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Music Hates You, Part 2: Weezer Thinks You'll Watch Anything

California — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 13:30:28 +0000

In Music Hates You, California explores the depths of our relationship with the music industry. At the beginning, it was really hot between us and Music, but now? We have a roving eye. We're downloading whatever we want, whenever we want, and the industry can tell. And it hates us for it.

Oh my God, I hate Rivers Cuomo (pictured, dressed as someone about to kill you who is also playing soccer). His band Weezer has forever lived on the Wooderson philosophy: they get older, their fans stay the same age. I was content to save both energy and time by hating myself instead of Weezer, but I can't do that anymore because of this new video. In the video for Weezer's new single, "Troublemaker," five different Guinness world records are set. Cool, right?

No. All of the records, which presumably would be set by a "troublemaker," are for activities that sound like they were born out of a focus group of old people asked to name things they think crazy kids would do. If "most people riding on a skateboard" or "most people in a custard pie fight" are some marketer's symbols of wholesome youth pasttimes, that executive should be fired immediately. Not that I ever thought Weezer were above repackaging what had made them cool in the first place (e.g. the Green Album and Blue Album comparison), and hey -- if the song were good, maybe the whole thing could be saved. But "Troublemaker" is more of the same nu-Weezer that has been boring fans of the old since 2001. What happened to the guy who stole girls' diaries and wanted to mess with homies who were dissing his girl? If Rivers has to put his tongue in his cheek to be fun, I don't want him to be sincere ever, ever again.

Putting out great songs will sell records, by the way. Not stunt videos. Who are you, Weezer, that band with the treadmills? [Wired Listening Post]

Being Good to You

susangpyp — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 14:42:13 +0000

A lot of new readers always ask me what I mean by that. This is a modified post from last January where it's explained.

I didn't realize that my self-esteem was non-existent when I left my first marriage. I had a vision of myself as "rejectable" -- I mean my own mother rejected me...then I was adopted into a family where I was the screwup, the scapegoat...I had been in abusive relationships since my first one at the age of 12. And I was told, by each person, it was all my fault.

I was a bad wife, a bad mother and a pretty worthless human being. According to those who fed me my ideas about me.

So when I left I had no self-esteem, not LOW self-esteem, NO self-esteem. My therapist pointed out, in our first meeting, that my hair was a mess, my clothes were a mess and my face was a mess. I didn't care. All I wanted was to put my marriage back together. Her question: WHAT ABOUT YOU?

Me? what? I was the screwup, the reject, the unwanted one. I could only feel worthwhile through other people's approval of me. Unfortunately I was surrounded by people who wouldn't approve of me in a million years. Unfortunately, I didn't know that. I was just trying to get their approval and when I didn't get it, I assumed it was me.

My internal messages were nasty and constantly self-denigrating. You're so stupid...you are so lazy...you are so pathetic...you are unwanted, unlovable and unworthy...

blah blah blah....

Turning that around was not easy but I've done it. When Michael would joke with me that I am high maintenance, I would say "Yes, but I'm worth it." (a line stolen from Jack McFarlane on Will and Grace). And he would always laugh at that response. Yeah, you know it. :)

The steps from here to there:

1. Stop saying negative things about myself. It was so hard because I was also coming face to face with all the things about me that led to being in such a crazy relationship. I wanted to say nice things about myself, but I had SO MUCH to change. Yes, exactly and I was working on that. I had to give myself credit for doing what I could do to overcome my past and the things I did wrong.

But I had to understand that I was not my fault. I didn't make myself the pathetic bundle of craziness that I was. Other people did that to me. It was my responsible to wade through the crap and work it out and figure it out but it was NOT MY FAULT that I was as screwed up as I was and I was working hard to unscrew myself.

I had to actively and consistently affirm myself. I had to write affirmations and work on them constantly. It takes 30 days for an affirmation to work. I wrote affirmations on index cards that I taped all over the house especially on the bathroom window. I made tapes for the car and to fall asleep to.

2. Not allowing negative feedback from others. I would say 'that's your opinion' or 'what you think of me is none of my business' or my favorite to my soon to be ex, 'tell it to the judge.' I learned to hang up on the ex and not accept unwarranted and unwelcome criticism or opinions of me. It was hard but I kept putting those things into place and it got easier. When I would get home I would have to work through it because I would always take a hit anyway. It takes practice. (we'll talk about boundaries at the seminar so bring examples and questions!)

