So sometimes I wonder if my family thinks I've joined the dark side and am getting increasingly more evil the less I go to church.

The problem is using Yoda's definition, I am visiting the dark side more often nowadays, . Because of the way I feel I'm perceived by other people, how I feel misunderstood. I'm like a friggin' adolescent the way I feel so misunderstood. I recently had a confrontation with my sister, who since she read the confessional email I sent my parents about my true feelings about the religion I grew up with, has been very confused, and in between sporadic "you're lazy and a liar" and "I miss you," she won't talk to me. And if you've ever tried to talk to a brick wall, you know how frustrating our encounter was: with all my intentions to prove I'm still a good-hearted person, I gave in to the frustration and said a few things that must have proved otherwise.

The most I got out of her during the whole conversation was a few murmurs. The fact is, I know where she's coming from. She looked up to me, her older sister, which is inescapable. I remember talking to her one day about the purpose of life. At that time she was pretty depressed and didn't see much point to anything. Until then I hadn't realized she felt this way -- myself I'm like any normal person I sometimes think about the meaninglessness of life but in the end I take the optimistic "there's always something to live for" route. I'd tried to comfort her, quoting church teachings and such, but the fact is while my religion did claim to have all the answers, they were mostly vague hints. And when I went into training to become a missionary, I was surprised how I was somewhat unfamiliar with the whole "what happens after death" stuff: so we're resurrected first and then go to the spirit world? And then at some point we go to one of three different kingdoms? (the missionary manuals don't get into the deep stuff such as Joseph's Smith's definition of the celestial kingdom, and the current Mormon version of post-earth exaltation as an eternal marriage of one man with multiple wives having billions of babies to populate their own worlds as gods and goddesses forever).

So the other day when she and I finally had to confront each other and my decisions, it was a slap in the face to hear that now that I've left the church, she feels even more strongly there no purpose to life. And what's the point in forgiving me, because we're all going to die and our bodies will rot to dust anyway.

Wonderful. Sigh.

I love my family! Somehow, that love is still there, despite the darkness that has crept into my heart. I can tell, because the mad usually dissipates into sad. Or it dissipates into "I hate everything" and "life is stupid." (Signs of the dark side)

More reasons to be angry: (you tell me if they're good and legit reasons, because they may not be justified, but one of the things about the dark side you may have noticed: those in the darkness tend to take slight enjoyment from finding reasons to be dark)

1: I live in Utah. What I don't believe anymore is the social norm, is on billboards, mentioned on the evening news, and talked about in familiar language in public places

2: Do they avoid talking to me because it's too hard to ignore the elephant in the room?

3: Because I would LOVE to talk about it.

]]> http://goingontheroad.wordpress.com/?p=527 Sat, 06 Sep 2008 21:21:34 +0000 Jen Barclay http://goingontheroad.es.wordpress.com/2008/09/06/indianapolis-and-pennsylvania-road-trip/ So this definitely was NOT my first pick for a travel destination, but Matthew (yes, we’re still together, despite what you thought :-) --you know who you are!) is swapping cars with his brother for some reason that I don’t really understand but apparently it was something that they agreed on like 5 years ago. So…I figured I’d come along for the ride. We’ll be driving there, swapping cars, and driving back, staying in Indianapolis maybe but then driving back through Pennsylvania. We want to do some camping in the Poconos and go to Hershey Park. Then we’ll be having a very romantic night and day at the Nemacolin Woodlands Resort and Spa. We’ll also spend one night in the Laurel Highlands, see of the Frank Lloyd Wright stuff in the area, and then explore some back roads on the way back to New York City.

• Philadelphia Fall Foliage, Poconos and Pennsylvania Fall Foliage Tours
• Allegheny Mountains, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania Fall Foliage Tours and Guide
• 10 Great Places for Fall Foliage
• Top Destination Spas in the U.S.

"What I did on my summer vacation" By Me.

This summer I moved to Indiana on a very impetuous whim. I got married and a week or so later I found myself on the longest car ride of my life through the most boring states of the country (Wyoming, Nebraska, Iowa and Illinois).

Indiana is a decent place. The county we live in is statistically the safest one in America. We lived in an apartment complex that on its website looked super posh and upscale, with two pools and a golf course, but it is actually the most ghetto neighborhood with the most police calls of the safest county in America. Not that I mind ghetto-ness, although that one time a guy accidentally walked in our apartment at four in the morning, yeah, it scarred me for life. Or at least 6 months.

Ah, good times. Anyway. One of the highlights of this summer was the bonding time I got to spend with a very special mountain bike named Gary. And my husband, we had good bonding time too, because when we're not at work we're doing something together, whether it's watching anime or shopping at Wal-Mart or playing Smash Brothers at our friend's house or cooking or sharing a meal, and somehow I never get tired of him, except when he's talking about super nerd level 4 stuff because I'm probably only on level 1 or 2, but we usually enjoy each other's company.

Another highlight would have to be meeting my adopted grandma, Ginger. I signed up for this home-visit program through the senior's center and visited Ginger once a week. She taught me how to play cribbage, a card game only the elderly remember, and also the basics of knitting, which is also a lot harder than it looks, but I'll get it down someday, and knit a pair of rad finger-less gloves. Ginger and I had lots of good talks -- she has a pretty positive outlook on life and even at 80 years old believes there's something to look forward to every day. I always go home happier after I see Ginger. Although I do have to be honest sometimes she talks too much.

Well, it's getting late and I don't want to waste my Saturday! I'm agonna go...

