He decided to only take it down to a 2 guard instead of shaving it completely.  When it was all said and done, we actually all really liked it!  When he comes home tomorrow night after the two MRI's, he will have little circle stickers on his head for the image guidance.  So I bought some stickers today and we had a sticker party!  The kids loved it!  They had so much fun putting stickers all over themselves and Daddy.

Here is the stickered up family portrait!

"Ricky Martin se siente muy orgulloso y feliz de comenzar este nuevo capítulo de su vida como padre y permanecerá el resto del año fuera de los escenarios para dedicarse por completo al cuidado de sus niños", señala el comunicado de prensa firmado por sus publicistas John Reilly, Ródine Alcalá y Helga García.

El escueto anuncio no incluye otros detalles, como la identidad de la madre, el lugar ni la fecha del alumbramiento.

As if we haven't had enough medical emergencies lately, Riley hit the left corner of his eye yesterday.  He was playing superheroes with a "cape" blanket over his head and ran into a corner.  He probably could have used a stitch a two, but we couldn't put him through any more stitches.  It stopped bleeding and we just put some neosporin and a band aid on it.  So, he will have another scar to impress his girlfriend with later in life.  Like, when he's 21!  HA HA

We will be shaving Daddy's head tonight.  He has his MRI at 3:00 tomorrow, and he will be coming home with little adhesive circles on his head for the image guidance used during the surgery.  After we shave his head tonight, we are going to sticker up our own heads so the kids know what to expect tomorrow.  We are trying to prepare them as much as possible without going into too much detail.  They do know that the he has surgery on Friday to remove his boo boo in his head.  They also know that he will come home with staples and will keep them for 2 weeks.  You can see the sweet concern on precious Lily's face.  She is so in love with her daddy and is just trying to understand the whole situation.  I just know that God will grant her the peace and calm in her heart during this time.  Riley has been taking the situation so very well.  He just keeps running into walls and being a boy.  =) He did ask Daddy why he is taking medicine.  Ricky explained that he has a boo boo in his head.  Riley liked that answer and ran off to play ball. 

Once again, we cannot thank everyone enough for the love and support we have been shown.  God is shining so brightly in every one of you!  We are so grateful to have each and every one of you in our lives.

$34.95 (but they waived my $.50 late fee on another book, how nice)

Oh well, Ricky really did love this book and now it's his.  Even if he did rip out his favorite page with the T-Rex.

Some of Ricky's other favorite (obscure) dinosaurs in case you were wondering: Pentaceratops, Gigantasaurus, Moschops, Brachiosaurus and Spinosaurus.

What I'm wondering is, what ever happened to the Pteradactyl and the Brontosaurus?  I'm thinking they may have gone the way of dwarf planet Pluto because in the dozen or so books about dinosaurs I've read over the past few months I haven't seen a single mention of them.  In the mean time I'll challenge any one of you out there in a dinosaur pronunciation game.

I got inked and I have to admit that it was pretty much one of the most bad ass experiences of my life, on so many levels.

I had to wait for Ricky Doo to get off of work and because he is such a diligent worker he stayed later and that just made my anticipation grow greater. It made something else grow greater too, but we'll get to that. I suppose I can say this now because what's done is done but I haven't really admitted to mostly anyone that I have really only considered getting a tattoo for about... a day. I mean I have always thought about getting one mostly in a romantic kind of way, the kind of way that doesn't actually have you picking out a design or driving to the place. So you can clock how long I actually wanted it in a real time season of 24. I know, most people would think that wouldn't be enough time to take anything seriously, but my mind and heart works like that. It's just the way I have always been, it's when I do my best work really, not overly analyzing anything to death, not talking myself in and out of it.

I knew I wanted a cat, but not literally a cat, unless of course I ever get a Felix the Cat on me somewhere, which I will never really rule out. Just not a Garfield, as much as I love Garfield. The point is I have to give the credit for "Leo" to my friend Bri. I mean "cat" was always at the top of my list but I was weighing all of my options. It wasn't until I heard it from someone else's mouth that it really sealed the deal for me.

