Hopefully I will either get the urge to write this week since I'm off all week - or more of the books I have on reserve will come in so I have something to read.  I believe I have three more on reserve plus I picked up one yesterday when I returned the other books.  I'll drop of the Navada Barr one on my way home from work tonight.

I still want to complain about spiders - I average killing two a day in my apartment...is that normal? I can't believe all the spiders! Never saw this many down in Florida and that is a tropical climate! I just don't get it - where are these damn, pesky archnids coming from?

On another note, yesterday was the first time Bennie was able to jump up on the couch.  He does it now all the time though he still has to try several times before he can make it up.  It is so cute - he seems so proud of himself when he makes it.  Course, Baxter isn't happy about it because the couch use to be one of the places he could go that Bennie couldn't bother him.  The other loveseat is a smidget higher so Bennie can't get on that one  yet but it won't be long now.  Bennie likes to jump up on the couch and sleep - something he wasn't able to do before without being lifted up.  My couch pillows are no longer safe because he can reach them so likes to drag them down to the floor to chew on the corners. 

What a beautiful day out! Took the dogs on a nice walk earlier.  Had to run to the bank to wire money down to Sarasota to pay my car payment.  What was irritating about that was the bank told me when I opened my account that I could do it but never mentioned it cost $30 each time.  So I paid the $30 this time but won't do that again.  How ridiculous! The computer does all the work so why the hell does it cost so much?

Anyway, that is all I can think to write about today.  Hopefully I will write more over the next several days since I'll be off work.  I have to have the Novasure procedure done on Monday so will be off work recovering till next Saturday.  It is suppose to fix my iron problems - between that and thyroid pills anyway.  I sure hope so.  My doctor told me I'll have so much energy I won't know what to do with myself...would love for that to be true.

Right now it is almost 5:30am which means in a little over an hour, I will be relieved so I can go home to bed.  I am looking forward to sleeping as my dreams lately have been most pleasant.  Right now I could close my eyes and be asleep within minutes but I am usually a person who can go to sleep quickly - now and than I toss and turn but that is not the norm.  The cd player in my room rarely finishes the first song before I'm out like a light leaving it to play the remaining 11 songs to my subconscious.

Nope, getting to sleep is not a problem for me usually - staying asleep for longer then four hours is though.  I'll get to bed about 7:30am and will be back awake by 11am.  I'll start the cd player again and drift off for another two or three hours but this sleep is not as deep and relaxing as the first four.

I hope the rain continues for a few hours - it makes sleeping so pleasant plus gives me an excuse to put off walking the dogs till I'm more rested.

Personally, I don't like Hot Tamales for their texture - hate gooey things that stick to my teeth, and I'm sure it can't be good for my fillings.  Dots come to mind as well.  However, I do like the heat the Hot Tamales fills my mouth with. They do make an even hotter Hot Tamales but those are too hot for me - regular ones are just right.

So why do the things that are so bad for you, taste the best? It isn't fair.  Or is it that we always want what we shouldn't have - and not getting it makes us want it even more?  Not just with food or candy, but with virtually everything in life.

There is something I want - something I can't and shouldn't have - yet each time I see it, I want it even more.  Sure, I could give in to the temptation and "treat" myself but at what cost? I'd have less respect for myself and I already know possessing this thing would lose it's appeal once in my possession.  Thus, I control my urges and try to turn a blind eye to it.  Sounds good, right?

But what happens when the thing starts invading my dreams? I start dreaming that I possess this thing and that it gives me great satisfaction.  In the dream it isn't wrong to have it - I enjoy it and it is all I thought it would be.  I wake up thinking "hmmm...that would be so nice and felt so good in my dream."

Of course, we all known dreams can make even your heart being ripped out by an alien look nice and feel good.  Dreams like that can't be trusted - it is the temptation reaching out for you where you are most vulnerable.  It promises things it never can deliver so believing it will only bring an eventual loss of respect for yourself.

Damn though...it would be so nice and did seem so right in my dream....

The nice folks at BelleBooks were kind enough to send a copy of Sarah Addison Allen's In My Dreams, an audio collection of short stories that's due out Nov. 1. Watch the blog for a review of the audiobook and a special giveaway to come!