My most recent stop was at Canyonlands National Park which was beautiful. I hiked around for a few days and was just getting more and more tired by the second. I definitely should have stopped when I started feeling this way and should have headed right back to civilization. But I didn’t because I’m a trooper and I wasn’t going to let tiredness get the best of me. But then I must’ve passed out or something, because I woke up in the back of a pick up truck. There was another guy back there with me (his wife was driving) who told me that I was found outside my tent at the campground, unconscious. The guy suspected that I was dehydrated and they were bringing me to a hospital in Moab for an IV. Which they did, before bringing me to their tiny little home in Moab, right near Arches National Park for the night.

Let me just say: I am not a religious guy. I believe that there are some higher powers (maybe God), and I went to Sunday School when I was kid even though my parents were atheists. I have never thought much about Christianity or about Christian goodness, but these last few days, I have experienced it first hand.

Bob and Risa Berry and their 5 children took me into their home for three days, and it seemed as though this was something they were used to—taking in stragglers who they’ve found half dead in the parks. Two kids cleared out their room and moved in with the other 3 kids during that time and I got a room and access to a kitchen and bookcases filled with books until I recovered, from what was nothing more serious than exhaustion. Every night I had dinner with the Berrys and then the family sang hymns before bedtime that I was invited to as well. I felt like I was in a Christian children’s bible storyland.

I became particularly close with a nine year old boy, Johnny, who showed me all his secret hideouts on their vast woodland property and a treehouse that he and his 2 older brothers had built by themselves.

One day I went with Risa to the Dan O’Laurie Museum which helped me get a better understanding of the Moab region, which is known as a mountain biker’s paradise. So another day I actually went on a beautiful tour of the area with Bob on two of their bikes (does anyone work in Moab??).

And now I feel as strong as an ox. I’m going to do something I don’t usually do: I’m going to rent a car (even though gas will cost me my food for the next week). Apparently there are some scenic drives along the Colorado River that’ll bring me to Colorado. Probably just rent for the day and then get back on my own two feet!

Tim Groome is back!

• Moab, Zion, Bryce, Utah and N. Arizona National Parks
• Family Vacation Ideas for Moab, Zion, Bryce, Utah and Arizona
• Public Recreational Parks in Moab and Southern Utah and the Arizona Strip
• Romantic Vacation Getaways in Moab, Zion, Bryce, Utah and N. Arizona National Parks
• Scenery - Scenic Views in Moab, Zion, Bryce, Utah and Arizona
• Top Ten National Parks for Kids

Imagine you're driving on a moonless night in a desolate area with no street lights.  Now let's say your car's headlights don't work and you're approaching an 18-wheeler who's decided to have some fun by turning off all his illumination.  The above image is pretty much the last thing you'd see before a bright, orange and yellow fireball reminds you to get your headlights fixed.  It's also what you'd see on Battlestar Galactica  if we didn't put some lights on our spaceships! 

Adding a "self-lighting" kit (aka running lights) is generally the finishing touch when completing one of BSG's models,  but this oft-ignored phase can sometimes be the most important part of the process.

For the vast majority of space scenes, we like to "edge light" the ships; this means positioning the key light (usually the sun) at an extreme angle so as to only catch the edge of the model.  Here's an example using a Cylon Baseship:

See how only a small section of it is catching the light?  We do this for three basic reasons: The look of Battlestar Galactica  is very dark and contrasty, almost like a film noir; since the visual effects should be consistent with the live action, we're always mindful of matching the look.  Secondly, the less you see of something fake, the better; even the best physical miniature in the world is going to look like ass if you bathe it in bright light - edge lighting is flattering to CG models.  Finally, we prefer this style of lighting because it looks awesome!

Of course, if 90% of the model is black and you're photographing it against the black background of space guess what you'd see?  That's right, a whole big mess of high-definition, crystal-clear nothing.  That's where self-lighting comes into play.  In the image above, the interior lighting of the Baseship highlights just enough of the surface so you can still make out what it is, even in darkness.

Usually our approach to running lights in a minimalistic one and we generally add just enough to fill in the blanks; however, the Demetrius  would prove to be a special case...

IN THE DARK

It's always fun to experiment with giving a scene a unique look, but of course if we're going to break with the established style, it has to be dramatically motivated.  FX Supervisor Gary Hutzel assigned me the sequence at the beginning of "The Road Less Traveled," which begins with Starbuck and her crew on board the Demetrius, searching for Earth.   Essentially, this entire storyline is about being all alone in the vastness of space, looking for a needle in a haystack.  I wanted to try and get this feeling across visually, so I began with a super-dense starfield to suggest the endless sea Starbuck has to search through.   The backdrop was given a subtle blue tint to make the environment feel cold and lonely, an idea that I thought should also be reflected in the lighting.

Normally, we use a very bright, sharply-defined source as sunlight.  However, to create a unique mood for this episode, I wanted to make it feel as it there was no  sunlight at all and Demetrius  was being lit by space itself.  What I came up with looked something like this (click to enlarge):

Very nice, very spooky, but very dark!  There was no way we'd be able to put shots like this on the air; by the time it went over the satellite and got beamed to all the poorly-adjusted TVs out there, people would think they'd gone blind.  I didn't want to pump a lot of extra light into the scene, since that would destroy the mood I was after... so what could I do?

SELF-LIGHTING

 I knew that by covering Demetrius with a slew of tiny running lights, the ship would essentially become self-illuminated; little pools of light from head to stern would create contrast and let the viewer know what ship they were looking at.  My first step would be to decide on art direction for the lighting scheme.  As nice as it would be just to throw a bunch of lights all over the ship, something random and haphazard would look... well, it would look random and haphazard.  You, the viewer, would point to the screen and shout, "hey, that doesn't look real, that looks random and haphazard!"  Or, more likely, "Jesus that looks like ass."  So, if I wanted to avoid ass-ness, I needed to come up with "a look."