10:30 Friday night, on Speedway at the place everyone has recommended, Majestik and I am so glad that they did. That place rocks, and here's why:

I get the coolest girl ever to do my tattoo and I was so comfortable and at ease, which are good things when someone comes out from the back room to show you the needle they are going to be using to permanently mark you. The place was chill, completely cool and made me remember my "bar days". You know, I was that girl who would sit at the bar even alone, on a Tuesday night... seedy part of Manchester... I wish I had tattoos then, would have really added to my mystique. Neither here nor there. Oh and Ricky knew the tattoo artist from school, so there's comfortable common ground. So we get settled and she tells me that she is going to go for it and ask me if I can handle it. Go... okay, you can go. Didn't hurt really. I mean on a scale of no pain and pain it was pretty much on its own level, I won't lie. But it didn't hurt the way I thought it was going to hurt. I know now that it is most impossible to try and explain the feeling to someone, it's one of those things in life, you have to experience it for yourself. Probably a lot like jumping out of airplane... you can't explain that terror and euphoria to someone... for the record I'm sticking to tattoos.

Tra, la la... getting a tattoo... sitting here with Ricky watching, couple of other people who work there in the room, Tool is playing, life is good... man, I'm getting sweaty, can't feel my legs, or my arms for that matter... starting to see those gray splotches that I did when I passed out in church when I was like nine, think I was wearing that pink jumpsuit with a white turtle neck with little hearts on it... learn to swim, learn to swim... shit! I'm gonna pass out!!!

Me- Ummm, I think we should stop for a second

Tattoo artist (Bryanna)- Okay. Are you okay?

Me- I think I'm gonna pass out...

Big Guy With Lots of Tattoos and Piercings- Here DRINK THIS NOW! LAY BACK!

Whoa!!! Holy hell that was intense! No other way to explain it. So the big guy gives me the world biggest Arizona sweetened tea and I drank it like I had just trekked across the desert wearing a winter coat. I even got cookies. Was I embarrassed, f*ck no. I would have been super embarrassed if I had face planted and eaten parkay floor. Hell, I probably would have broken my glasses and been a blubbering mess. Instead I was pretty calm and collected, I had my sh*t tight, I just played it off like "oops". So Bryanna goes on to explain that what I just experienced was like giving blood on an empty stomach. But I ate... at like 5.

Ricky was quiet enough to bite his tongue. Earlier that day I had text Ricky and was boasting how much I was loving my frosted Lucky Charms because they're magically delicious. Ummm, that text wasn't at 5, it was at three thirty 5! Hahahahaha... I'm an ass. Not so magically delicious 8 hours later! (Of course he did remind me of this fact afterwards... lol! is all I can say!)<-- so that's why they ask you if you have eaten in the last 4 hours on the legal thingy that you sign before getting it done, and that's why you don't guesstimate.

The rest of the tattoo went without a hitch and was done in a flash. I was figuring that after that pain and after my near pass out experience the want to get another one wouldn't have come up so quick, but I do! I want a ton, or at least I want another. I should really let this one heal first, I won't have any sides left to sleep on! All in due time. But I do know this, Ricky and I are eating a steak dinner and a cake and sipping soda through pixie sticks before the next time... with pancakes and syrup on the side.

Those aren't mistakes, those are freckles. This was taken right after I got home... after Ihop, of course. I'm in love with it!

Isaiah 41:31

We have a busy weekend planned and are so excited.  The kids are going to Kings Island tomorrow with their friends Zoe and Jacob and they can't wait. Ricky and I are going to use that time to just hang out.  We haven't had a lot of time to just sit and hang out together, so we are looking forward to that.   Afterwards, we have our annual block party.   We are looking forward to seeing  all of our neighbors.

On Sunday we are heading down to the Reds game.  It is Faith Day and MercyMe is performing a concert afterwards.  We are sooooo very excited to see them perform.  We love their music!  Ricky can't wait to go and see all the guys at the field.

As far as prayers go, we have quite a few decisions to make right now.  Without going into detail, please pray that the Lord guides us in the right direction.  I feel like many of the decisions are on me to finalize, so please pray that the Lord grants me strength to make it through this trying time. 

I feel as though I cannot thank everyone enough for the support and kindness that you have shown us.  Please know that we care and love each and every one of you. 

We also captured this interesting moth. 

Thank you Lord for showing me beauty in an otherwise stressful situation.  We thank you for the precious beauty that abounds in our life.