I had to learn to keep the bat out of my own hand and not give it to others.

I learned to use my journal as both a place to vent and a place to affirm...journaling is an important part of this.

I had to learn to treat myself well and demand that from others. I had to step back and observe people and then decide that I deserved to be treated better. There is a saying, "Stand up for something or you'll fall for anything." It is IMPERATIVE to have standards. To know what you stand for and to know what treatment you absolutely MUST have in your life. This is a process, but everyday you should be journaling about what you want and deserve...and keep it clear.

DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS. The beauty of doing grief work is that you learn that if you walk away from a less than optimal situation you will not die, you will not be crushed forever. You learn that you will rebound and that, as Melody Beattie says, the only thing that is the end of the world is the end of the world. As soon as you get the hint that someone is not going to treat you like you are the best thing since the folded napkin: RUN!

3. I came up with self-soothing affirmations for when I was anxious. I am okay. It is okay. Everything is okay. Affirmations must be present and positive. (again, you guys will learn more about this at the seminar).

4. I started "looking as is." I started to take care of myself. Dress well, get professional haircuts, buy some nice jewelry for myself, join a gym, work out. This is VERY important. As I got healthier, it had to shine through and it did. It was very helpful to me.

5. I joined support groups. Group therapy, 12 step programs, I went to conferences, seminars and retreats. I got out there and met people and went places where healing happens. I surrounded myself with positive people who are working on themselves. I heard people talk about what they used to be. I realized I was a never was. I had to find, someway, somehow, to get to what I wanted to be.

I read all kinds of books on self-esteem, boundaries, dysfunctional families, codependency etc. I immersed myself in it. Reading and journaling and talking about it is how it happens. It's a process that is hard to feel unfolding as it is unfolding but it's going on...TRUST THE PROCESS.

6. Learn to put yourself first. There are so many ways to do this, but it's about making sure you are a priority in your own life. One way to do this is: Without fail I spent one night a week and one morning a week with me and me alone. I turned off the phone, turned off the TV, turned off the computer and spent the time with me and only me. On Thursday nights I would put the boys to bed and then I would take a bubble bath, deep condition my hair, do a facial masque, pedi/mani. Then I would put on comfy pj's and climb into bed with a trashy novel. NO SELF-HELP BOOKS. No phonecalls. NOTHING. Must be absolutely alone..with no interaction with anyone. It's all about me and only me.

Learning to make peace with the peace. Hear that? It's silence. Not boredom...not emptiness, but PEACE. No one nagging at me, no one draining me, no one telling me what to do. Making peace with the peace.

A quiet life is a working life. No drama. No chaos. No shouting. If you miss the shouting and the chaos and drama you MUST look at your early relationships and figure out what the heck is going on. What unfinished business are you trying to finish in unhealthy ways? What struggle from the past are you trying to master? Remember: the only way to win is not to play the game.

Learn to be a human BEING and not a human DOING. Let the chores go if it means you have no time for you. Learn to put your own needs of being before your needs of doing. DO NOT feel guilty for taking YOU time. You absolutely MUST take it each and every week and optimally, each and every day.

As time went on I bought expensive sheets, down comforters, and started to make my room my sanctuary. But it all started on Thursday nights....each week I would want more and more pampering and kept telling myself I am WORTH IT. Expensive bath salts? Yes, I'm worth it. Nice candles? Yes, I am worth it. Hmmm...this room could use a nice painting there. Expensive? Yes I'm worth it. :) There was a self-soothing, self-giving component to this evening and its effects that really were long-term.

I also bought relaxation and meditation tapes and would light candles and put on the meditation tapes. I had never learned how to just BE and it helped me a lot.

The other time I spent alone was Sunday morning. I bought myself a top of the line bike, fitted specifically for me, and biked over 10 miles every Sunday morning. I would get up early and go out all alone and bike about 5 miles, stop and just hang out for a while by myself for myself. Then I'd bike home, make a healthy breakfast and read the papers. Again, I allowed no interruptions for "my" time.