Since Demetrius is essentially an industrial freighter in space, I clicked over to my good friend Google Image Search  and began to look for reference.  Here are two pictures that began to point me in the right direction:

Since people are familiar with the amber & green color scheme of industrial lights, I knew that using the same motif on Demetrius would give it a feeling of realism; matching the layout of the lighting on real ships would provide further visual clues that Demetrius  was an industrial vessel.

Unfortunately, there is no button in Lightwave for "put cool industrial lighting all over the ship," so I sat there and placed little, tiny lights in every nook and cranny of the Demetrius.  Using these and other photos for reference, after three days and 157 clicks of the "add light" button, I came up with this (click for bigness):

Not only do the self-lights help illuminate the ship and define its shape, they go a long way towards providing a sense of scale; all those tiny splashes of light and little "bulbs" make the ship look huge!  Here's the view from the front:

Self-lighting is often the final touch that brings a model to life, creating interest and the illusion of detail where there was none before.  Part of the trick is to place lights where it looks like they might belong; see those bright, round bits at the bottom of the above image?  I have no idea what they're supposed  to be, but they became floodlights.  It's also important to have multiple scales of lighting; from the distance you can see the large pools of light, but when the camera moves in closer, smaller details emerge:

Landing lights are generally blue, so I used that scheme to surround the Viper platform.  See the small ladder leading up to the platform on the bottom right?  People need to see where they're going, so it was a natural area to illuminate.  Speaking of the Viper platform, take another look at the reference images up above and you'll see the real-world solution that inspired this concept:

Nothing beats reality!  Fortunately, model maker Pierre Drolet (of Cylon Centurion fame) peppered the Demetrius  with incredibly fine detail, providing me with plenty of logical places for lighting.  If you look carefully at the center left in the picture above (click for hugeosity), you can make out a tiny walkway where pilots can get from the Demetrius  to their Vipers.  Here's a better look at it:

Yes, Pierre is a madman.  Of course, it takes an equal amount of insanity to spot a tiny walkway that  no one is every going to see and put even tinier lights all over it.  Still, as crazy as it may seem, there is a method behind the madness - while we never got close enough to clearly see the walkway, even from the distance, your eyes can subliminaly detect that there is a something  logical going on in that part of the ship; if the lights were just tossed in randomly, you would still detect that something wasn't right, eventually causing you to point at the screen and shout "ass!"

In the end, this alarmingly anal attention to detail paid off;  the already gorgeous Demetrius got a face lift that took her up a notch in realism, and I had the tools I needed to make my shots work.  With the addition of the self-lighting, I was free to be as dark and spooky as I wanted to.  Compare the original shot of the Demitrius  with this one (click for monstrosity):

And all it took were three days, 157 lights and a whole lot of Visene...

Coming up next on Darth Mojo: I get some sleep!

 [CLICK HERE to read the previous BSG VFX post]

I'm learning to Garden. I've always put out some container plants and annual bed plants in every home I've lived in, but this time I'm really trying to GARDEN. Meaning I'm learning about my climate, soil pH, watering, mulching, native plants, adapted plants, flowering seasons, sun patterns, you name it there is so much to learn.

The cool thing is, I have found some other bloggers that are a delight. I read these blogs from the Austin Garden Bloggers frequently, and am amazed at the images they post and the time they spend offering help to other novice gardeners like me. Here's my favorite one.

I'm also in the midst of writing a book that I hope will be published, or at the very least published for purchase on one of my websites. I am a chiropractor, certified nutritionist and acupuncturist by vocation, though my true passion is educating and offering choices that might not always be mainstream. A rebel by nature, a pioneer in spirit, and an independent thinker by choice, I've often taken the road less traveled in many ventures.

I've remodeled myself and my career many times during this lifetime, and here goes one more. I've sold my practice in Austin, Texas, so that now I'm free to write and discover what I truly want. (Picture a beach in the Caribbean here as a vital part of that image).

So this really isn't a garden blog, though I want to do one - perhaps I'll do that separately - but it is a diary of my journey to find my next life path. Thanks for participating; just the energy of your eyes on these words supports my dreams and helps me move along.

how can you tell which one is

the road less traveled?

If your stride is different,

does it really matter

how many people

you cross paths with along

the way?

Is a different choice a better

choice...

or just a different choice?

Does it really make a difference at all

which dream you chase as long as

you're not afraid to jump into the race?

por Zinho.

El tema central de estos dos episodios (4x05 y 4x06) son Starbuck y la Demetrius por un lado, y Baltar y su religiosa capacidad de unión entre humanos por otro. Lo que también significan estos quinto y sexto episodios son el punto final a la primera parte de la trama de esta cuarta temporada. Hemos llegado a un punto de no retorno y estos dos capítulos nos muestran como ha cambiado todo. Lo que no es ventaja suficiente para que The road less traveled sea un capítulo soso, soso. Aunque no se puede decir lo mismo de su continuación, este capitulo quinto se queda flojo, en parte por el veneno de esta temporada y del que ya hemos hablado/rajado: Gaius Baltar. Que curioso que el mejor capítulo hasta la fecha haya sido el sexto, Faith, (que analizaré entre hoy y mañana), que es el único de momento donde Baltar no aparece ni un segundo (sólo su voz)...