Not the best pictures since I used my phone but I just had to catch this. We've been watching the Olympics gymnastics (tivo'd from the night before) the last few days.  The last two nights Ricky has started doing somersaults, I guess from watching the gymnasts. Tonight he watched one person perform, then said "Ricky's turn!" He's also said "Ready" and sometimes he starts counting before he flips.  What sweet boy!

And now I present to you...the trailer of Return to Sleepaway Camp! The fourth film in the the best slasher-horror series EVER  WARNING: the following trailer is quite suggestive/partly shows many death scenes in the film. Be warned, but fuckin' watch this shit anyways!

Cover Art!

The DVD hits stores OCTOBER 21st, so mark your calendars! Pre-orders can be made at Amazon, as always...yet I'm going to wait and make the Release Date Pilgrimage to the retail store of my liking. I'm old school like that.

LASTLY on the Sleepaway Camp front: Check out Final Girl's blog about the series! This post has her "Some Things I Love About Sleepaway Camp" and I couldn't agree more about. About everything. Final Girl - YOU WIN.

LET THE ANTICIPATION BEGIN! More SC to follow, like every day.

Our appointment is at 1:00 this afternoon.  My stomach is in knots.  Please pray that the Lord makes it clear to us today that this is the right doctor.  If not, let him lead us where we need to go.  We have been praying on this.  We have a couple of options for doctors and where the surgery will be held, but of course our first choice would be to stay here and have it close to home.  Just pray for direction for us today.

Yesterday was a wonderful day!  Ricky got to just hang out at home all day  with family and answer all of your phone calls.  He so enjoys hearing from all of you!  We then had bible study last night and once again were overwhelmed by the love we feel from our friends.  Our study was on prayer and what it means to pray.  It was amazing to have so many hands on us praying at one time.  God's presence and love was felt.  We just praise Him for all of the wonderful people He has put in our life.

I will update this afternoon after our appointment.  We love you all!!

And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

James 5:15-16

Ricky is one day at a time.  Last night we had some people over at the house.  He hadn't taken a nap and by the evening he was bouncing off the walls. But, unbelievably I got him to go to bed (first in my room, then he walked himself into his own room) before 8:00!!!!  He hasn't gone to bed that early in probably a year, and he slept through the night.  *Halleluia, angels singing*

Like I said, it's one day at a time and I will jump for joy any time there is something good to report.

2 Corinthians 5:7 

This verse was in my heart when I woke up this morning.  What a strong statement in so very few words.  When I stop to "see" what is in front of me, I am scared.  I'm not going to lie, this is very scary.  I am not scared of the tumor.  I know that it is benign and it will be taken out with ease.  I know that Ricky will be healed completely and he will be a stronger man from this whole ordeal.  But it's still scary.

I know that God put this verse in my heart this morning.  He wants me to know that he can read my heart.  He knows of my worries and sadness.  He knows that I am scared.  He is here to comfort me with his words.  Friends, if we only walk by what we see, this is a scary and sad world.  We must walk by faith.  We must walk knowing that God is in control.  We must walk knowing that he is by our side ALWAYS!  We must walk with our eyes closed and our arms open.  I know that we must walk by faith through this situation if we are to make it through. 

Does that mean that I am not angry?  Does that mean that I don't cry out to God and ask him why?  Does that mean that I understand?  Absolutely not.  God does not expect me to understand all that He does.  He does not expect me to not get angry and ask why.  He does not expect me to go through this alone. 

He does expect us to have faith.  He expects us to cry out and let him be the rock that we lean on.  He expects us to understand that He is here to listen to my cries.  He also expects us to know that if we put our faith in Him, Ricky will be healed.  He wants us to know that his hand is on us.  He wants us to know that he loves us.

As you go through life, try not to walk by what you see.  What you see does not matter in this world.  What you see can be scary.  Close your eyes and walk by faith.  Let God hold your hand and walk you through.  You will be amazed at the peace that will come over you when you know that God is walking with you.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9

Ricky is still feeling very good but needed to rest a little more today.  He had a good long nap this afternoon and woke up feeling refreshed.  We praise God that he feels so good and is able to enjoy his time at home this week. 