If you liked Garden Spells, you might want to try:

Laura Esquivel's Like Water for Chocolate

Alice Hoffman's Practical Magic

Sarah Addison Allen's The Sugar Queen

Morag Prunty's Recipes for a Perfect Marriage

Judith R. Hendricks' Bread Alone

Bharti Kirchner's Pastries: A Novel of Desserts and Discoveries

Feel free to leave your final thoughts (or any edible flower-cooking stories!) in the comments section below.

Join me during the month of September as I read Then We Came to the End by Joshua Ferris. More to come tomorrow!

I know I have been lax in writing the last couple of days.  Had a good topic yesterday but the mouse on my computer is such a pain in the butt that I get too frustrated to be on the computer.  It goes every which way and refuses to go side to side unless I'm rolling the rollerball and moving the mouse at the same time ~ and even then it is irratic.  I'm not patient when it comes to this kind of crap.

While walking the dogs yesterday, a flock of geese flew overhead going south for the winter.  I yelled up at them that they were going way too early but they didn't pay attention to me at all.  Kind of disconcerting to see them going already ~ makes one wonder how soon winter will be arriving.

I got an email from one of my neighbors that they might know someone interested in buying my condo.  I told them to give the person my information but I doubt it will work out.  There is also tentitive talk about putting a baseball stadium across the street from us that would take up four acres.  I would not want to live that close to something like that anyway. 

My dream, of course, is to have the money to keep the condo for winter vacations but that is a pipe dream.  Only the rich get such luxuries I guess, and I'm not one of them.

Tennessee has been calling me lately - more specifically, Fall Creek Falls has.  I would love to go in October - rent a cabin and just hang out, maybe become inspired to write again.  I'd spend three days there, maybe four.  I'd love to take my son who didn't get to go the first time.

Of course I can't go so no point wishing for it.  I won't be taking any more vacations this year - can't afford it.  I hope next year to be able to go down to Florida and do something with a few of my friends down there - maybe drive down to Key West or take a short cruise.  I miss them.

Unless things change dramatically with my finances (for the better, of course), I won't be going anywhere any time soon.  :-(

My biggest problem is that I can't find a secluded cabin to rent.  All the cabins come in clusters and I would really want to be off by myself.  There are a few that say they are secluded but they are also way to big for just little ole me.

If I could sell my condo soon, I thought I might take a vacation to Tennessee in October to see the fall colors.  Probably not but it sounds like a fun idea.

Sepanjang perjalanan ke kantor, saya melamun tentang mimpi tadi pagi dan mencoba mencari tahu apa arti dan maknanya. Banyak orang mengatakan bahwa mimpi adalah bunga tidur atau datang dari alam pikiran bawah sadar. Jika mimpi adalah bunga tidur, jarang sekali saya bermimpi akhir-akhir ini. Dan apabila dikatakan mimpi datang dari alam pikiran bawah sadar, berarti jika mimpi basah berarti datang dari bawah pusar dong. Padahal hari sebelumnya, saya ingat bahwa saya tidak bertemu atau menerima telepon dari teman wanita, paling-paling sms dari beberapa wanita (sedikit narsis dulu) dan bukan dari wanita yang datang kedalam mimpi tadi pagi.

Saya teringat dengan mama saya yang percaya akan mimpi. Saat adik saya sedang menunggu hasil pengumuman beasiswa belajar ke Jepang, mama saya berkata bahwa Kaisar Hirohito datang dalam mimpinya dan walhasil adik saya berhasil mendapatkan beasiswa belajar ke Jepang (padahal saya sendiri tidak yakin jika mama saya mengenal rupa Kaisar Hirohito). Lain waktu saat adik saya bungsu sedang gelisah menunggu hasil pengumuman UMPTN, mama saya bermimpi melihat matahari terbit dan ternyata benar adik bungsu saya diterima di perguruan tinggi negeri yang dipilihnya.

Jika mama saya melihat mimpi sebagai sebuah petunjuk, bukan bunga tidur atau dari alam bawah sadar, hal ini dapat dipahami karena mama saya sebagai manusia mengharapkan pegangan akan masa depan dan tidak mendahului Tuhan sebagai penentu utama dari semua perjalanan hidup manusia.