Pero güeno, centrémonos en el 4x05. Por cierto, dedico esta review al Sr. Anderson, que me ha alegrado el día con su mensaje/comentario. Intentaré ser más rápido con las reviews, pero entre que la vida de servidor y la de mi colega Atreus está en un proceso de cambio sintomático por varias razones, y que tampoco quería acumular post de Galactica seguidos, pues hemos dejado pasar unos días de descanso. ¡Pero nunca mais!:

En este capítulo tenemos tres tramas claves, dos de ellas unidas y que convergen en una sola al finalizar el capítulo. Tenemos a Starbuck y la Demetrius buscando desde 58 días sin conseguir nada (y les quedan dos días para tener que volver con el resto de la flota). Y tenemos a Baltar predicando con mayor éxito cada día, y a Galen Tyrol, sin Cally, sin pelo, sin curro (Adama le suspende al final del 4x04, Escape velocity) y con mucho odio interior. Baltar y su amor frenético a los humanos y al único Dios confronta radicalmente con Tyrol y su visión pesimista del mundo y todo lo que le rodea.

Empecemos con estos dos, que luego me encargo de Starbuck: Tyrol no empatiza ni un ápice con Baltar, que sigue haciendo demostraciones cada vez que puede de la incredibilidad existencial de los Dioses de Kobol, y la verdadera (según él) fé que mueve y existe en el único Dios del que él predica (y que toma de los cylon, monoteístas de toda la vida). Baltar sabe jugar con las palabras y esta realmente concienciado con su papel de profeta de Dios. La gente, principalmente mujeres por cierto, le sigue cada vez en mayor número, culpando a los antiguos Dioses de no hacer nada con la deriva que lleva sufriendo el destino de la humanidad desde los Cylon. Es muy lógico, y yo entiendo a mucha de esa gente. Los tres últimos años ha desaparecido casi toda la humanidad, han huido, sufrido, colonizado un planeta, perdido ese planeta a manos de los cylon, torturados, han vuelto a huir y ahora siguen a la carrera. Qué vida más puta.

Creo que los guionistas y Moore a la cabeza nos están dejando ver la fatiga de la flota, la desesperación de tres años de drama continuo, la necesidad de fe por parte de la gente en algo que llenen sus cansados corazones. Y esa fe la trae Baltar, responsable del éxito de la conquista Cylon, el peor presidente de las Colonias, y ahora profeta que como siempre, tiene las palabras perfectas para los afligidos habitantes de la flota. Aunque es verdad que se le ve más convencido en su nuevo papel de religioso, yo me fío menos de Baltar que de una hamburguesa del "Burrikín", pero en fin, el chico lo maneja tan bien que a pesar de que Tyrol lo abronca por chulito, idiota y por usar el nombre de Cally sin haberla conocido (ahi Chief Tyrol tendría que haberle partido la cara a Gaius, por mamón), a pesar de ello, Gaius se gana a Tyrol con una mezcla de arrepentimiento, confesión de crímenes, y oferta de redención final. Vamos, el típico paquete de conversión religiosa con todas las ofertas, especialmente recomendado para recién descubiertos cylon con crisis de identidad gorda.

Conclusión: Gaius y Tyrol se hacen amiwitos, y además de eso y del incremento de peso religioso de Baltar, poca chicha hay que rascar de aquí, al menos de momento. Los cuatro cylon todavía están buscando su sitio, cierto, pero como apunta Galen cuando discute con el viejo Coronel Tigh en un momento del episodio, mucho decir que seguirán siendo los mismos, pero a cada uno se le está yendo la pinza de una manera distinta. Tory está hecha una perraca asesina y manipuladora que tiene a Baltar bien cogidito y a Roslin muy cerquita. Y además adora ser cylon. Tigh, como vimos en el 4x04, flipa con la Número Seis. Tyrol, pues lo dicho, y Anders... bueno, de Anders hablaré ahora, que está en la Demetrius.

¿Hacia dónde nos lleva esto? Pues a ciertas conclusiones que nos dejará el sexto episodio, y de las que hablaré... en la review del sexto episodio. Juas.

Pasemos a la Demetrius. Tras 58 días de intensa y nada productiva búsqueda, tenemos a los integrantes de la misión más quemados que Fraga en Chueca, con piques continuos y mucha crítica al trabajo de Kara Thrace, alias Starbuck, como jefa. Y eso se debe a que Kara sólo hace de que pintar y pintar, mucho boceto y mucha intuición, pero no logra nada. Hasta este mismo capítulo, donde entre más críticas y más pique, sale a dar un garbeíllo con un Viper y se acaba encontrando con Leoben, malherido dentro de un Raider (nave cylon estilo avión individual), y que quiere una alianza entre humanos y cylon, algo que según él, ayudará a Starbuck a encontrar la Tierra. ¡Tachaaaaaan!.... Claro, Kara flipa molinillos y pide que lo escolten y que lo lleven a la Demetrius.

Lo que sigue es hasta obvio y uno lo siente casi desde el principio. Leoben engatusa a Starbuck y el resto de la tripulación desconfía muy mucho de la salud mental de su lideresa. Así que se empieza a oler el motín, sobre todo alientado por Sharon "Athena", de vuelta a papeles más protagónicos... Sólo Anders confía en Kara, pero claro, quién sabe si Anders sólo defiende a su ex esposa por amor o porque su instinto cylon le dice que es buena para ellos... Ahora mismo es una incógnita, pero al menos parece el más estable de los nuevos cylon con diferencia.

Leoben, y eso sabemos nosotros que es verdad, viene huyendo de la guerra que se ha formado entre los cylon. Según él, Kara debe ir a junto de los restos que quedan de su flota, presuntamente masacrada por la otra escisión cylon, y entablar contacto con el híbrido, que ya sabréis que es esa chica con cables y dentro de una bañera a lo Minority Report que dirige la navegación de las naves cylon y que habla estilo Jesús Quintero, mu raro.

