil Fizz from B2K and me were not getting married one day!).

For those hiphop heads who thought I was about to write some profound musings on the state of women in hiphop...here's a recent 'Where are the women in hip-hop' post.

and NOT get called a lez, no questions asked.
The aesthetic has changed, and thus if you don't go along with the new aesthetic, you're queer (pun intended). Of course in Da Brat's case, despite being so far in the closet I don't see how she finds her way out every morning, the lezzy-ness in obvious no matter what she wears.
Da Brat, if I had to begin naming, was one my favorite female hiphop artists. I could spend hours listening to her old stuff and watching the vids on youtube. She was also the first female rapper to go platinum in 2000. Which is sad though...Hiphop has been around for almost 30 years now, and it took until 8 years ago?
My other fav, Lauryn Hill, also broke a record in the industry, by being named the first Black female artist to get album of the year at the Grammys (1999). It's funny because I didn't pay attention to her when she was out...I as too far gone with the new emergence of rap from artists in Houston and New Orleans. Currently the likely hood of her coming out with a new album seems slim, at best. Darn it. I'm always late.

I knew I was kinky at 15.
I knew I was queer at 17.
I knew I was femme at 19.
I knew I was stone at 20.

In addition to learning about my sexuality, I am continuously loving learning about stone butches, studs, touch-me-nots. I've found them beautifully self-described in books, butch-femme.com forums, and poems. I am in awe of, respect, and get very wet from thoughts of the magical creatures that are stone butches. ::purrr:: Over the past few months I have really begun to understand them more. I love them, but before there were aspects that I didn't grasp really well. I needed to hear/read that they get horny and crave sex (crazy I know). I needed to hear that they get physical orgasms, mental orgasms, crazy ecstatic highs from pleasuring their partner's. I'm mean how freakin' sexy is a person who's sexuality is nearly completely about giving pleasure! Now I'm not trying to pitch stone butches to those who aren't stone...the compatibility isn't there.
Much like I am stone femme, and

have ZERO desire to penetrate a female, go down on her (no likey pussy eating), or anything of that nature...even when I fantasize it never comes up. The idea for the most part either sounded "OK" or I had to talk myself into liking the idea...

I get off on being the center of sexual attention and pleasing my partner is various ways:

"...moans, writhes, gasps, and screams; she grabs, and rakes her nails along her partner's arms, shoulder blades, and back; she grinds her pelvis, wraps her legs around her partner's neck and waist. She gives blowjobs, long slow lap dances, breaks out sexy lingerie, and whispers dirty stories she's made up..."

...And she loves it. To butches who are not stone, and even femmes to whom it wouldn't even concern, I'd be selfish. I'd be hogging all the pleasure. I'd be shamed and told I'm a hold out from the 1950s era butch-femme days. I'd not be a *Real and True* lesbian, of the Sapphic Sisterhood™. I'm a straight girl holding out for a man with a butch. All because they can't understand how I express my sexuality. They try to break* and crack* and coerce* my beloved stone butches because they are not who others want them to be. I mean if we're not all alike their must be something wrong going on. They're holding out from being previously traumatized in childhood. They're trying to control you. They're being sexist assholes for not letting YOU cross THEIR boundaries. I've heard so many stories from stones who have been made to feel guilty or ashamed about how they feel, how they desire. Submitting to sex in ways they didn't want because they were told what they wanted wasn't healthy. Told by some idiot who thought it would be cute to "prove" their prowess and "break" them...it's disgusting.

OK, so I was really moved by this poem today, ahem:

Billie by Laurie Hoskin

stone for all those years
and the touching came easy,
easier even than breathing.
stone for all her life
and cool like marble, rough
edged and veined and off limits
to fingers wanting to dance
across her surface. the pleasure
was in giving, in lying
above a woman and
hearing that woman call
her name, loud and long.
the pleasure was in taking
care and taking time
and exploring soft, wet places
at the end of a long
day. the pleasure was
in being stone, tight
and solid and sure
of her place in the world.
so stone, so handsome,
that even all these
years later I keep
the memory of her mouth
against me, taking care.

"Yes, EVE is pertly streamlined. EVE’s eyes literally sparkle and dance. EVE giggles, for heaven’s sake. EVE is kick-ass strong and powerful. EVE is performing Femme. WALL•E is rugged and protective and shy and loyal. WALL•E is a sensitive little thing, held together by sheer will and rubber bands. WALL•E is performing Butch."