Thanks again for all of the prayers!  Ricky looks forward to reading your comments and emails every day =)

It's the longest stretch of coast-hugging road in the UK (I think) and features some spectacular scenery. Unfortunately I didn't get all that many pics today because I somehow ended up doing all the driving!

The Glens of Antrim sweep down to the coast of Northern Ireland, and are mesmerising. You can also look across the Irish Sea and see Scotland- the Mull of Kintyre being strongly in evidence the whole way up.

We stopped in Cushendall and went for a walk in the woods and played in the kiddies play area for a while.

Weirdly, we went to turn around and come home when we got to Cushendun, and bumped into Ricky's best friend from his old daycare, Tom, and his parents! We stopped and let the kids play together for an hour or so, and it was lovely to get caught up. Phone numbers were exchanged and I will make a point of calling and arranging a play date as they were so pathetically pleased to see each other!

I love this drive. It makes me happy every single time. I wanted to see it again before my treatment starts, as it will probably be a while before I am well enough again.

Dua minggu yang lalu kebiasaan ini tidak lagi terulang, gerobak cilok yang biasanya nangkring di pinggir jalan itu menghilang entah kemana. Ekspresi kecewa terlihat di raut wajah teman teman, termasuk juga aku. Akhirnya kami tidak lagi dapat merasakan betapa enaknya cilok juara itu. Bagi teman teman yang mempunyai referensi mengenai makanan kuliner yang murah dan menggiurkan segera kasih comment ya.

2 Corinthians 9:6-7

I opened my bible last night at the hospital and turned to 2 Corinthians.  I flipped through and stopped at chapter 9.  I sobbed.  I cannot begin to thank everyone who has been here for us through this situation.  We feel so surrounded by love from all the prayers.  We even have prayers coming from Taiwan!  How cool is that?!?  The phone calls, emails, texts, prayers, food, and care for our children is overwhelming.  Just know that God loves a cheerful giver and you are all that to us!  To give us your prayers means more than anything in the world.

As far as an update is concerned, we are home.  Praise God! (kind of)  Ricky is so excited to be home and be with the kids.  However, I am a little on the anxious side as far as any more seizures go.  He is on medicine to control them, but they cannot guarantee anything.  I'm sure he will be so sick of my face after this ordeal because I will not let him out of my sight =)  Please pray that he remains seizure free this week and gets to enjoy relaxing at home with family.

We go to the neurosurgeon on Wednesday for our consultation.  Many of you asked where we are going and who the doctor will be.  His doctor is Dr. McPherson and he is with the Mayfield Clinic in Cincinnati.  We are so thankful that he took on our case and got us in so quickly.  The surgery is tentatively scheduled for Friday so we can get this out as soon as possible.  We'll know more on Wednesday and I'll update then.

I want you all to know that although we are overwhelmed by all of the kindness, love, and generosity that has been shown to us, we are calm about the tumor.  We know that God has had his hand in this the entire time and He is the almighty doctor. (or as Lily said tonight "Mom, God is so big his hands are over the whole world not just us")  We know that through Him, Ricky will be healed completely.   Please continue praying and we know that they will be heard.

I can't go without letting you know what we have to give thanks about.  I am so thankful that I was home when this happened.  I am thankful that I heard him grunting through the splashing of the kids in the tub.  I am thankful that God gave me the wisdom of how to handle the situation.  I am thankful that the paramedics got to the house quickly. (although it seemed like forever at the time)  I am thankful that the we are able to get into the neurosurgeon so quickly.  I am thankful for all of the love, kindness, and generosity of our friends and family.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
William Shakespeare You Like It, Act II, Scene VII

Dear Eternal Abyss,

Oh, how I despise separation and good byes. I'm listening to "La Vie en Rose" by Josephine Baker again. The separation from friends has begun to unfold and manifest in ways I tried to braced for but couldn't have anticipated. Admittedly, I've been "homesick," for those people who formed the nucleus of family for the past four years. The fortuitous meeting of Amy in Paris and our shared Moon River moment on a train back from Nice. The assignment of Andrew as my roommate. Being under the tutelage of Chris, and finding solace in Lola. And of course, the ever needed objective point of view provided by Eric. Just as importantly, I learned lessons of life and love with Linda and Kai. These people were my family, and still are. Perhaps the most important guest starring role was Ricky, as he provided the ever objective eye to that which was and is Waterford. Even with all that's happened in the past and where relations stand. I use first names because this is an emotional letter I write to you, now that the melancholy has passed and I can focus on the present. Then the numerous guest stars that passed through those apartments by the river.