Mimpi, terlepas dari sebuah bunga tidur, dari alam bawah sadar atau petunjuk akan masa datang tetaplah sebuah mimpi. Kita bisa memimpikan bahagia berdua memandangi indahnya angkasa malam, dinaungi kerlip bintang atau terbang bebas seperti burung. Untuk mewujudkan semua yang kita mimpikan diperlukan keyakinan, perjuangan terus menerus, dibangun dari bawah dan memerlukan pengorbanan yang tidak sedikit. Namun mimpi dapat memacu kita untuk mempunyai harapan dan mimpi juga adalah tanda bahwa kita masih hidup. Selama masih bisa bermimpi, bermimpilah dengan harapan dan keyakinan akan pencapaian dan kebahagiaan dimasa depan.

I have decided I am not going to do that much to the condo to get it ready to be sold.  I will fix the minor things that need repaired and lay new carpet but that is it.  I'm not going to mess with repainting the downstairs or anything because I'll be limited on time and money.  I am so looking forward to getting the whole thing done and getting it on the market!

Right now I have "Jurassic Park" in and it is at the scene where the T-Rex is attacking the kid's car.  At 7pm I will turn it back to cable as the movie "Supergator" is suppose to be on Sci-Fi then.  You know how I love those corny "B" movies.  I think the actors work harder in the B movies because they aren't famous - each movie they do they are hoping someone will recognize them and they'll make it to the big time.  Once actors are stars, a lot start thinking their shit doesn't stink and their fans will put up with anything.  Usually the B movies have one star that was an extra in a few big name movies so as to lend some sort of authenticity to the show.

Rick, my brother-in-law, decided to go to the races tonight instead of watching his granddaughter here.  I don't know if the child is going along or if they found someone else to watch her.  I would have watched her had they wanted me to but no one asked.  It is good he is spending bonding time with his oldest son but it makes me feel like I'm a fifth wheel in that he probably would have stayed home to enjoy a night on his own if I hadn't been here.  I hate feeling like I'm in the way.

However, hopefully, that will change this next week and I can get moved into my own place.  I won't have much of anything to start with but I guess that is alright.  I can buy cheap plastic plates and what not at the Dollar Store.  I have my pots and pans so at least that is something.  My younger sister gave me a glider that use to be our Mom's so I will have something to sit in to watch TV if I can still borrow a TV from someone.  I will have to buy a DVD player because I can't go without TV and I won't be able to afford cable for awhile.  Don't know what I will do about the Internet - guess I'll have it at work or have to go to the library.

I hope I get a two bedroom apartment so I can make the second one a den.  Course, I don't have many books anymore...it makes me very sad.  I left some books in the condo that I definitely want so hope I can get back there to get them.  My sister said she'd go down with me when I'm ready if I wanted.  I'm thinking between her, Wayne and myself, we could get a lot done.  I'm not so sure I want to sell it now and have been trying to dream up ways that I can keep it awhile longer - short of winning the lottery or getting a big raise, I'm not sure it will be possible.  Man I miss my condo.  I don't miss Florida but I do wish I could transport my condo up here.

Oh well, such is life.  I've been working, as I said I would in a previous post, on how I'm going to change my life.  So far I haven't come up with much but I do think I'm on the right track.  I promised myself when I was in Florida that living back in Iowa would be different this time.  I would explore my home state and do more fun things in it and the surrounding states.  That is still one of my goals.  I wish I had all the answers but I don't. 

If we had the money to do what we wanted, when we wanted - life would be a bit more exciting.  Of course, we'd get into a lot more trouble but who cared as long as it was an adrenaline rush? My sister wants to climb Mt. Everest...uh, she can have that cuz no way does that appeal to me.  Swimming with sharks doesn't appeal to her either so guess we will have to do them separately.

But to be able to do what I wanted each day would be so liberating and fun.  I wouldn't go hog wild now in my 40's like I would have in my 20's if I was given the option to explore to my heart's content.  Now I would do a lot of traveling and spending time with my family.  I'd buy a cabin in Montana or Wyoming so I'd have a mountain retreat and keep my condo in Florida for my winter retreat.  Then I'd live in Iowa the rest of the year.