Die Geschichte um WALL-E und EVE ist definitv die entzückendste Butch/Femme-Liebesgeschichte, die ich je gesehen habe.

Und das (fast) ohne Worte. Möglicherweise bin ich deswegen selbst gerade etwas wortlos. Außerdem bin ich auch schwer verliebt in einen kleinen, rostigen, romantischen und verdammt sturköpfigen Roboter, der in seinem LKW voll Schrottschätzen abends "Hello Dolly" auf Video (ja, auf Video) anschaut und auf eine massive Dosis abwehrende Femme-Feuerkraft verknallt mit dem Bau einer Femme-Statue reagiert.

Aber welche Femme kann schon auf Dauer diesem Blick widerstehen?

Ganz zu schweigen von Liebesbekundungen wie dieser (auch wenn femme sie erst im Nachhinein mitbekommt):

Und EVE? Eine wunderbare Femme-Identifikationsfigur. Sie ist stark (stark genug, um WALL-E auf Händen zu tragen), schnell, schick und mit beeindruckender Zerstörungskraft ebenso wie mit bemerkenswerter Lebenserhaltungsfähigkeit ausgestattet. Außerdem denkt sie gar nicht daran, ihre eigentliche Auf-ga-be in diesem Universum wegen einer Butch (und sei sie noch so entzückend) in den Wind zu schießen. Aber da die Butch ja so verknallt und sturköpfig ist, kriegen wir trotzdem ein Happy-End.

Und auch wenn ich das nicht illustrieren kann,* so sei doch gesagt, dass dieses Happy-End inmitten einer durchaus queeren Gemeinschaft stattfindet.

Was lernt femme daraus? Dass Kate Bornstein zu Recht eine ihrer persönlichen Heldinnen ist, und dass die Butch zu Recht unbedingt in diesen Film wollte. Das einzige, was wirklich schade ist, ist dass man diesen Film nicht besser zitieren kann.

P.S. WALL-E/EVE-Butch/Femme-Fan-Art gibt es auch schon (von hier):

EDIT: * = Kann ich doch (Danke an die Butch für den Tipp):

Please be aware that while not pornographic, this post is graphic in nature.

I AM a survivor!

These words mean so much to so many. To be able to say them, to have fought the battle and won, gives life a new meaning. Those of us who have survived breast cancer live life, for the most part, as we never did before. Oh sure, some survivors lived life to the fullest before, but some of us, like myself, went through life doing the mundane things and not much more.

Carpe Dium, seize the day ... how true. I live each day like it will be my last. A dear friend, one who taught me more than anyone has in my life introduced me to a song. Every time I hear it, it makes me smile. But not only that, it makes me think. The whole song is beautiful but one part in particular is poignant to me. I'd like to share.

And if I should die tomorrow
I'd go down with a smile on my face
I thank God I've ever known you
I fall down on my knees
For all the love we've made

If I were to die tomorrow, I would do so with less than a few regrets. I won't go into those here, that's for another post.

I am involved in a virtual world known as Second Life. Within that virtual world, I am involved in a small capacity with the American Cancer Society (ACS). I've taken part in breast cancer education programs, walked in the Relay of Life of Second Life, made dear friends and lost them ... victims to this beastly disease, made speeches telling others about what I went through and organized a BIG PINK event in October 2007.

I don't know why one person wins their battle and another loses it. But I do know that everything happens for a reason. I know that we are all on this planet for a reason too and that when we have completed our task here, it is our time to pass over. I'm not sure what my reason or purpose is, I doubt if any of us ever know for sure but I do know that I prayed, begged and pleaded to win my battle and I did.

I believe that by telling my story, by making people aware, I am serving a purpose. If I can save one life, make one person aware, then I will be happy but not fulfilled. We MUST find a cure. The following is an excerpt from a speech I gave, perhaps it will touch you in some way. Perhaps after reading this you will make a phone call, donate time or money towards helping the research for the cure.

"I had a choice, I could sit back and let this vicious disease that knows no bounds regarding age or gender take control of my life until it consumed me completely, or I could stand toe to toe with it, stare it in the eye and tell it where to go. I chose to do the latter. I wanted to see my son happy, to hold my first grandchild, to spend time with the woman I loved enough to leave my life as I knew it behind and move to a place I had never been to before.

I'm one of the lucky ones. I bargained for my life and won. I got to hold not only my first grandchild but my second, third and fourth. I got to see my son, finally happy to some extent and I got to spend the last four years of my wife's life, with her. For that, I will be eternally thankful.