I must admit that four years ago, with moving into the dorms I didn't foresee the way my friendship with Andrew would change me. Probably that relationship I'm most grateful for because it taught me how to open myself up to others. In my letters, I've hinted at how cold I was prior to moving into the dorms, and typically Scorpio. That relationship also taught me great patience, and also how to lean on others in moments of difficulty. Were it not for Andrew, I don't think I would have had the courage to really come out of the closet (eventually in heels.) After telling him, telling the world was inconsequential.

A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is.

Jim Morrison

Besides memories of riding around the loop in the darkness of the night telling fears and stresses to each other and random trips to Kroger late at night, the one that always sticks out to me is the night of the stabbed lamp. After a night downtown for him and a night of writing for me, I was sitting at my desk in the dorm room doing some editing. I can’t remember what he was belligerent at, I think something A-Reed might have said, but he decided to take out his aggression with the long and sharp kitchen knife I kept for strikes against the dining hall. My square linen lampshade I’d just bought. At first, a little stab, and then a more fuller piercing. My initial reaction was shock and hurt, while his was realization at what he’d just done. After I saw his face, and realized he felt incredibly sorry, I was really more amused than anything else. After seeing that expression, all had been forgiven, because all belligerences subsided and he immediately went to bed.

I would also say his youthful charisma and enthusiasm helped to make me feel less old and the actual youth I was. I would never have learned the ability to confide had we not roomed together. His approach to letting people just be, plus our Art of Just Being - a big huuugh with the tongue let out. I'm also incredibly grateful for just being, in that sometimes one needs someone to sit with, where much isn't nor needs to be said but comforted in knowing someone else is there. Without this friendship, I doubt I would know how to be there for my younger brother when he faces life as he gets older. I'm more confident in my reactions.

With Chris, I also learned how to open myself up. I'd say the two worked in tandem, because without Chris I would not have learned how to accept myself. Even the more emotional and sometimes hormonal parts of me (glasses of water and buckets of oats.) While the role of Andrew was like that of a younger brother, Chris was like the older brother and mentor I needed. I feel almost profane in reviewing the past intimacies of friendship, but the warmth and genial acceptance Chris provided helped more than any teacher. And, with the spiritual, psychological and oneironautical journey made in the spaceship of a tiny green room, I was given freedom to explore the universe with one magnificent traveling partner. Like the concept of the Other in I ♥ Huckabees.

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing but burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!"

- Jack Kerouac

There’s this one vivid memory I have, while we were being oneironauts. Amy Keegan and Grant were in the room, and we were sitting in the sea foam green spaceship, discussing the proof of existence of God. I felt Maclean and I were having this cosmic conversation without words, and discussed the threads we felt connecting ourselves to everyone else in the room. A spindle of violet-blue from my head, from his head, and from everyone else in the room all leading up and into space. And also a sense of floating outside my body, and seeing the essence of Chris outside of his as well. As though mutual understanding and a full discussion passed in the midst of laughs and smiles. And then, of course, the karmic coincidence of one night, after a heavy night of drinking, awakening at 3 AM in a bed full of my own piss. The immediate reaction, of course, is to go and wash my sheets. Upon opening the door where the Washer/Dryer are right across the hall, I see Maclean doing the exact same thing after befalling the same predicament. The initial reaction being “Who pisses their sheets, then has to wait because someone else did the exact same thing?”

In exploring friendship with Chris, I felt a solace in knowing there are other people out there who have crazy thoughts sometimes bordering on mad out there. I can say I also learned about leadership and how to take action, especially on behalf of others but more importantly for one's self.

Eric has perpetually been the objective wall. We share the thread of secrecy and privacy in our mysterious ways, and yet he was like the watchman of it all. His comments were rare and far in between, but I took them seriously and examined current circumstances. Almost like the catalyst needed to change bad habits. Through Eric, I can say that I learned how to reconnect with the past. We grew as separate people and had differences of opinions but always respected the right to hold those opinions. Plus he has been the unsung hero of keeping the apartment warmed and cooled in a timely manner, and surprisingly patient with all of the antics that could have driven anyone else completely mad.