I've had male friends and clients who have done woodworking or something similar as their time. But the important part is to take at least one night or two and do nice things for you. Have a film night, have a reading night....pay attention to your bedroom and your surroundings and make it YOUR OWN. Think about what you like to do and do it...by yourself, uninterrupted, and bask in it...and make sure it's not a temporary thing...make sure you keep doing it.

7. I had to work on goals and I had to work on insecurities about those goals. Through journaling I realized that I was insecure that I wasn't as smart as I thought I was. I wanted to go back to school and try to figure out what I wanted to do. But in the meantime I had to find a job to support me and the boys.

So I made short-term goals and long-term goals. I had to think about what *I* wanted and what would make me happy. I set goals in different areas, fun goals, financial goals, career goals, education goals. I took up some hobbies, tried my hand at different things, checked out savings options. Savings for emergencies, savings for travel, savings for long-term. I looked at all my goals and made them important. NO MORE putting my goals aside.

8. Learning how to do things to better my life as a mother. I had no idea how to be a healthy mother. So I learned. I read books, I talked to healthy parents, I started moving away from my negatively slanted family. I kept affirming, in my journal, that I was a good mother. It became central to my affirmations. When I did things that I could have done better I would write in my journal, "I will do better next time. Next time I will..." and I would map out what things I needed to do to improve.

I spent time with the boys and focused on my idea of what a good mother was and yes that included playing video games, watching all of Fawlty Towers, and jumping on the bed while screaming the Five Little Monkeys song. My mother said I was nuts and they would grow up twisted. I'm not and they didn't. :) I kept affirming that my idea of motherhood was my idea. My kids still like to spend time hanging out with me. So there.

And I've taught the grandchildren the monkeys on the bed song and we scream at the top of our lungs. :) So I'm still nuts. AND LOVING IT!!

But I was also a consistent and firm disciplinarian. I did not make up stupid rules. The punishment always had some nexus to the crime. I did not back down on my word. I enforced the "three time" rule (if I say it 3 times, this is the consequence). My kids loved that I set boundaries, limits and guidelines for them. They appreciated that I said what I meant and meant what I said. I didn't make empty threats or false promises. They were able to take me at my word and I gave them some comfort in a nutty world/family. Even my "no means no" gave them something to count on even when they didn't particularly like hearing no.

9. I learned to go places by myself and be okay with that. At first it was very very hard. I thought the world was built for couples, but it's not really. In the first year after my separation my group won an award that included going away to Cape Cod for the weekend, each of us got our own condo. One of the places that was special for me and my ex was Cape Cod. I dreaded going....as I drove across the Bourne Bridge alone I was crying...I remembered all our wonderful vacations.

I got there and I had a corner condo right on the ocean. It was so romantic and so special...and I was alone. Someone in our group was having a party in his condo after our awards dinner. We met there as a group and most of us were single, there were some couples but not all seemed happy and for the first time I was able to see unhappiness in couples...and we went to the award dinner and had a fabulous time.

We went back to the condo and we put on music and we sang and laughed and had a great time. I didn't drink and I got to just hang out and be okay...some people made fools of themselves but I was just content to have a good time.

About 6 am I went back to my condo, made a pot of coffee and sat out on the porch and watched the ocean. I watched the sun come up and in that moment, I knew, I was going to be okay. It was a JOY, yes a JOY, in being alone. Who knows what would have happened had my ex been with me? It might have been very good or very bad, but I know one thing...I would NOT have seen that sunrise. It was glorious and I loved it....I had turned a corner.

It is absolutely imperative to learn to enjoy good times alone..whether truly alone or just in a situation where you are used to being a couple.

10. I kept learning and growing. I kept identifying things and working on it all while affirming what I was doing and being proud of where I was at any one time.

In relationships I learned to put me first. To know that my needs and wants were reasonable and okay. To stop trying to please everyone else and to put my own wants and needs on the list.

I also decided that I'd rather be alone than lose myself or settle for less in a relationship. I had to constantly affirm myself and demand that I deserved to be loved and cared for and if no one could fill the bill then I would just be alone and give myself lots of affirmation.

GIVE YOURSELF LOTS OF CREDIT FOR THE WORK YOU ARE DOING! Take time each and every day to appreciate what you are doing. So many people choose to stay stuck in the insanity and craziness. You are not...you are doing the hard work and making your life better. GIVE YOURSELF LOTS OF KUDOS FOR THAT!!
It's not easy but this is the core to the key of loving yourself and being good to you.