My wife never got to hear the "all clear" given to me. But I fight on, to repay the debt I incurred by bargaining. I fight on by trying to make women AND men aware of this tragic killer that if caught early enough, can be treated.

If through my survival, through my standing here and speaking to you all today, through my fund raising in the name of breast cancer awareness and research ... I can save one life ... by making someone aware of regular self examinations, of regular mammograms ... then I have repaid my debt in full. But even then, I will continue to battle, wearing my scars like a medal won in a war, for life ... mine and everyone elses.

My name is A*** D*** and I'm a survivor.

Thank you."

I have decided to include information about self-exams. This information was provided by the ACS. Please take the time to examine yourself regularly. If you have a partner, get them involved.

Self Exam

Step 1: Begin by looking at your breasts in the mirror with your shoulders straight and your arms on your hips.
Here's what you should look for:
· breasts that are their usual size, shape, and color
· breasts that are evenly shaped without visible distortion or swelling
If you see any of the following changes, bring them to your doctor's attention:

· dimpling, puckering, or bulging of the skin
· a nipple that has changed position or an inverted nipple (pushed inward instead of sticking out)
· redness, soreness, rash, or swelling

Step 2: Now, raise your arms and look for the same changes.

Step 3: While you're at the mirror, gently squeeze each nipple between your finger and thumb and check for nipple discharge (this could be a milky or yellow fluid or blood).

Step 4: Next, feel your breasts while lying down, using your right hand to feel your left breast and then your left hand to feel your right breast. Use a firm, smooth touch with the first few fingers of your hand, keeping the fingers flat and together.

Cover the entire breast from top to bottom, side to side—from your collarbone to the top of your abdomen, and from your armpit to your cleavage.

Follow a pattern to be sure that you cover the whole breast. You can begin at the nipple, moving in larger and larger circles until you reach the outer edge of the breast. You can also move your fingers up and down vertically, in rows, as if you were mowing a lawn. Be sure to feel all the breast tissue: just beneath your skin with a soft touch and down deeper with a firmer touch. Begin examining each area with a very soft touch, and then increase pressure so that you can feel the deeper tissue, down to your ribcage.

Step 5: Finally, feel your breasts while you are standing or sitting. Many women find that the easiest way to feel their breasts is when their skin is wet and slippery, so they like to do this step in the shower. Cover your entire breast, using the same hand movements described in Step 4.

Please don't think that it can't happen to you or to someone you love. IT CAN !

I apologize now to those of you who may find these pictures horrible or frightening or sickening. It is what myself and others live with every second, every day and every year ... for the rest of our lives. But ...we ARE alive !!!

And because I can look at DRASS all day.

Sylvester

Enjoy, and post your two-liners below, I so love deciphering them.
Last week Marcy sent me a terrific one, "Don't Panic" from Coldplay.

Your partner calls you up and is sobbing on the phone. You can't make out what you are being told so you naturally try and calm her. Finally, amidst gulped breaths, snorts and sniffs, you hear the word that everyone dreads hearing ... cancer.

Many of us would say something like ... it will be ok ... or, don't worry, I'm right here for you. At that time, we really mean it, but what about 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years down the road. Will it still be ok? Will we still be right there for them?

I was the one on the end of the phone sobbing. I was the one that heard those words. Not once, but over and over again during a period of just over three months. But when it boiled down to it. That wasn't the way it turned out at all.

As those of you who have read through my blog know, I'm a breast cancer survivor. When I was diagnosed, I had been in a long term relationship for ... let me think ... 22 and a half years. I had more than a few surgeries during the three months, the last, as you know, being a radical bilateral mastectomy. I never gave a thought to the scars during thie days prior to any of my surgeries. All I wanted was to beat this vicious beast that knows no bounds of age, sex, colour or race. It wasn't until I came home from the hospital that my scars became an issue both to my partner and myself.

I would wake up with the cold sweats, I had recurring nightmares, I was convinced it was all a bad dream and that I would wake up and the scars would be gone and my body would be complete and whole again. To make matters far more worse and in actual fact, played a huge part in my growing to hate my scars was that from the day I came home, my partner refused to look at or touch them. They weren't discussed, though I wanted to and almost assuredly needed to, as part of the mental healing process.

Our physical interactions ceased. Maybe a few kisses on the cheek, but nothing more. It hurt me more than anything in my life had ever hurt me and ended up causing me problems for almost seven years.