Yes, it is all just wishes and daydreams.  I can't imagine we'll ever have the money to take off on new adventures everyday.  But wouldn't it be awesome? I know money can't buy you happiness - but it can break up the monotony...you know?

Thus, I'm back on my kick about running away to Montana.  I really don't count it as "running away" per say as more of a desire to get away from what everyone else considers so normal.  I really miss the idea of going to Wyoming - I was so looking forward to it.

Not that I blame anyone for not being able to go - hell, I couldn't afford it either.  But one of these days I'm just going to up and go by myself.  I might not have as much fun as I would with others but at least I would get to do it once in my lifetime.  I'd really like to give living in rustic surroundings a try for a few days.  Not saying anything really scary or horrific...just a few days out in the wilds of North America.

You know, one of the problems with living in Florida was that I lived in a city.  I've never been fond of cities as they seem too crowded.  There are no open spaces and to get "out in the country" required driving at least 12 miles through city traffic.  It was just too much.  I'm more of a country girl or small town girl - I don't enjoy the noises associated with a lot of traffic.  I probably wouldn't have that problem in Montana, huh?

I know I said I had three hours to go a few minutes ago but now I really only have three hours to go.  I looked at the clock wrong last time - boo hoo for me.  I so just want this day to be over with!!! Can't wait to get out of here.

I wonder how much a cabin would cost in Montana? Surely not that much.  Anyone want to venture a guess? I would like a little cabin with two rooms (bedroom,kitchen/dining), bathroom, and fireplace.  Sounds simple enough.

All week I was looking forward to today...a day off.  I hate working days and it irritates me to no end that I have another week of them.  I view it, whether I'm right or wrong for doing so, as a punishment for requesting to be off training early.  The person who does scheduling could have left me on the night shift this past week but she chose to do this to me instead.  I knew she would.  I also knew it would reinforce my dislike for the job.  I have decided next time a city job is open, part-time or full time, I will put in an application.  I am not happy at the University thus far.

But what were my expectations when I moved to Iowa? I've already described my expectation that things would be harder then staying in Florida both financially and living quarters.  I knew it would be and I would like to say that knowing so has helped me keep a positive attitude...but I'd be lying.  How many times have I asked God to test me, to test my strength and wisdom, only to whine about it when he does?

At the end of the movie "The Edge", Anthony Hopkins says something poetic about the tests of life never come when you think they should, but rather hit you up along side the head when you aren't prepared.  I knew what was coming but I failed to really examine how the circumstances would effect me mentally, spiritually and emotionally.  I considered the financial aspects of it figuring the rest would just fall in line with my expectations.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed.  I'm just simply stating the fact that we have expectations but rarely do we see the full scope of what is ahead.  I'm very thankful to my son and my sister for letting me stay with them.  I just wish that I had been able to get my own apartment by now.  I wish I had planned a little better.  I am not sorry I moved.  The only thing in Florida I miss thus far is the beach.  I miss going out to sit and watch the waves come in when I'm feeling down.

But anyhoo.  Life marches on and in a few months, it will be more settled into a routine that I will probably be complaining about then as well.  I do know that I want a different job but don't feel like I can go for that until the condo is sold.  That way I can take a pay cut if necessary...right now there is no way that I can do so unless I got a second job to make up the difference.  :-(

As of last Friday, I was officially out of training.  Course, I'm here working days anyway which I have to admit, however unwillingly, that I needed to work a few days to get a feel for what they are like.  I don't want to work days - it costs me a lot of money for parking and what not - but I really did need the experience as last time I worked on days I wasn't allowed to answer phones or do anything pretty much.

It seems like I often have hopes of the way something will turn out or happen  - then feel blue when it didn't turn out the way I thought it would.  Often it ends up just fine and I always KNOW it will work out but I still spend time fretting over my expectations or the failure to meet them.

I think a lot of people probably put plans in motion and don't account for all the things that could go wrong.  Or we do but we dismiss them as the extreme of what could happen to our plans.  When I decided to move to Iowa, for example, I knew money would be tight but I decided that I could handle whatever came my way.  I still believe that but it doesn't stop me from feeling disappointed that things didn't go the perfect way I had planned.

I have more to say on this subject but must stop here for now.