There might be a ton of other things you can think of but it has to happen every single day. YOU MUST become a priority in your own life and learn to love yourself.

Big Sister Mogo

mogosmom — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 02:42:29 +0000

So, Mogo is a big sister! She loves her Charlie but is adjusting to all the changes in her world; a new school year, new sister, sharing a room, sharing her Mommy - a girl can get overwhelmed so easily. She is only now convinced that she won't have to share her toys for quite awhile. She has been a big help, often to the point of being completely un-helpful but she supposes we must keep Charlie since she doesn't have an "electrical cord" anymore and we can't put her back with out one of those.

I think she is also relieved to have a spot on my lap again. She grew so much while I was PG that she barely fits anymore. How time flies. I can't even imagine Mogo being Charlotte's size, it seems like it happened to someone else entirely. We are plugging along though and we are all trying hard not to kill each other with all of these changes and of course, there is the sleep deprivation... that is always helpful.

The sisters seem to be getting along famously though. See?

Some day I will get as much sleep as this one.

for now I will settle for a few hours here and there and remember that it is all so very worth it.

Meet Charlotte Lane

mogosmom — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 00:29:31 +0000

Charlotte Lane was born on August 27, 2008 at 12:20 p.m.
She was 6lbs. 5 oz and 19 inches long.
Mom & baby girl are a-o-k and big sister Morrigan is thrilled.

We have been having some problems in the weight gain department, I have been a bit of a wreck and getting to the computer has been difficult at best. Thanks for checking in on occasion. I will check back in when I get the little one to sleep for longer than an hour!

Love to you all

-Mogo & Charlie's Mom

Everything will be okay in the end (and if it's not okay, it's not the end)

incalculable — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 04:21:56 +0000

I'm kind of hard to be around right now, I know that. It's one thing to kick off an everyday funk and get on with life. And then there's the big things that no matter how hard you kick, they are just going sit there, staring you and your broken foot down.

Anyway, the marking. I didn't get it done last weekend, so I have to finish tonight. I spent the first day and a half this week alternating between being devastated about Dave being gone (the finality is slowly sinking in) and pulling it together just enough to rewrite my research proposal for the Big Grant Nomination. All of that weeping/writing time should have been spent doing my project at work, which I'm now way behind on. It's supposed to be done on Friday. There is no way I can get it done.

Which is kind of what I feel about my life right now. There is no way I can get it all done. I feel defeated and utterly depleted, but I'm still kind of mechanically plodding along, just doing what I can. As it turns out, what I can is actually not all that much.

I'm lucky to have good people around me. Tab A is a trooper. Liza-Lou is the sweetest roomie ever (the title of this post is from a card she gave me yesterday). Even though they're far away I have my mom and dad (who talked me through a little breakdown last night). And the kids are amazing... last night was the first time I broke in front of them and Moon was all hugs. So sweet.

Anyway, today was another kind of tough day but I'm feeling better after a bath and a walk with Tab A & the dog. Now the Daily Show and marking. I can do it.

The outside critique

Khristopher J. Brooks — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 03:07:57 +0000

It's hard to believe, but by mid-next-month, I'll have been here for six months.

Geez, time flies when you're having fun - right?

Anyway, I've written a few stories I'm proud of, but I also recognize that there's a lot of growing to do. My newsroom is a great place with great journalists who can help me do that. I want to become better so I can make my newspaper better.

That's why I've devised a new plan for, hopefully, getting better. I don't know anyone - young or old - that employs this method, so this is in its "fairly new" stages.The plan isn't perfect, but it's the only one I can think of so far that I imagine will help.

Here it goes:

I'm going to gather my best five to seven clips and mail them to four different people. The four people will be: an in-house, Omaha World-Herald working journalist, an outside working journalist (preferably from out of this region), a normal average reader (someone residing in this region) and a person in journalism academia (basically a journalism professor or dean or something like that).

I want the four people to read and analyze my clips, then write out their suggestions, comments, critiques and tips for making my writing better. Those four people will then mail those clips and their comments back.

I'll go through them, spot trends or really good suggestions and then work EXTREMELY hard to implement the best pointers in my daily work.