With Eric, there are memories and life lessons. It was the fall semester of our sophomore year, and we’d decided to walk a mile in each others shoes. By taking a class of the other. I sat through his Physics class, while he sat through my American Lit survey class. I didn’t really learn much Physics, except the teacher would sweat profusely with each lesson because he was physically involved with each one. And I’m not sure how much literature Eric took away. But after that semester we both had an appreciation for the other’s profession. The life lesson I learned with Eric involved his description of putting me to sleep, as apparently everyone has done at some point. At first he would try and put me to bed, only to find me up like the toddler who didn’t want to be put in bed. Then, he said, he realized that if he just let me be eventually I’d make my own way and put myself to bed. Which is very telling of my personality in that if I’m forced to do something I’ll resist, but left to my own devices I usually end up doing what others have been trying to do. Oppositional defiance, I think they call it.

Amy and I have a bond in Europe that's tied to the Seine, Baudelaire and Hemingway, and Moon River. I think the greatest lesson I've learned with Amy is pride, or rather how to be less prideful. In the same way that Andrew taught me of the acceptance within others, Amy taught me about the good in others. In all my friends I've seen sacrifice; we've all made it for others within. I think it was the sacrifice of a complete stranger, somehow knowing I could never pay them back and the only thing I had to offer was friendship for life. Comfort in silence while watching Law and Order or discussing the trivial things that matter most in the realm of Venus and Mars.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. -François Mauriac

Besides randomly writing Moon River in respective diaries and reflecting on the sheer randomness, there was also this night in Paris. I think it may have been our last. We were walking back from reading Baudelaire on the banks of the Seine with Ingrid. There were probably several or two bottles of wine involved. People were dancing to music along the quai, while we took it in. I’m certain we read “Enivrez-Vous”. I digress. We both had a mutual love of Moulin Rouge, so naturally while walking down voie Georges Pompidou, we all bust into a rendition of “Your Song” at the top of our voices. A magical moment of pure expression, and while probably annoying everyone who was asleep at 3 AM, we’d not a care in the world. Our gift to Paris was our song. There’s that memory and her decision to dance in the middle of the street on another night while the statues on the Pantheon were moving and talking to me.

More importantly, she has been the sister I've been craving in my life, and an inside into the female psyche. This has led to considerable understanding between my mother and me. After going through our individual crises, and then meeting, the past two years have been a sort of helping each other. Learning the opposite of what led to our stress points and how to achieve balance in leaning on others and leaning on one's self.

And then there was Lola. It's not a relationship easily surmised in words because the majority of the relationship felt psychic, as though it was a meeting of two wise souls who had known each other before, reflected in mutual interest for astrology. Perhaps cosmic is the only way to describe the relationship. I would say the most remarkable aspect of my relationship with Lola is the ease and comfort I'm able to be myself around her. Virgos and Scorpios share similar signs which only leads me to assume other similarities. Lola did teach me about the intangible of love within a relationship, in watching her relationship with Chris. And lessons of diplomacy. The most significant lesson was that in taming wild beasts, both man and animal.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, What is essential is invisible to the eye - Antoine Saint-Expury Le Petit Prince

My memories of Lola are summed up in the night that Chris went missing; it was the night of the White Party. Intuition told me she must have been worried sick, as she was busying herself with cleaning but she remained incredibly calm on the outside. In retrospect, I kind of regret not waiting with her but then again sometimes one needs space in moments of crisis. Well, that night and the night she was writing about crack babies while Andrew and I compared ourselves to weed babies.

Ricky taught me, perhaps, the most about love in all other forms and another kind of acceptance. I think the adage "just because someone doesn't love you in the way you'd like doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." Or some variant. Well, Ricky and the Derivative. If Andrew was the first turn of the key, Chris the second, then I'd place Ricky with one of the final turn of the key that allowed me to open up and emotionally connect. I've always meant to tell him thank you.

I say that because I've realized the hallmark of what I want in a relationship isn't just the phenomenal carnal pleasures for which I'm infamous. While I don't normally kiss and tell, that relationship remained strictly platonic. I digress. I learned that in a relationship, I want intellectual stimulation above the carnal, and someone to be there and with whom to do the things in life. Pharmaceuticals especially but also errands and such. He was the saving grace to what could have been a devastating Prom '07.