My partner passed away, probably never realizing how I felt, though I know many times I tried to sit down and talk about it. To say that they didn't hurt (a bit of a lie since I had extensive nerve damage and still to this day get the occaisional "zap of electricity"), that I was still the same person even though my body looked different. I really felt like instead of running away from my scars, that getting to know them was more important because through them and my undying will to live, I had survived.

It was about 7 years later that someone other than a doctor, nurse or myself actually touched them. Not only touched them but looked at them, traced round them, recognized them for what they were and said the words that she had said many times before, without having seen them ... "it doesn't matter". I remember it like it was yesterday. The sound of her soft voice, the tender touch of her fingertips, the look on her face and it still brings tears to my eyes.

Until that day, I had not had any sexual interactions with anyone. Until that day, I didn't know what it meant to be accepted, physically for who I was now. This woman, with her ocean blue eyes, broke the spell that had held me captive for so long. Does she love me? Yes, but in her own way. Does she care? Yes, she does. But my partner also loved and cared, she just couldn't face the scars and I'll never know why.

Loving and caring doesn't always bring with it total acceptance. Especially when something changes that is beyond our control. It holds no guarantees, either. When bodies become modified, whether electively or not, more often than not, there are consequences. Its not like cutting your hair, because your hair will grow back. The scars will always be there as a constant reminder of life's little misfortunes, of the people that turned away but also of the tender moments when you meet someone with no insecurities that makes you feel whole again.

DO? Do? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. Maybe I'm going to teach you some manners, you little...! If a friend says, "I'm having another baby!" I've never asked, "And then what? What are you going to do after that? What are you doing with your degree, now? What are you doing for your community? What about your friends? What about your SELF?" They would think me rude.

Interestingly, in Atlanta this weekend, nobody asked the 12 gay and lesbian people of color who were honored what they would do--it's understood: getting to college, staying in college, paying for it yourself, and finding emotional and financial support is PLENTY for queers of color to do. For a start.

Seriously, here's what I'm going to do with my degree, first.

I'm going to sit down for an afternoon, with that sheepskin in my hand, and I'm going laugh and I'm going to cry. I'll laugh at every crappy boss I ever had who got their kicks by putting others down. I'll cry for my dad and my grandparents who never got degrees, and didn't live long enough to see me get mine. I'll laugh because when you're black and female, no matter how much you achieve, it'll never be good enough for some. I'll cry for all my butch ancestors--tears they may not have shed, and I'll thank them for their courage. I'll laugh, because, honey, if my own mother couldn't destroy my self-esteem, the big wide world is never going to manage it.

Mostly, I'll laugh until my sides ache. I'll pump my fist in the air, because I am the kind of woman who does what she sets out to do. I'll call my sister and we'll cheer. I'll call Mary Anne Adams at ZAMI and give her the good news. I'll send one of my book proposals to some publishers. I'll check on my grad school start date. I'll get dressed for my graduation party.

Then my wife and I will get on a plane, go to Brazil, rest and celebrate--because nobody does any of this without the love and support of all of your peeps, and along the way you gather more great people, who you never dreamed would become your family.

Together, we'll eat, and drink, and dance. Later, we'll all go back out into the world and find more dreams to support. That's what we're going to DO. I'm going to just BE-- another amazing individual who pushed until their dream was a reality.

Regizorul Sam Mendes spune: "Cred ca toata lumea cunoaste munca sa incredibila in domeniul proiectelor caritabile si despre modul elegant in care a ales sa treaca de statutul de star de cinema, sa ajunga un slujitor al cauzelor caritabile, al umanitatii".

Fetele lui Paul Newman, Susan si Stephanie, au transmis printr-un comunicat ca: "Paul Newman a jucat roluri de neuitat. Dar cele de care era cel mai mandru nu au fost niciodata facute publice. Sot devotat. Tata iubitor. Bunic adorabil. Filantrop dedicat. Retras, el a reusit sa influenteze vietile multor oameni cu generozitatea sa".

Actorul Arnold Schwarzenegger spune despre Paul Newman ca "A fost un simbol american, un actor stralucit, un om al renasterii si un filantrop generos, dar modest".

"A fost unul dintre cei mai mari actori ai tuturor timpurilor si un om frumos. Cred ca tocmai s-a sfarsit o era", a declarat actorul britanic Daniel Craig.