A personal audit of my clips since working here found that my stories lack student reactions/voices and an outside viewpoint (particularly on the issue stories). Since then, I've made it a point to ask myself before filing a story: does this story have two students in it? Does this story have a national expert on the topic? If it's an issue story, I aim to have at least one student and one expert. If no expert is necessary, then I use two students.

Hopefully this critique will yield similar tips.

Now, anyone reading this can say there's several flaws with this method. And I'm guessing you're probably right about your criticisms. Still, it's the best idea I came up with. It's one that I think will work for ME. And it's one that I can tweak once I use it again and again.

That being said, my plan is to mail out these five to seven clips on Oct. 14 - the date that marks my official 6-month anniversary. At this point, I haven't found the four people. But once I do, I will write another post about the people and their background.

My best friend in San Antonio is totally stoked about this. He loves the idea. He's helping me find a journalism professor.

I think I've found the normal, everyday reader I want, but we've been playing phone tag the past two weeks.

If all goes well, I'll work for six months to incorporate my critics' suggestions. At the end of six months, I'll gather another five to seven clips and mail them to four more people. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

So, there you have it. The grand plan. Like I said, it's all in planning stages right now. I haven't found the people or the clips, but I plan to soon.

For those keeping track, one of the purposes of this blog is to chronicle my journey of becoming a better journalist while working here. I feel like this new scheme I'm going to use will help and show how I'm growing.

If you're reading this and want to participate, give me a buzz.

FYI: James B. Milliken of the University of Nebraska talks about international programs.

the Weather Man says it's going to be ok.

thegatsby — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 20:47:56 +0000

i love rain storms. i love it even more when there's thunder, but plain rain will have to do. rain makes me feel like i don't have to try, like i don't need to make an effort to fit my demeanor to the shiny flourescent world. rain feels so much more natural than sunlight. i mean... sunlight is obviously natural, but sunlight always feels like it's trying too hard. i'm trying too hard. i'm trying hard to be sunlight, when i know i'm always going to end up as one big thunderstorm. i'm realizing this is ok, thunderstorms can be beautiful too. subtle purple skys. blinding lightning slashes. wind you can't ignore. beat-holding rain.

yeah....being a thunderstorm doesn't seem that bad.

The search for the God particle

ericfreistadt — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 06:05:21 +0000

I am host to some of this city's most affluent guests; the elite. At night, they become drunken buffoons, just like the rest of us.

Deer in the headlights

ericfreistadt — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 04:30:51 +0000

There is poetry in every word that you speak, write, or relay.

I don't care for Sarah Palin's poetry.

ASP.Net what to learn

entidity — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 19:59:59 +0000

Most of the developers that I look at aren't even powerusers of PCs. They don't know and are not curious about operating systems, device drivers and things like that. They don't understand these thngs even in block diagram level.

They don't know how a computer boots up. They don't care how a computer boots up. Things are that bad.

So, to all aspiring programmers as well as most existing ones, learn everything you can. You should know the name and function of every key on the keyboard. You should know the name of every standard mouse operation (click, drag, etc) and should be able to perform it.

Learn how to type. You should be able to do atleast 60-70 WPM on text and oft repeated commands, and at least 40-50 WPM on code.

Learn every short cut key on the operating system.

Learn every short cut key on the IDE.

In your IDE, click on every menu item and look through every dialog.

ASP.Net doing it right - 1

entidity — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 19:48:31 +0000

You want to know how much the odds are stacked against the developer? Create a default ASP.net application in visual studio 2008 and run code analysis on it!

There are twenty things that the developer has to juggle with to get it right. Everything is learnt at the expense of the first employer. The colleges teach nothing. There was a very good concept of a "finishing school" where after college (where you spend 3-4 years on all sorts of crap) you spend a year focussed on software development. That was supposed to bring you in line with the industry. I have no idea why that did not work.

When I interview people with supposedly 2 years of experience, I see them as a big zero. First of all they desperately lack all required skills, including programming. Their IT talk reveals their losing struggle with jargon. For example, they alternatively use words like 'sql', 'sql query', 'sql statement', 'query', 'select query' to describe the same thing. If I just go on spitting jargon at them, they go on spitting jargon back to me, afraid to admit that they are not sure what I am talking about and boldly (and correctly) asking me to be clear.