Kara se lo cree a pies juntillas, y cree que los cylon están conectados a la Tierra, con lo que no duda en hacer lo que Leoben le dice. El problema es que primero, a causa de las averías, la nave de Leoben explota de pronto cargándose a una soldado veterana de esas que veíamos siempre pero nunca tenía más de una frase. Y claro, el resto desconfían de la avería y directamente apuntan a conspiración cylon. Y segundo, Kara pasa de todo esto y sigue con su plan de saltar a las coordenadas que le ha dado Leoben, lo que acaba originado una discusión que deriva finalmente en el motín antes presagiado. Y adespués de eso, to be continued...

Todo queda a expensas del próximo episodio, donde se resolverá, o no, esta tensa situación. Y el capítulo, ¿ha molado?

Pues oyes, no tanto como debería. Insisto, todo cambia en el 4x06 y eso hace que este episodio se quede como una especie de prolegómeno a la intensidad que siempre ha caracterizado a Battlestar Galactica y que vuelve con Faith. Pero esa es otra historia y la contaré en breve. Respecto a este The road less traveled, la impresión que me ha dejado en las tramas importantes es de que por un lado, lo esencial de la historia de Baltar no es él, sino su mensaje. Ha sido elegido para ser el primer paso hacia una unión humanos-cylons. Otro paso claro es la trascendencia que la Tierra ha ido teniendo cada vez mayor, en los cylon, y viceversa. Ahora parece que Kara depende de ellos para poder avanzar en su ruta hacia la decimotercera colonia. La alianza parece encaminarse a su realización. pero como debe haber un malo, no son todos los cylon los que ofrecen alianza, sólo, como bien dice Leoben, aquellos cylon que abrazan la naturaleza y su evolución. El resto seguirán con ganas de matar humanos sin control. Y son muchos más.

En cuanto pueda, prometo tener la review de Faith, el sexto episodio, y que como dije al principio, forma una extraña bilogía con este quinto capítulo, cuyas conclusiones y revelaciones nos dejarán ver mejor el camino que se abre ante nosotros. No os desesperéis: lo mejor de BSG está por llegar.

¿Qué os ha parecido el capítulo?

P.D: Por supuesto, Edward James Olmos, ¡¡¡Está MUY GRANDE!!!

Anteriores Reviews:
-4×01 - He that believeth in me.
-4×02 - Six of One.
-4×03 - The Ties that bind.
-4X04 - Escape velocity.

"The Road Less Traveled"

May 2nd, 2008

After last week threw us into the psychological and religious conflict brewing on Galactica, it's natural that this takes a back seat to the plots we really want to see: Starbuck's struggles to find Earth and the Cylon's internal conflict. We're thrown right into the action this time around, with Mark Verheiden's script starting with a definitive revelation for the Demetrius.

That was what was lacking last week, as to an extent "Escape Velocity" seems unnecessary by comparison: here, we get the kinds of reactions that we expected to find last week but didn't. We get a glimpse of Baltar, and one that perhaps didn't need such an extracted investigation as we saw last week. Similarly, did we really need last week's events to explain Tyrol shaving his head and obsessing over his wife's death? I liked last week's episode alright, but it feels as if it was a lot of exposition without much comparative value.

Last week felt totally wrong when it comes to the central conceit of the season: the blurring of the line between human and Cylon is integral to defining the series moving forward, and this week we return to the concepts of shared destiny and identity within the context of the series. The result is a sharper episode, one that feels like we are, indeed, traveling down a particular road as the two storylines missing last week coincide.

I missed Leoben, no question - philosophizing Leoben is one of the best elements the series has seen, and from his first interactions with Starbuck in the first season (Hell, even he and Adama in the miniseries) he has been the strongest at human/Cylon interaction. Here, he is floating in space after Starbuck finally goes out on a Viper trip for the first time in their two month journey, and then he is on board the ship trying to speak sense into those who will listen.

Those people, of course, are Anders and Starbuck, those questioning their identity and their future enough to be willing to listen to his talk of Earth and, more interestingly, his concept of a truce between human and his faction of Cylons (The Sharons, the Sixes and likely the D'Annas). Anders hears this plan, and suddenly he goes from total skeptic to interested party - something clicks in side of him that could in some way justify his personal crisis: if humans and Cylons can create a military partnership, saving the Baseship that has Natalie on it by allowing it to join the fleet, he can see hope for his own integration into this world.

As someone who is fascinated by the characterization of the final four from an identity perspective, I am giddy over this development - it's a great way to realize the fears that exist within them in a way that brings them to the surface while not being blatant and open with them. All of their individual struggles are where the show's heart lies right now, and I would challenge anyone who claims it doesn't count as plot movement: as they start to find their calling, whether it is Tory believing that they are the answer to Baltar's call for salvation or Tigh's discussions with Caprica Six, we start to move towards how their own decisions will reflect broader fleet developments.

For Tyrol, this results in a lot of anger towards Baltar, which is justifiable considering that Baltar attempts to co-opt Cally's death for the purpose of his religious speeches. This, really, is what we thought last week's reaction would be - a near-suicidal Tyrol, full of rage and anger and self-hate. It's the same type of reaction, to an extent, that Kara has when she realizes how her identity crisis searching for Earth might have cost Sergeant Lethias her life - was it her fault? Her reaction, however, is not to just play it safe: it's to ignore the more logical course of action in favour of the one that she feels is right, that is her destiny.

We're beyond the point where there is a concept of the right decision: as Roslin said last week, sometimes what is right is downright idealistic, but right now I'm not sure that right even exists. These characters, especially, have no ability to define their concepts of good and evil, or right and wrong, within their current situations: their uncertainty is broadening, just as Baltar is presenting a new belief system that threatens to spread their confusion to everyone else around them. I thought last week's episode felt a bit unnecessary, but it actually made this point much clearer and more valuable in this episode as a result.