With Prom ’07 I’d finally had the courage to face my fear the previous year of asking Jeff. I had also decided to buy a pair of boots with heels. Anyways, that day I kept calling Jeff, asking about details and whether or not he’d be able to make it to dinner and then the party. I kept getting the run around, and came very close to deciding not to go to dinner at all. I remember Ricky not quite sure if he would make it either, but then at the last minute he decided to come to dinner, which was much needed on my part because I’ve only recently learned how to be around other couples. Had he not been there for dinner, it’s very possible I would have run away again. No, not really. But it’s moments like that and coming through for me. The rest of that memory involves Jeff bringing someone else, and apparently me giving the other guy looks that could kill. The highlight was realizing at least Ricky was there, because through some force I channeled every bit of Venus’ wrath into pure energy and had a moment of explosive joy that lasted for the rest of the night. Later, Joseph would tell me that I had won, but I didn’t even know I was in a competition.

In many instances he was a saving grace who didn't do it for the thanks (the tackling and scratching), and often the sentiment was here's a guardian to look over our drunk asses. Most important lesson: pay it forward.

In any relationship there is I, You and Us. You will see Me differently than I see myself. What You see in Me may be something that is difficult for me to see on my own because it's difficult to be objective and impartial about myself. This is perhaps the most valuable gift of any kind of relationship - the mirror effect. We each bring to any kind of interaction the ability to see the other person in a unique way. No other person will see Me in quite the same way that You do. This is part of what makes each relationship special and precious.

Wendy Guy Venus

Of course, Eternal Abyss, this doesn't nor couldn't encompass everything; though I do feel confident in past letters which have expressed similar sentiment. However, one lesson I've learned that has helped immensely in opening my cold heart has been learning how to function as a family. My relationship with my mother, father and brother have improved dramatically. I've developed the ability to communicate with them, learn how to let them in and be less distant. I've felt like the lead character in The Awakening, in that my spirit and soul have been awakened as a result of the past four years and everyone who came in and out. Through these people my essence has been revealed to myself, and I'm grateful for the "mirror effect." Oh yes, it's quite scary, embarking on this new path after just closing a major chapter.

I would have to tell you that the melancholia came in knowing I had completed a monumental chapter of my life, I'm physically separated from what became a support system. The feeling also arose in that the emotional ties now must be managed in a different way, and if I want to keep these people in my life, it won't be as easy as waking up and going downstairs but now I must fight to keep these figures in my life, and myself in theirs. I'm going to apologize now for the incredibly long letter, but please tell Celine that I still listen to her late at night; more so now that her songs hold an entirely different meaning.

Signed,

Patrique

P.S. – It's very strange, how through all these platonic relationships I've learned the concept of unconditional love.

Well tonight is the big night, Ricky is getting his new bed! So we had a family night celebration all about his new bed.

Honey and Poppy came over for the night to help us celebrate Ricky's bed. The plan and hope is Ricky will be so excited about his bed that he won't want to sleep anywhere else. For dinner we had pigs in a blanket and sweet dreams strawberry milk shakes for dessert. We decorated with some of his favorite books and just had a fun night playing in his room and on his new bed.

Ricky was so excited for Honey and Poppy to come and loved showing off his new bed. He also got new pjs and some presents to open in the morning. The family night celebration went great and I stuck to my plan of keeping things simpler. However our nighttime saga continues, Ricky did not want to go to bed (anywhere). We had a pretty rough night of tears and waking up, but he has taken a few naps and the second night was better. So eventually we'll figure out this going to bed thing. By the time Rachel is this age we should be experts, right?

See more Family Night ideas at Whittaker Woman

" Ibu sayang... ga usah repot-repot Bu, aku dan adik-adikku udah dewasa"  pintaku pada Ibu pada suatu pagi. Wajah tua itu langsung berubah. Pun ketika Ibu mengajakku makan siang di sebuah restoran. Buru-buru kukeluarkan uang dan kubayar semuanya. Ingin kubalas jasa Ibu selama ini dengan hasil keringatku. Raut sedih itu tak bisa disembunyikan. Kenapa Ibu mudah sekali sedih ? Aku hanya bisa mereka-reka, mungkin sekarang fasenya aku mengalami kesulitan memahami Ibu karena dari sebuah artikel yang kubaca ... orang yang lanjut usia bisa sangat sensitive dan cenderung untuk bersikap kanak-kanak ..... tapi entahlah.... Niatku ingin membahagiakan malah membuat Ibu sedih. Seperti biasa, Ibu tidak akan pernah mengatakan apa-apa.