Sursa:

www.cinemagia.ro

I have always admired newcomers to the scene who break-out with experimental sound. Not only is it more difficult to set a trend without any big reputation, but also interesting to witness a variety of genres crossing the boundaries of music. Buelent Guerler, a.k.a. Butch is one of these artists whose middle name could very well be 'unique'. If you ever wondered what would minimal sound, mixed with neo-trance and techno, simply have a listen to the track posted below. Trust me, you won't be dissapointed. ;)

Butch - Earth (823's Crackpots In The Field Remix)

Here's a question to start the discussion: How do you feel about the way your breasts or chest have been perceived by others, and how much say do you have in the way you're seen?

The above was the question posed on the forums. The following is my response. I have posted it here, verbatum.

Firstly I'd like to say hello to all of you as I'm new to the site.

Now, if I may, I'll respond. *grins*

From what I've read in this thread (and yes, I did read it all), I don't see anyone in the same position that I'm in that has posted here. So maybe this will be enlightening and will also allow me to get this off my chest (pun intended). *smirks*

I have been out since the age of 14, when I first "came out" the word butch wasn't in my vocabulary. That came later when I was old enough (or at least looked old enough) to hang around with the "elders". I was a dyke, a queer, a lesbian, a misfit ... but for once in my life I was happy.

I never had huge breasts but then we've all heard the saying that more than a handfull is a waste. I never was disgusted by them or felt they "got in my way" or made me less butch. In fact, I may be an oddity because of that, I don't know.

Anyway, back in July of 2001 I was diagnosed with breast cancer, told I was in stage 3 and that if something wasn't done and/or there was no success with what was done, I would not see Christmas. To say the least, I was stunned. When I could pick my jaw up off the floor, I walked out of the surgeon's consulting room, out of the hospital and to my car. I don't know how I got there, I was on auto-pilot. I'm not ashamed to say that I sat in my car for something along the lines of 2 hours sobbing like a baby. I wasn't scared, I was absolutely petrified. All I could think about was how was I going to tell my partner, our son and OMG not to mention that our first grandchild was due in September.

Between July 4th, 2001 and October 9th of the same year, I had somewhere in the region of 8 surgeries. The final one was a radical double mastectomy. There is a funny story that goes with that final surgery as well which if I can deviate for a moment I'll tell you ... I'll be short and sweet and to the point.

I woke up back on the ward after my final surgery and was curious as to what things looked like under the covers. Bearing in mind that I was still somewhat groggy and didn't have my glasses on, I lifted the sheets to see that yep, they were most definitely gone but ... what I didn't know was that when I went to theatre for the surgey, because I was there for so long (almost 9 hours total) they fitted a catheter. So the whole ward, patients and staff burst out laughing when I exclaimed ... "HOLY SH*T ... he took my tits and gave me a dick!!!"

Anyway, its taken me a very long time to accept all this, the scars are a constant reminder. For the most part, I'm fine and not as self-conscious of them as I used to be but my emotions still can be triggered and are, from time to time as a dear friend of mine will attest to.

So now I hear you asking yourself why, if I don't have breasts am I bothering to respond here ... well, its like this. If I am asked to ID in a gender-based environment then I ID as female. Butch is my sexuality, my attitude, my personality. So in many ways when it is assumed I am male, it offends me. But then as Miss Robin, I believe said ... breasts are objects that show people we are female, or words to that effect.

I am actively involved in a virtual world game called Second Life. I have a female avatar there, but as in real life, it has no breasts. I am banned from almost every "all-female" area there is within this virtual world. Why?, because I "look" male. Even though there are voice capabilities within Second Life and I am on voice, I am not asked to voice verify. It is just assumed.

So while many of you might have a say in the way you are "seen" and your gender preceived by your breasts, I'm here to state that sometimes it hurts like hell not to have my breasts and to have to fight to hang out with people like myself who love other women.

For any of you that might be interested in finding out more about me, I do have a blog where I place my writings and its listed in my profile. Thanks for reading.

Regards

Hot, hot, hot.

This is one of those images where I think it might look even better as a smaller version -- the thumbnail of it strongly reminded me of BROM's artwork... if BROM specialised in photorealistic b/w portraits, that is. Must be something about the leather straps.

Anyways, the model is Eleanora Bosé, photographed by Max Vadukul, who's mostly famous for doing Rolling Stone cover shoots. I must admit that I was curious and visited his homepage, but nothing in there grabbed me like the photo below did.