What I have achieved today

caddir — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 19:43:43 +0000

I am amazed with myself because

I went down two flights of stairs
put the tax disc in my car
stood and talked with a neighbour for a few minutes before l had to lean on the wall
Went back up two flights of stairs
emptied the dishwasher
Washed up a few non-dishwasher things
washed the kitchen floor
vacuumed the lounge carpet

I had to have a break after each task of course, but my recovery times are better and at this rate I should be on course for going back to work next Monday. Well, I can hope!

(I also sorted through the solicitor's letters. I haven't done what I need with them yet)

The Chin that Ate Manhattan

mightyminx — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 17:51:33 +0000

My friends have been on a Facebook photo tagging bender this weekend, and so now my "my photos" album has tripled since Friday. It's funny, because suddenly there are pics of me from 10 years ago and pics of me from yesterday, and somehow I had it in my mind that I wasn't much bigger now than I was back in my heaviest days in college. Not so, apparently. Of course, age has a lot to do with it, but there's a marked difference in my appearance from when I was 18...I had a much thinner face, and the weight on my body seemed a little bit more appropriately distributed. Now, in some pictures I have a double chin, and in other (far less attractive) ones, my chin isn't a double so much as one giant single enjoying its Manifest Destiny and threatening to invade and colonize my my neck. Yikes.

The last time a friend posted a bunch of candid pictures of me, I went on a junk food and wine binge and spent the entire evening crying and detagging myself so no one would know the pasty, flabby girl dancing with a New Year's Eve crown on her head was me (even though...duh...it's me). I'm not upset this time, for some reason. I mean, I know I'm fat. I didn't realize I was quite THAT fat, but the individual clues of slowly expanding clothing sizes, jeans that used to button fine that strain across my midsection, and all those other little signs of declining health and increasing girth all kind of hit home today...but it wasn't that bad of a thing. There were some pictures where I looked okay, and some where I looked awful, but the thing I realized is I can get rid of the bad stuff about me with a little work, but there's definitely some good stuff to work with, too. That's heartening.

I think the past several month of doing absolutely nothing (and I will admit I have done NOTHING) about my body has actually been a good thing, in retrospect. I've gone from being so frantic about dropping weight and getting slimmer--for a guy, for a reunion, for a trip--that it never felt good, or right, or permanent. I kind of think, also, that if I hadn't spent so much time sitting around thinking about being sick, I never would've put all the pieces together and figured out the whole PCOS thing and gotten help. (My ovaries thank me, for sure)

Life right now is so GOOD...I can't even tell you. I've finally taught enough years in one school to be competent enough at my job that it doesn't require daily freaking out to accomplish the things I need to get done. Money drama and ex-husband drama is, for the most part, a thing of the past (although if someone could scare up about 500 more dollars a month for me, that would be swell thanks), and I have eliminated virtually all of the extraneous car, work, and house stress that plagued me through the last two or three years. I am SO frigging happy right now, even through the Week of Puke and the last few days of my eyeballs trying to burn out of my skull.

So the point of this is, it's really time to get started, and I actually mean it this time. I complained a lot this year about not being able to find the "spark" I needed to get really into taking care of my health, but I'm kind of thinking that right now the spark isn't necessary. Maybe I was developing a slow burn this whole time and that's all I needed. I also think my priorities were screwed up, in that I was certain that losing weight and being pretty were going to make all the problems in my life seem easier, but I think I actually needed to deal with the big problems before I could be destressed enough to be happy with losing weight the right way. And right now, that's exactly what it seems like it'll be...just kind of the final piece of a puzzle that's taken a really long time to finally put all the way together.

Better

Laura — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 20:24:56 +0000

I'm feeling a little better today, but still...things are hard.

Sometimes I can't believe how difficult it is to just get through the day.

But things are looking up. It hasn't been so bad today. I laughed a little (thank you, Top Gear!) and I haven't felt so hopeless.

There always is a light at the end of the tunnel...I just sometimes forget to look for it.

I did it!!