This was particularly clear in the conversations between Baltar and Tyrol, a pairing that we've never gotten to see. Admittedly, James Callis carries a lot of weight compared to the stoic Douglas, but there is something about these two characters interacting that just feels right at this point in time. Baltar is not evil, or vindictive, here - he believes what he is saying, and I am not even close to being sure of whether or not his motives or his beliefs are the right choice in this instance.

And he does need to make a choice, or find a belief - it is intriguing that in their struggle for self-identification, we are seeing "The Four" turn to opposite sides. Tigh and Anders are falling into the beliefs in Cylon/Human cooperation, finding purpose and solace in the words of Leoben and Caprica Six. On the other side of the coin, we have Tory and Tyrol who are aligning with Baltar's belief in a Cylon god, of concepts of salvation and glory. That division is increasingly odd, and I have to wonder whether it will be echoed once these two sides converge. Are the Four sub-consciously dividing within the Cylon Civil War through their actions here? Or would you argue that Baltar's God and the cause of Natalie and Leoben are one and the same?

It is questions like this that, more than anything else, make this episode quite good - there isn't much plot movement in the traditional sense here, as the Demetrius story only goes so far and we never get to see the Baseship side of the story, but yet I feel like a lot of things have crystallized - we end on the note of mutiny, and our first official "To Be Continued" of the season, but I'm left more with a lot of questions about these characters and about their motivations.

The crew of the Demetrius is particularly interesting: Helo's struggles to ignore orders in favour of believing Leoben is fairly distant, but what about Athena? She's a Cylon, for frak's sake, but we realize just how far she has disconnected from that reality when her skepticism is even stronger. Although Helo refuses to accept violent subordination, he is willing to follow military code. Anders, meanwhile, is drawn in for reasons that only we are aware of, which creates further drama for how this mutiny goes down.

So, while I'm disappointed that we didn't at least get to see Natalie and the Baseship, we did learn what happened to them, how the Demtrius is reacting, and also how these things will eventually come to play an important role in the future of this fleet and the series. Even if we didn't get definitive answers, we most certainly got a few signposts to the future ahead. I am most looking forward to it.

Cultural Observations

• I remember internet chatter deciding that Hot Dog was the only Viper pilot left on Galactica...but apparently there's no one but Racetrack, as he is most certainly on the Demetrius.
• I'm crushed that we lost Sergeant Lethias, the Marine who we have seen a lot of throughout the seasons. It seemed a cheap way for her to die, considering how much she has been through, but I guess that it does create a human consequence to interacting with the Leoben to create further drama.
• I was going to not watch the preview, but it came on too quickly and then looked too exciting for me to stop. Needless to say the second half looks pretty fantastic, particularly the final scene we see. It does spoil a few things about how our cliffhanger continues, but I'm willing to let them go considering the other contents.

So want to know where THIS cool guy is as we speak? On a dude ranch in New Mexico. I got my cowboy hat and I smell like shit and I just gorged on a ranch BBQ and now I can’t move. This is truly the beginning of a beautiful life. I’m staying here till they kick me out.

Meanwhile, just to track where I was that brought me here: I was in Albuquerque where I met some guys at this youth hostel who were on their way to this place. I spent a few more days chillin' in the 'querq (that doesn’t work, does it?) and now I’ve met up with them at this ranch.

There’s standard backpacker lingo around here. The greeting: Where have you been and where are you going? And the response: I was here. I am going there. Do you want to come? It’s a beautiful world we live in outside the constraints of the 2x4 cubicle.

Before making it down to the ranch, I made a stop at White Sands National Monument which is near the Tularosa Basin. I walked for about 5 miles through magnificent dunes and then went dune sledding (on a toboggan that I borrowed from a 6 year old girl, which was very nice of her). Apparently White Sands is the world’s largest gypsum dune field. I’ve got great pictures that I’ll upload when I’ve got a faster internet connection. I actually just missed the Annual Bataan Memorial Death March, which is something that the Air Force organizes every year to honor the thousands of people who died during a forced march of 60 miles led by Japanese soldiers during World War II. It would’ve been cool to be a part of that…maybe next year. There’s an exhibit now in the Philippines called “The Zen of White Sands” about one man’s experience here. You can see some of his pictures online. I was there!

I plan on picking up some city slicker skills while I’m here. I’d like to deliver a baby calf (remember that?) and learn to chew tobacco. There’re actually going to put me to work here, otherwise I’m just a “tourist” and then I have to pay more.

*ROAD TRIP RENDEZVOUS CONTEST

If you have been a reader of mine for awhile, you know that I love road trips, and every year around this time my husband and I take a vacation somewhere. Well, this year, how would you like to feel like you went along?

You can!

From now until April 29th anyone who buys any of my titles, including the print version of The Road Less Traveled, will be entered in a drawing for a prize package full of goodies and things I picked up while I am on my road trip vacation in May. When I get back, I will post my road trip diary on The Three Muses yahoo group. The winner of the contest will receive their own personal copy and know where their goodies came from. You'll feel like you were there!

To enter, simply go to Forbidden Publications

or Brieanna's books on Fictionwise

or Lulu for my print book.

and check out my titles. Find something you like? Send proof of purchase to brauthor.editor@gmail.com and be entered to win. See something else that you like? Great! Each book you buy will count as a separate entry so the more you buy, the better your chances of winning!

The companionship was certainly nice while I’ve got it. I’ve met a ton of people down here, but most of these “friendships” last for the duration of a hike and then dissolve as quickly as they picked up. Though now I have random people imprinted upon the peaks of the mountains I’ve scaled in the Southwest.