I like the androgyny of this. As mentioned above, the material indicates leather, and the sheen on her skin could be sweat. Together with the bleak setting (e.g. the metal bars, the blank floor), the associations aren't model luxury doll fashion, but rather grit strength urban aggression. Her hair is cut short and creates sharp angles that counterbalance the roundness of her buttocks, the flowery (but dark) tattoo simultaneously directs your attention back to the black, angular stripes. And she's turned her back to the viewer, moving away from us: if we want her attention, she's not inviting us, but we must take action ourselves.

My only nitpick is that I wished for some more muscle definition on her arms, I think the lighting (although very pretty) makes them look really skinny. Then again, models aren't exactly chosen for their muscles, so...

This second pic of Bosé was taken from fashionmodeldirectory.com. I included it because, when I searched for pictures of her, I found an article on The L Word Online (a fan site for the TV series), titled The Secret Power of Lesbian Style. Bosé is heterosexual, but apparently her ads for Gucci created a bit of an uproar because of her "biker haircut and masculine way of posing," which was perceived as "a little bit aggressive," and the article calls it "butch-styled". I can't say much to the subject matter aside from the play with gender roles, as I've never been a part of the lesbian community (or any queer community, for that matter), but it's an interesting read. Personally, the first image falls more under "fetish" or the association with strong women for me than "butch".

Originally I was going to write about this older article in which MSNBC and Air America pundit Rachel Maddow talks about surrendering to wearing "lady clothes." But in doing a Google search today on her, I came across another article, "The High Heel Vote," in The Independent on how the US election is is "really all about women." (The connection is the quote at the top, to which I'll get in a moment.)

The Independent claims that what's going on in the US election is a sea change in punditry and politics--recognizing that instead of "chest-beating masculinity", what's taking place is interesting reporting from women, such as Rachel Maddow. Maddow has a "no-nonsense crop" and "minimal make-up", reports The Independent, and yet attains an "extreme fangirldom."

Other women noted in the article include Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Samantha Bee, and of course, Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton. There's quite a lot to talk about, but I wanted to single out one implication: that masculinity is attached to male bodies.

Take, for example, the contrast between Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton in the brilliant SNL clip in the key moment when:
"... both women outlined their take on sexism. "Stop using words that diminish us, like 'beautiful', 'attractive'," said Fey as Palin; "Or 'harpy', 'shrew', 'boner-shrinker'," replied Poehler as Clinton. And in that moment the difference between the public views of the two women was sharply defined. For, where Clinton faced a variety of personal attacks on everything from her personal appearance to her public demeanour, Palin has been celebrated as sex object."

Masculinity is out of place on Clinton (and note, too, that Clinton is read as "masculine" by way of personality traits, not physical/dress characteristics) and there's a sense in which sexism is justified against women taking on inappropriate traits. Palin has caused confusion in liberal men, since her "sexy librarian" style interferes with their rational response to her. I suppose I wonder what would be happening if Clinton looked/acted like Palin and vice versa...

Then there's the fact that while Maddow has "minimal" makeup, as a butch lesbian she still feels like she's putting on "lady clothes" in order to minimize her masculinity. (It couldn't be, could it, that many, even straight female, Maddows fans find her masculinity one of the appealing things about her?) Along with this, the article notes that instead of a "chest-beating masculinity", there is now a "feminist revolution" on the airwaves. While most feminists would happily applaud getting rid of the kind of masculinity denoted by "chest-beating", there's no recognition that the phrase is not a tautology.

Feminism has an ambivalent relationship to masculinity, I think (and lesbianism, but the two are not inherently related). We want to have "feminine" women who look like Sarah Palin to be seen as intelligent by a wide audience. Why? Because they're not taking on "male" characteristics by acting in a "masculine" manner. When someone read as masculine, like Clinton, is successful, there are some sighs and complaints that (I think) she's capitulating in some way to a male-dominated culture.

This puts women like Maddow in the position of needing to dress in a more "feminine" manner, for the sake of the revolution (as well as ratings, let's not forget). Obviously, the overarching concern is that women--whether masculine or feminine, biological or transgendered--are receiving equal opportunity in society and not subject to systematic bias. However, I think that until we can detach masculinity from maleness (and femininity from femaleness--as another important thread in this election is "effeminacy"), that goal will remain out of reach.

Orlando is the nom de plum of an analytic philosopher-in-training in the United States. She is a PhD student focusing on topics in language and mind and likes to think she looks something like Rachel Maddow.