Suatu hari kuberanikan diri untuk bertanya, " Bu, maafin aku kalau telah menyakiti perasaan Ibu. Apa yang bikin Ibu sedih ? "
Kutatap sudut-sudut mata Ibu, ada genangan air mata di sana . Terbata-bata Ibu berkata, " Tiba-tiba Ibu merasa kalian tidak lagi membutuhkan Ibu. Kalian sudah dewasa, sudah bisa menghidupi diri sendiri. Ibu tidak boleh lagi menyiapkan sarapan untuk kalian, Ibu tidak bisa lagi jajanin kalian. Semua sudah bisa kalian lakukan sendiri "

Ah, Ya Allah, ternyata buat seorang Ibu .. bersusah payah melayani putra-putrinya adalah sebuah kebahagiaan. Satu hal yang tak pernah kusadari sebelumnya. Niat membahagiakan bisa jadi malah membuat orang tua menjadi sedih karena kita tidak berusaha untuk saling membuka diri melihat arti kebahagiaan dari sudut pandang masing-masing. Diam-diam aku bermuhasabah. .. Apa yang telah kupersembahkan untuk Ibu dalam usiaku sekarang ? Adakah Ibu bahagia dan bangga pada putera putrinya ? Ketika itu kutanya pada Ibu, Ibu menjawab, " Banyak sekali nak kebahagiaan yang telah kalian berikan pada Ibu.
Kalian tumbuh sehat dan lucu ketika bayi adalah kebahagiaan . Kalian berprestasi di sekolah adalah kebanggaan buat Ibu. Kalian berprestasi di pekerjaan adalah kebanggaan buat Ibu . Setelah dewasa, kalian berprilaku sebagaimana seharusnya seorang hamba, itu kebahagiaan buat Ibu.

Setiap kali binar mata kalian mengisyaratkan kebahagiaan di situlah kebahagiaan orang tua." Lagi-lagi aku hanya bisa berucap,

" Ampunkan aku ya Allah kalau selama ini sedikit sekali ketulusan yang kuberikan kepada Ibu. Masih banyak alasan ketika Ibu menginginkan sesuatu. " Betapa sabarnya Ibuku melalui liku-liku kehidupan. Sebagai seorang wanita karier seharusnya banyak alasan yang bisa dilontarkan Ibuku untuk "cuti" dari pekerjaan rumah atau menyerahkan tugas itu kepada pembantu. Tapi tidak! Ibuku seorang yang idealis. Menata keluarga, merawat dan mendidik anak-anak adalah hak prerogatif seorang ibu yang takkan bisa dilimpahkan kepada siapapun. Pukul 3 dinihari Ibu bangun dan membangunkan kami untuk tahajud. Menunggu subuh Ibu ke dapur menyiapkan sarapan sementara aku dan adik-adik sering tertidur lagi...
Ah, maafin kami Ibu ...

We are now trying to give Ricky gifts for sleeping in his room. I read a parenting article somewhere about giving your child a small present to open in the morning to reward him for sleeping in his room all night. Well I'm willing to try just about anything. The first time we tried, it worked okay. Two more nights, not so well.

It's not that I don't like Ricky sleeping with us, it's sweet and I really do love it. But he likes to pull hair, kick, turn sideways and tries to push us out of the bed. Which doesn't leave Mom and Dad with a very good night's sleep. Plus Rachel doesn't sleep through the night either. If it was just a problem with one kid I'd just let it slide, but waking up over and over again every night is wearing me out. With school for me and Adam starting next week we've got to get this under control.

Today Ricky's new bed is being delivered. Honey and Poppy are coming over and we're having a big family night to celebrate Ricky getting a new big bed. Honey and Poppy are even bringing a special present for Ricky when he sleeps in his bed. All I can do is pray and hope that all the fuss we make over his new bed will make him excited about it too.

I'll let you know tomorrow how it went.