As many teenagers do with their first young love, my son screwed it up and they broke up.  I don't blame him - he was young and all these girls were throwing themselves at him.  He had just discovered sex and, being a guy, didn't know how good he had it until he threw it all away.

As the years went on, he thought many times about calling her - maybe getting together as friends to see how things went.  However, she had gone on to college and she came from a good family much higher on the social scale, so he decided she deserved better then him.  He was someone who battled authority and got into trouble with the law - trying to live up to that "gangsta" image so big in all the rap songs.  She was responsible, bubbly, and a good girl.

Still, I have tried to convince him over the years to contact her but we didn't know where she lived and her phone was unlisted.  Chances were very good that her parents would never give up the information as he felt they hadn't really liked him anyway.  So he did nothing - waiting for fate to handle the situation.

Fate did too.  She just married another.  When he got the news, my son was upset.  He didn't think the man she married deserved her any more then he did.  It put a solid end to that chapter in his life.  We talked about her and how stupid he was for letting her go but no use flogging a dead horse.

I emailed this woman, she is a beautiful woman now, after she had emailed my son a few days ago to tell him she was married.  She found him on "myspace."  It is ironic, isn't it that they finally make contact only it is too late to change their fate? She emailed me back and I detected a note of wishing that things were different.  Ok, it was more then a note.  She said she would always love my son and had gotten married because her father had a stroke and she was afraid he would die soon and he wanted to see his daughter get married.  I know she loves the guy she married but might not be "in love" with him.

Still, it a moot point now.  She is married and the cast has been set.  As much as I want to tell my son what she said - or show him her email - I don't think that I can because it isn't fair to him or to the woman he is currently dating.  I know he loves the girl he is dating now but am not sure he is "in love" with her...which is a big deal to me but he seems to think a compatible love is less emotionally exhausting.

I just want him to be happy...truly happy. 

Giù il gettone e via ad un'altra partita con la vita!

Ci pensavo questa notte, guardando gli amici giocare a calcetto.
Succede quando è tardi e si vuole passare un po' di tempo in compagnia.

E' anche una sfida, un contest di abilità, tempismo, culo.

Mai ci vidi più attinenza con la vita reale.
Mai trovai più necessità di abilità, ma soprattuttto tempismo e culo.

Ricordo quando si presentò in aula un anziano professore. giacca e cravatta, serio professionale. Durante la presentazione del corso elencò anche dei requisiti che sarebbero serviti per spaccare nella vita.

Quel fattore "C".

Quello che ci ha lasciati un po' tutti col fiato sospeso quando lo disse. Perchè nessuno se lo aspettava. Quell'ometto plurilaureato, consulente di diverse multinazionali, professore di economia non poteva dire culo!

"Però serve anche il fattore "C"!" E ci osserva. Silenzioso. Aspettandosi tutti i nostri volti stupiti e una risposta che non arrivava.
Qualcuno più sveglio e audace disse ad alta voce "CULO!". Il professore sorrideva. "Ebbene sì, è il fattore culo che serve. Spesso più di tutto il resto."

Ed ora, ogni giorno della mia vita, ogni mattina ed in ogni momento mi torna in mente quell'uomo che alludeva al fattore "C". Provato e garantito al limone!

E ieri sera è stata l'assoluta, inconfutabile, lapalissiana riprova.
Ho imparato, nulla di nuovo, già lo sapevo. Per quanto tempo dovrò ripassare lezioni prima di imparare e poter partecipare anch'io a quella bella partita di calcetto dei miei sogni?

Quanto tempo prima di diventare un bravo giocatore?

Grazie amici per le serate in compagnia, quelle serate che non cambierei per niente al mondo, quelle serate dove i pensieri si annullano grazie alla vostra compagnia e ad una buona chiacchierata, magari con un Vodka-Redbull tra le mani.

a Omar Ale Fra Laura Ste Simo Furna Cory Sparta Koto Ale Fabio Giorgio
Grazie Amici!

[During this writing i'm playing:
- The Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift SUONDTRACK - N.E.R.D. - Blue Crush OST (Retail)
- Ooh Aah - Grits - The Art of Translation
- Tokyo Drift (Fast and Furious) - GNZ - Teriyaki Boyz - Tokyo Drift (Original Soundtrack)]