Katie — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 16:57:39 +0000

I decided to go to church in the morning today instead of in the evening because in the evening they turn down the lights and use stage lights and it is loud, dark and busy and that was setting off my panic attacks so I decided as I'm not at work, still, I would see if I could cope with the morning service, and I managed to stay in the whole service and not have a panic attack! It definitely helped having the lights on and blinds up, I didn't feel so trapped and I could see people moving about so there were no nasty surprises - not that I think there would be, but my anxiety sometimes leads me to think anything strange might happen. And in the worship the Holy Spirit was moving and the message was don't be afraid, even though it sometimes feels like God is far away, He isn't and He will lead us out of our current situations. Along with that, I was reading Hebrews 3:1-6 and the final verse was about perseverance and how a true Christian doesn't give up. I feel God is clearly telling me not to give up and that even though this situation is long and drawn out, He will make it all better and I will come through it and things will be so amazing after.

Killing me softly...

mightyminx — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 02:23:41 +0000

Shhh...listen. Hear that? That tiny choir of agonized, screaming voices? Yeah, those are my body parts begging me to stop eating shit.

Here's what I know and have learned so far this week about what refined carbs will do to your body once you start eating them again after not eating them:

1) Everything that used to be wrong with you prior to embracing the clean foods (the insomnia, the heart palpitations, the nausea, the swollen everything) will come back, twofold.

2) You will feel hung over like that one time when you realized the box of wine you bought for a party is about to expire so you "saved" it by drinking three water glasses full of shiraz in an hour and then spent twenty minutes the following afternoon puking out the side of your car. Except this time you will be puking ice cream and chicken tenders. You also have that perpetual taste in your mouth that usually only arises after Thanksgiving when you've eaten a metric ton of Ro-Tel dip and washed it down with mulled cider and three pieces of pumpkin pie.

3) Despite your body informing you that it'd be easier to pump bacon wrapped, deep fried cyanide tablets through your digestive system, the overwhelming urge to put more and more and MORE sugar in your body is not to be denied, so do you do exactly that. Until Thursday, when hopefully you just stop.

Peridot asked a question in the comments yesterday about carb addiction and whether it's a valid phenomenon. For me, it definitely is. I think it's probably a little too convenient to say that all people everywhere can get addicted to sugars and carbs and that everyone should avoid them, but it's pretty well proven now that some people (especially women with PCOS) are more inclined to develop a need for sugar and refined carbohydrates, because the hormones in their body interact in such a way that they can't get away from it. I'm not sure how much of my little carb jag was fueled by a kind of reverse placebo effect--that knowing I have a problem with sugars and carbs made me more aware that i wanted them--and how much was actually happening as a chemical response inside my body. I guess trial and error will sort that out in time.

I'm going to be talking a whole lot about PCOS in the future. It might get old, but it's important to me to keep perspective on why this whole weight loss thing isn't a walk in the park this time around, and why my moods and health are so fragile. Even though it's going to be a huge uphill battle to stay balanced and vibrant and feeling good about myself, it's strangely comforting to know that all of this craziness with my body has a legitimate cause, and that I'm not alone in having to fight it.

I think it'll also give me a way out of having to play catcher in my friend Steph's husband's fall softball beer league again. I'm not 100%, but I'm pretty sure Coors Light and pork rinds aren't on my acceptable foods list.

I colored the fallopian tubes burnt sienna.

mightyminx — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 00:09:00 +0000

Wow, relief is such a sweet feeling.

I went to a gynecologist in Kansas City (henceforth known in this blog as the "Vag Doctor" because somehow my immaturity works in such a way that gyne-related words embarrass me, but "vag" is perfectly fine) yesterday for an annual exam and a second opinion on the lab results. I was pretty distraught after having Dr. Asshat basically call me a hypochondriac and hang up on me, so I solicited the opinion of a PCOS message board and found out my results were NOT normal and I needed to see someone. I got lucky enough to get an almost immediate appointment with a doctor rated the best vag consultant in the Kansas City area, and a totally awesome person to see for endocrine related issues. Compared to the third world country that was my former family care clinic, this place was absolute heaven...friendly, smiling receptionists and nurses, a gourmet coffee bar, an esthetician, and seriously...this doctor was completely fabulous and managed to get in and out of my lady parts AND feel up my boobs before I even realized we had started the exam. BEST PAP SMEAR EVER.

I can't believe I just wrote that.