George ended up being a great tour guide through the Carlsbad Caverns National Park — there’s this incredible network of underground caves that date back about 500,000 years. George knew the ins and outs and brought me to some very cool rock formations within some hidden caves. Apparently he had been bringing his kids and grandkids for years but this year they were “busy” (I think it’s more complicated than that) so he was happy to have the company of a young person, I think.

When we got to Albuquerque, he let me shower at his house and then he dropped me off at Cottonwood Mall and now George is just another bleep on my radar. Never to be seen again, but probably never forgotten. If I were to be writing a play or a screenplay, George would be the apocalyptal Old Man…the seer who comes to this world to watch over the orphan child and lead him in the direction of the gods….

I had no idea how welcome the cool walkways of a huge indoor mall would be. I’m not generally Mr. Mall, but, what an alternate universe: People who are CLEAN and SOCIALIZING WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY… almost foreign concepts to me by now. I got a twang of…something. Would I say homesickness? Maybe. I went to the food court and got something delicious and greasy and then…Tim is really reverting back to his old ways… saw a movie. Saw 10,000 BC which was both fun and crap—one of my alltime favorite genres…

I found a hostel (which is where I am now, finally online connected with the world) and I think I’m going to lay low for a few days and explore this city. My body physically needs a break from climbing.

BTW, is my movie taste that bad?
Haha—I just saw that Rotten Tomatoes gave 10,000 BC a 9% rating. That’s probably the lowest rated movie I’ve ever seen…and yet, I enjoyed it. What does that say about me?

Next stop? Hmmm… You’ll just have to wait and find out!

Recovery, whether from addiction, chronic pain, whatever is much like this: One day at a time. Profound, I know, but it is so simplistic, the approach to healing.

First of all I wish to say that I am not an expert on any of what I am about to share. It is MY journey, and mine alone! Well, that's not true. It is the journey I made but also the effect that my experiences have had on the world around me. Family, friends, enemies. It has been a "long, strange trip" to say the least.

Don't expect great technical writing, wonderful prose, artful poetry. I am a simple man who has made a journey through my version of hell and came out the other side, hopefully stronger, better, and maybe a bit wiser.

My next entry will begin this legacy. Part of the reason for doing this is to help my wife and son's understand what has happened to me. To share with them the process and maybe mend some fences as I go. As a recovering addict (ok, there I said it for the cheap seats) I struggle to balance my life on a daily basis. Even though I never delved into the world of illicit drugs, I kept the prescription drug makers happy for many years. Now that I have been drug free for over a year I don't suffer any cravings or desire to ever go down that path again. What I struggle with is dealing the the level of pain I experience and trying to maintain a daily routine in spite of it, just without the benefit of chemical intervention. And I am winning the battle!

But so as not to put the cart before the horse, I will close now and begin anew where I should begin, at the beginning!

Where does this feeling come from? Usually it comes with a powerful desire to help humanity, to change something, to exist, to be important, to love, to be loved, to realize my potential. But the borders of reality--the real world--close around me, and I am powerless.

I quote John Mayer (1977 ~)
"I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for."
(Did you know he was dating Jessica Simpson?
Is it okay if I lose all respect for John?)

Anyway. I'm reading this book "The Road Less Traveled" (by M. Scott Peck M.D.) and it's like, amazing, man. It doesn't have the answer to everything, of course, but it touches on some truths.
(I plan on posting the major insights on here.)

Have you heard of Maslow's heirarchy: self-actualization?

So I was reading that book yesterday, and feeling all tingly and enlightened, and then my friend Farida comes over and asks me about it, and I tell her,
"Well, it's about life, I guess. And how to love people."

"But you have lot of love," she says in her thick Russian accent. "You are one of nicest people I know."

"Oh." I blush.
"I'm still working on it. I mean, like in high school, I was so afraid of taking chances, I didn't really talk to people, and then I'd go home and not talk to my family, you know, I wasn't really living."

She laughs and points to herself. "That is like me. I am on computer all day. You see."

I've always thought, for such a cool person, who wants to experience America and learn English, she's in her room way too much.

We talk about how sometimes people avoid life and relationships because they are afraid of the pain.
"I am afraid be in relationship with boy," she says. "I don't want get hurt."

I wanted to be a psychotherapist and ask more questions, but by this point I was pretty zonked out because I'd gone cross-country skiing earlier that day and my entire body was dead.
(It was my first time. So fun! # of times fell down: 18...)

I have never felt this way after a WVU loss and I have seen a lot of them. I want to pull a Nancy Kerrigan and scream, "Why me, Why now, WHY!" I keep taking deep breaths hoping that empty feeling disappears, but it stays and even grows.

Even though I feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck, I can't imagine what the players felt like the next day and my heart goes out to all those warriors. No matter how you feel they "executed" Saturday night, those guys left it all out on the field.

Around this time of the week is when I normally blow up and tell everyone how much I hated the things they did. But, as Charley said the other day, I just do not feel like talking about December 1, 2007. There is nothing that I can say about it that hasn't already been stated on a message board, on the radio, or in your head.

Now is the time for all Mountaineers to come together and show the nation that WVU belongs with the big boys of college football. Both the team and fans will show their true colors on January 2 in Glendale, Arizona.

This team must step-up to win a game in front of millions of people. If WVU is victorious, the Pitt loss is not forgotten but it will be looked at as part of this unpredictable college football season and would propel us back into the discussion as an elite program. A loss and WVU will have to fight even harder next season for respect from the national media.

After a season where the fans were criticized almost as much as the football team, our goal is to move on. It could happen when we take the field against Oklahoma or you may wait until Simple Gifts is played at WVU's first home game next season. Whenever you decide to move on, come back with a vengeance.

We all know that it is not easy being fans of the Mountaineers. Our hearts have been broken by the likes of Notre Dame, Miami, Pitt, Florida, Ohio State, and Penn State, to name the elites. It is easy to be fans of the teams above but it takes true character and a high tolerance for alcohol to be a Mountaineer fan.

One thing we realize as Mountaineer fans is that this Pitt loss won't be the last time our hearts will be broken. For 115 seasons we have traveled down so many roads that wound on seemingly without end. Each time we hit a straight stretch we would floor it thinking, this is it, we are finally going get there. But all we would find is another kiss-my-ass turn.

Despite all the lows we keep coming back for more. We hope, wish, and pray that one day we will stand atop that beautiful mountain and look back on all those Country Roads that led us to where we belong and smile. We come from a state that is Almost Heaven and when -- not if -- we reach the top, this state will finally be heaven on earth.

This example brings up a couple of related issues that, taken together, help draw the picture of the relationship between our psychological make up and broader sustainability in the world. If we can appreciate this relationship, then the work we can do as individuals will become more meaningful, and we can be energized the the higher purpose it generates. As we will see, this higher purpose provides a self-reinforcing loop in that it represents a life theme. Orienting to a life theme is at the heart of our personal work, so the two go hand in hand; work introspectively to reveal the emotional content of our lives keeping us from achieving a more authentic life purpose, recognize how this helps the  entire world, be inspired by this good work, recognize it as part of the life theme we were seeking in the first place.

The giving up aspect of growth also provides important glimpses into a relationship with the world that is not ego dependent. These are perforations in the ego that begin to allow an experience of existing in relationship with all that is outside of ourself. It also allows for growth of the self by letting in new experience, information and knowledge. This is the dropping of our beliefs, conditionings, expectations and current state of mind to experience people, places and things with a clear mind. The same clear mind that is spoken of in the Zen tradition.

But there is a paradox here, among several, worth discussing. The first is the need to have something to give up before it can be given up. In the case of our ego, we have to go through the process of developing strong self images before we can break them. As for the world, this too is the case with our scientific consciousness, or any other period in history you might choose. It is the sheer success of these personas, whether personal, national or global in nature, that creates the struggle for releasing them so that something new can arise. We find ourselves particularly challenged currently because of both the strength and entrenchment of the existing paradigm, by virtue of its very success, and because of the urgency of the need to change toward a sustainable existence on the Earth.

At the heart of Peck's book is an even more powerful idea. It is that love is not the sensation that we all know (and love) of falling in love, or engaging in sexual acts, or romance. Rather it is an expansive inspiring connection with all of mankind, and even beyond. An ecstatic experience accompanies this love. It is the experience of oneness so often spoken of, even in this book. Ultimately, we have argued, it is a feeling for the essence of all things as we understand it today as the A-field. And through which we have a connection of consciousness that can actually provide us with an ability to know and be in any place at any time as anything through the so-called akashic records. Ironically, this experience is not achieved by extending our self out in a continuous process of individuation. Instead it occurs during periods of ego collapse - those times when we become willing to shed that which makes us what we are as individuals today so that we may allow some new aspect in and integrate it. We do this in school, we do this in therapy, during spiritual growth, for our children, and when we fall in love.

Peck writes, "Falling in love is not an extension of one's limits or boundaries' it is a partial and temporary collapse of them." A little later, he points out the irony of the preceding statement: "Having proclaimed that the experience of "falling in love" is a sort of illusion which in no way constitutes real love, let me conclude by shifting into reverse and pointing our that falling in love is in fact very, very close to real love." The reason for the contrast has to do with the nature of real love that involves the psychological incorporation of the object of our love. This incorporation involves a penetration of the ego and a shift into a selflessness that acknowledges the characteristics of that which we love. When we fall in love, our ego shell falls away, allowing an image of the one we love to merge with our own self image. This incorporation, as Peck puts it, enlarges the self and extends the bounds of the ego. The self evolves as a result of this integration with the object of love. "

Throughout our lives, we incorporate objects of love over and over. As we do this, our ego boundaries stretch and thin. And as our ego boundaries become blurred and thinned, we become more open to 'falling in love with the rest of the world'. We begin more and more to experience the same sort of feeling or ecstasy that we have when our ego boundaries partially collapse and we "fall in love".

An easily accessible example of this is the experience of sexual activity when our present sense of our self falls away momentarily during orgasm. This is also the experience of mystical union that we have been studying. It is a result of allowing our ego-based beliefs to fall away so that we may fall in love with the rest of the universe, in addition to ourselves, and in doing so, experience ecstasy such that we recognize our place among the cosmos and our role in maintaining this connection.

Yet we return to the need to include evolution in this process. As infants, we may be endowed with the clear mind to achieve a mystical union with the universe, but our survival depends on developing a strong enough sense of self to navigate the world. Yet it is the process of releasing these developed personas without giving up the skills need to survive and thrive that results in our moving toward greater communion. One begets the other. We constantly crucify ourselves so that we might incorporate some greater aspect of the universe. As this integration spreads outward through the individuation/integration cycle, we get closer to offering other the life systems our own love that they and we need to survive over the coming years.

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I just closed my eyes for a little, taking in the smell of the wild, of the one source--the energy that I feel deep inside m, inside it all. Its like that when ever I am away from humanity. I wish I could have that same feeling when I'm around people. You know that feeling where no matter what it will all be fine. Its something I need to work on--to build and grow on.

Well, I'll have to be on the move soon. I need to get to Route 17 and start heading out towards Western NY and maybe up into the Finger Lakes before nightfall. My travel planner should help in finding some good hotels and maybe some wineries if I make it the Finger Lakes.

Pepacton Reservoir

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