The doctor took one look at my test results and pretty much confirmed I have PCOS and also agreed my family doctor is a moron and an unfortunate waste of a medical diploma, which was really nice to hear. He said it's going to be a very slow, very tedious process to get me back into really good health, but this is basically the plan of attack:

1) He's putting me on the Perricone Prescription diet, which I was kind of not excited about because I thought it was a plan for desperate housewives and Oprah to help themselves lose wrinkles and age spots. It turns out that while he probably just wrote and marketed his book for that reason, the research behind it is sound, and it's basically a low-GI, high protein, very low sugar way of eating. There's a 3-day "trial run" at the beginning of the book that I'm going to try on Monday after my birthday weekend's over. Sorry ovaries...mama's having her chocolate cake. I'll post the grocery list and the eating plan on the Daily Minx page this weekend. My biggest issue is the large amount of fish and seafood I'll have to eat, not only because I'm still in the "meat=gak" phase, but also because I'm a little worried about mercury poisoning. I'll just have to make sure to stick with Whole Foods wild caught stuff and hope for the best.

2) He prescribed three medications: Metformin, Spiro to flush out the bad hormones, and birth control pills. I'm starting with the birth control, and then adding the other two over the next couple of months so my body doesn't get overwhelmed. Also, because I'd like to get a jump start on all the whoring around I'll be able to do now...infertile AND on birth control? Sign me up!

3) I have to run a half marathon. Feel free to laugh, because I did. Actually, I thought it was a really creative and cool way to motivate me to start exercising again. He's a big marathoner, and he encourages all his patients to start training to run one in a year or two, doubling up on the training routines since most of us aren't in any physical shape to go gung-ho immediately, and then I guess there's this big emotional race full of women with effed up reproductive systems all running and being rejuvenated and shit. I'm not sure why there couldn't just be a spa weekend or an ovary cruise, but whatever...I'm game for anything. So, starting Monday, I am a MARATHONER. *snicker*

I left the office with a very well-prepared homemade latte, a black and white picture of an ovary that I accidentally dropped on the toe of an aghast elderly man in the elevator and went home and colored and hung on my fridge next to my postcard of Pope Benedict, an all-clear bill on my Pap, and a million instructions on how to start living my life so I don't die. Also, I got a 50% off coupon on a Brazilian wax from the esthetician, so the day as a whole was pretty much a major score.

I feel good, and I like the unnecessary symbolism of all this happening around my birthday. I always put too much stock in chronological milestones, but I think this one will be auspicious. I wonder if I can find a half-marathon to run to celebrate it next year.

And, of course, by "run a half-marathon" I mean "eat ice cream and watch Chariots of Fire on Encore".

Back of my neck lookin' dark and pretty.

mightyminx — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 18:10:21 +0000

I am blogging from my friend Z's apartment in downtown Manhattan. In the past 48 hours, I have spent 8 hours on planes and in airports, 5 hours on trains and subways, and probably another 5 hours walking. I need to remember that when I say "Wow, I'd like a vacation" what I really mean is "Wow, I'd like someone to hook one end of me to a tequila IV drip and the other to a catheter so I can take an uninterrupted, seven day nap someplace tropical".

I'm not really complaining, because New York, as always, is amazing and I get to see good friends and my brother who subjected me to the New Haven Deathmarch (not really, I just had stupid shoes on for the trek) and in general I'm really enjoying myself. I have a tango lesson this evening, and the rest of the vacation to kind of screw around and take terrible pictures and hang out as I like.

I got the test results back from Dr. Asshat the day before I left for New York. There's nothing wrong with me. I drove to the clinic and retrieved the hard copy results and scanned them a thousand times and realized that on the test results where they said nothing's wrong with me? They're not in the ranges listed as normal. So, I really don't get it. Asshat full out called me a hypochondriac when I asked him to explain how a number can be listed as normal when it's not acually IN the normal bracket, so I gave up trying to get answers from him. I'm calling a different doctor in an other suburb who's apparently fantastic with stuff like this, and hopefully he'll be able to look at the test results with me and give me some explanations.

Also, if any of you have or had endocrine system issues, would you mind dropping me an email? I've received a lot of supportive stuff from other women who've had similar issues, but any advice, stories, etc. you can offer is a huge help. I just want to know I'm not crazy for thinking it's something more than stress.

Check back this week for a lot of really poorly taken pictures of far off New York monuments, and many more instances of disappointing families of tourists on the subway when they ask for directions and find out I'm from Missouri!